Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
From 1980 to 2001 there were 188 suicide attacks worldwide, 40% of which were carried out by Marxists: the most prolific suicide bombers during this time were the Tamil Tigers, a Marxist group from Sri Lanka, who carried out 75 such attacks.

The Tamil people are Hindus, not Muslims.


...visit the Dada Engine. It is a computer programme that randomly generates academic texts in the postmodern style. Each time you hit refresh you get a new essay, never before seen; gibberish, yet not easy to distinguish from the real thing.


Monday, June 28, 2004
Saw Titanic at the weekend. An excellent movie- made me want to be an iceberg when I grow up. Rather a sad ending, though: it sinks, you know. It's a terrible thing when a big boat sinks, but I was glad those insolent Paddies got their comeuppance. I know that they are highly loveable in a lot of ways, but Christ are they annoying, with their relentless high spirits and merriment, every man some kind of artist or poet. I tended to side with the cold-blooded English aristocrat. You could tell he went to a good school. Getting on the lifeboat using a small child as a prop was a master-stroke, worthy of Flashman.

How do you spell comeuppance, by the way? I tried spelling it maybe 16 different ways; they all look wrong, and now I'm in a foaming rage. I never express my emotions. I just bottle it all up inside until eventually I flip and vandalize a bus stop. There's a slice of toast here at my elbow. In a minute I'm going to roar and hurl it across the room.


I'll be off now, to unwind with some prank phone calls. You have a nice day.


TITAIC is a most exciter film. In the film is have the famous actresses: Jack and Rose. They two make the love in the first big ship in the world. Jack is no very rich, one day he saw a very very pretty girl. He saw her, to love her, it very interesting. Rose love him too. But it they’re very un-lucky. They ship (TITAIC) chast the Ice-hill.All people all died only leave Roes…… This film have use the compertor to make it: like this ship brecking, ect. No need every body think TITAIC is very hit film, it’s because, this is a good film.

Review of Titanic by one of my students. It goes without saying that his English is better than my Cantonese.


Saturday, June 26, 2004
A couple of people have written to ask if the reply from the gunsmith is genuine: it is, word for word. I sent my recreational sniping email to ten gunsmiths, three of whom replied. The other two said:
Have never done that before. It would have to be legal in your state and local laws. I have them all--give me the city and state and I can research it. I have some ideas that might be worth pursuing.
I am interested.
I will contact you later.
A very helpful, obliging set of people, these gunsmiths.


Friday, June 25, 2004
Google searches in the last two days:
Kim Il Sung beheading video
Round beds
Lynddie England sex
japanese and korean june'04 hairstyle for ladies
Lynddie England
illiterate Britain
mirrored ceiling
Kim Sung il beheading video
Lopez, Triple Alliance, Paraguayan War photos
Kim il Sung beheading video
Lynddie England
Kim Il-Sung beheading video
Lynndie England sex video download
They ought to be ashamed of themselves.


The Bollywood version of Hamlet has 14 songs for Ophelia and a dance of gravediggers.


Email to a gunsmith:

Dear Sir,
Could you possibly make me a high-velocity sniper's rifle, that could be disguised as a walking stick? It is for purely recreational sniping, you understand, and would not be used in acts of politically-motivated terror. I give you my word on that. I am not a murderer. Why would I wish to kill my fellow man, unless he was sinning?

Money is no object, but it must be accurate enough consistently to bring down sinners at distances of up to half a mile. I would never, I assure you, take up arms to smite my fellow man, without detailed and specific instructions from God our father, or one of
his angels. Woe unto the heathen on that day! The Lord shall dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel.

Please send me estimates on price, delivery time, etc. And could you get hold of some explosive-tipped ammunition (for the "right price", naturally)? If the worst came to the worst, and we were absolutely forced to liquidate a heathen, we wouldn't want to leave any ballistic evidence, you see.

But we pray it will never come to that.

Awake unto righteousness, and sin not.

Yours faithfully,


He replies:

Good Morning Mr. Hutton, It is refreshing to find someone interested in carrying on God our fathers divine work. I have designs for such a device as you describe and even have pictures of the first samples. I have been reluctant to build such a fearsome weapon because of its possible use. Having now found a true believer to entrust it too, I am ready to proceed. I am unable to scan the pictures to email them to you. Is it possible you could give me a mailing address and I will happily mail you my prototype pictures to see of this will meet your requirements. This is with the understanding you will return them to me. Jerry

I can't decide whether this man really is prepared to make weapons for an apparent maniac, or whether he has contacted Homeland Security and this is all an ambush. I'd better send him my friend Kevin's address to be on the safe side.

