LEGALISE POT, BAN PINK FLOYD

The minister for drugs said he had had "one or two puffs of marijuana" while a student but had not enjoyed the experience and decided not to repeat it.

Like a lot of Labour MPs, this guy seems to have made the transition from 1960s-style twerp to right-wing hoodlum, without at any point passing through common sense. All it takes is a haircut, apparently, and before you know it you're in favour of starting wars, golf and imprisonment without trial.

Full disclosure: when I was a student I dabbled with being Minister for Drugs, but I didn't enjoy the experience and decided not to repeat it. (I recommended that they legalise marijuana, but ban Pink Floyd. This is clearly contrary to common sense, but common sense can go and fuck itself, as far as I'm concerned.)

It's certainly true that one gets more right-wing as one grows older. When I was a kid I used to give money to the homeless. In my twenties, I would ignore them. These days I say, 'Get up, you lazy fleabag.' By the time I'm forty I expect I'll be giving them a rousing fine kick as I go past, on my way to gas some badgers.

Vote Labour, by the way.