Disappointed to see the Mail on Sunday's Peter Hitchens stealing peanuts in the British Airways lounge yesterday. When his flight to Tenerife was called he looked around furtively and crammed about eight packets into his underpants.
"Give over, ah wor fair starving," the oaf roared, in his broad Yorkshire accent, when I remonstrated with him.
I saw Peter Hitchens at a grocery store in London yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.
ReplyDeleteHe said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”
I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Cadbury bars in his hands without paying.
The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.
When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.
I can quite believe it. I once saw Hitchens on a bus in El Paso stealing from an old woman's handbag. He was wearing a cowboy hat and was enormously fat, so I didn't immediately recognise him. But it was Hitchens all right. When I remonstrated with him, he ran away, wheezing like a knackered old hippo.
ReplyDeleteHe was in our driveway last night having our bins over, that bl00dy Hitchens; him & his Burkean mates with their bushy bl00dy tails.
ReplyDeleteGood to see all of these fertile snide comments being made again. I followed this site for a while and then it faded away and my existence bloomed. Soap fro breakfast, lunch and inner ensued.
ReplyDeleteI saw Mr Hitchens in a local Wetherspoons at the weekend. He was alone, drinking a pint of strong lager, sometimes shaking his head and muttering "oh what's the bloody point?".
ReplyDeleteHis flight to Tenerife flight? Do they have metaflights now, to make up for the fact that half the country isn't runways at Heathrow?
ReplyDeleteSplendid!
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ReplyDeleteHutton, I hope you're going to reply to Julia's commnent above. A man with your limited experience of life should be grateful to receive such advice from a woman well-versed in the vicissitudes of human relationships.
ReplyDeleteSaw this article and thought of you!
ReplyDeletehttp://metro.co.uk/2015/07/16/squirrel-walks-into-a-bar-gets-drunk-and-smashes-it-up-this-is-not-a-joke-5299146/
Hitchens is everywhere. I saw him up a tree stealing eggs from endangered species. He said he was only checking to see if they were ok. Had acquired quite a suntan from this type of thing. And was wearing a penis-gourd, a cunning disguise. But it was definitely him.
ReplyDeleteTake it like a bitch boy, Harry.
ReplyDelete