If you are bored, copy and paste the email and see if you can find anyone willing to make a gun for Sheikh Nasrallah or Saddam Al Infidel-Slayer.

UPDATE: Kevin has been shot by a SWAT team.


Thursday, June 24, 2004
Here are the statistics:
  • Wave of guerrilla attacks across Iraq- 70 dead.
  • Last weekend in Venezuela- 77 dead. (This is the figure for homicide and people shot by the police; it does not include traffic incidents, falling off ladders, etc.)
The Venezuelan figure has nothing to do with politics or Chavez: they are just enjoying themselves. 70-80 is average for a Venezuelan weekend, though at times of special celebration it can be anything up to 150. Columbus Day is always a bloodbath, though why this should make them want to massacre each other is a good question.

Perhaps the Iraqis could send a peace-keeping force to South America, to help bring the violence there under control.

*When I say "last weekend", I mean the last weekend for which figures are available: 12th-13th June. The figures did not appear this week because "the person responsible for compiling them lost the keys to the office."


Casanova was a librarian.


Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Until a few weeks ago, Instapundit was the world’s most popular blog. Now he’s been overtaken by Kos.

Over at Kos they are saying that perhaps "the right/libertarian crowd is losing interest in following the events of the day." Yeah, yeah. I think a more likely reason is that many of his posts are failing the Boring Man in a Bar Test. If a man in a bar showed you a photo of his car and told you that he was working harder than anyone else in his office but that he can quit whenever he wants, what would be your reaction? You would look at your watch and start trying to escape.

Not interesting enough to say in a bar; yet this got beamed, at the speed of light, to tens of thousands of people.

And if you saw a man, a comparative stranger, sidling towards you with photos of his fishing trip, his cat and a boat club in Tennessee, you’d be out of that bar like a springing cheetah.

Here are the fishing trip entries:
June 11th: "A PICTURE FROM MY FRONT PORCH this evening. (Or maybe it's the back porch, since it's the side away from the ocean)..."

JUNE 12th: "THIS IS THE VIEW from the other porch. Front? Back? A matter of perspective, I guess."

JUNE 14th: The InstaDaughter caught a shark, too, but I don't have a picture of that. Or of her eating her first raw oyster straight out of Apalachicola Bay. (She loved it.) The Insta-Mom learned to sea kayak, and I took my 13-year-old nephew for his first open-ocean scuba dives.
At the level of prose style and sustained dramatic interest, the world’s most famous blog is actually less good than the postcards my mother sends me. I wish he would shut up.


Tuesday, June 22, 2004
I found a way of banning those bastard smiley faces from the comments section. From now on we’ll have to express our emotions through the magic of swearing, like in olden times.


Monday, June 21, 2004
Lenin, Stalin, Trotsky all liked fox-hunting. Engels was a member of the Cheshire Hunt, and told Marx that hunting was "the greatest physical pleasure I know."

Noam Chomsky is keen on badger-baiting.


Sunday, June 20, 2004
I bought an iPod recently, but I never listen to it. Music is a substitute for action: deeds are my music. The only reason I have it is that otherwise people would think I couldn’t afford one, when in fact I am so rich I could afford three iPods. It just hangs from my belt like a second dick, a badge of status like cattle to an African tribe. Me big chief.

Since I bought it last month I have had more than 800 women.


If you scroll down a bit, you will see that the Killer Facts have all been nicely archived for you.

Happy now?


Saturday, June 19, 2004
Daniel Miessler on why you should stop using Internet Explorer.

I installed the Opera browser a few weeks ago- it was the happiest day of my life. Fewer than 1% of computers use it, which means that none of the annoy-ware programmes are compatible with it and life is now a big fat strawberry. If I’d spent less time deleting crap from my computer, and more time writing heart-warming novels about single fathers bringing up their sons in London, I’d be a millionaire by now, like Tony Parsons.

The main advantage of Microsoft products is that, like IKEA self-assembly furniture, they are character-building. From time to time they will crash -not predictably but randomly, like a flood or a bad harvest- and your data will go the way of all flesh. This way you learn the value of things, and not just the price.

You will start again from scratch, like a peasant whose shack was carried off by a hurricane. This teaches you that man that is born of woman hath but a short time to live, and is full of misery.


Friday, June 18, 2004
Per capita, the world's biggest arms exporter is Sweden. The third biggest is Norway.


Five people linked to my anti-football post, so why aren't I on Blogdex? Just tell me whom I need to bribe or sleep with and I'll do whatever is required.


Thursday, June 17, 2004
Hurrah! England fan jailed! It's not much, but it's a start.

Nice work, Pedro. Use your gun if necessary.


Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Oh, no. The football has started: three weeks of sub-human chanting and celebrations; grown ups saying things like, "I want the French to lose, because I think they’re c***s." (This is called "negative supporting." Everyone talks like this, yet what could be more babyish?)

Fat oafs will shout –indeed, roar themselves hoarse- at televisions and will weep -literally cry for joy- if we win, and weep if we lose. Yet these same oafs are old enough to do jury service: my liberty may one day depend on them. It makes me want to weep; or rather, to vomit with rage.

The players are even worse. All professional sportsmen are more or less imbeciles, of course, but only footballers manage to be so uniquely charmless. They are essentially overgrown spoilt children, diving and rolling around pretending to be injured, and practically wetting themselves whenever someone scores. There is a general, and sometimes quite fantastic, ugliness. If I had my way, I would have them all shot.

I personally believe that most of what is wrong with Britain is traceable to the influence of football.

I was teaching English in Rome a few years ago, when one day the English arrived for a football match. The whole thing degenerated into a war, as usual, and everyone was heartily glad to see the back of them. A couple of days later I happened to be doing a class on character adjectives, and the book had a thing about national stereotypes. "What are the Japanese like?" I asked. They are hard-working. "What are the Germans like?" They are punctual. "What are the English like?"

Did you know that as well as being cold and unemotional, we are also polite, traditional and reserved? I reminded them that a few days previously the English had been in town for a football match, and had been anything but polite and reserved, smashing up bars and vomiting into the fountains. No, no, they said, and gave me that one about the small minority of trouble makers who ruin it for everyone else.

Where does it come from, this idea of small minorities? Have you ever seen a football riot where five or six thugs throw bottles at the police while everyone else stands around tutting disapprovingly? People who like football should be rounded up, put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea. That's the only long term solution.


This guy just linked to me. He writes about his work for the London Ambulance Service. I'm from London myself, so the astonishing number of knifings, glassings, fist fights, etc., didn't really astonish me. But a sword fight with Tamils?

If anyone tries to tell you that the crime rate is falling, point out that ambulance crews now wear kevlar.


Nine reasons why Singapore is pathetic.


Tuesday, June 15, 2004
  • Suppose that there are ten boring people in the Big Brother house. By week 5 half of them will have been eliminated. Are five boring idiots in a house twice as boring, or only half as boring, as ten boring idiots?

  • One of the contestants is staring at a wall scratching himself, his mouth hanging open: you have reached zero interest. Another contestant, barely even a cretin, arrives and says something sub-normal; now you are absolutely sobbing with boredom. You were already at zero interest levels, yet the boredom has increased! Is zero interest as boring as boredom gets, or is it possible to plunge deep into minus numbers?

  • A contestant makes an asinine remark and the boredom abates slightly, even as annoyance levels are soaring. Clearly there is a trade-off between boredom and annoyance, but what is the elasticity of this relationship? Would a 20% rise in irritation result in a 20% decline in tedium, or some other number? Are there other factors which might nullify these calculations?


By the way, if you read that last post and are thinking of killing yourself, don't do it. It is a beautiful world.

But if you disagree, and you really have had enough of it, my advice is this: don't throw yourself in front of subway trains. A friend of my father's worked for the London Transport Police and part of his job involved scraping stiffs off the tracks. He said that trains are going quite slowly when they enter the station, so people often take a long time to croak and are sometimes still alive when he arrives. It is most unpleasant, and spoils the train driver's whole morning.


Sunday, June 13, 2004
  • The world’s eight most suicidal countries are in Eastern Europe. The most suicidal of all is Lithuania.

  • China is the only country in which women are more likely to kill themselves than men.

  • A Scotsman is nearly twice as likely to do himself in as an Englishman.

  • In the US, white men are nearly twelve times as likely commit suicide as black women are.

  • The most suicidal US state is New Mexico; the least suicidal is New York.

  • Of the Anglophone countries, Canada is the most suicidal.

  • Australians are nearly twice as suicidal as the British and more than forty times as suicidal as Jamaicans. But they are still only 64% as suicidal as the French. Australian city-dwellers are not particularly morbid, but farmers pull the average up. No doubt the constant bleating eventually sends them round the twist.

  • The Greeks are the most cheerful -or at any rate the least suicidal- people in the European Union.

  • Since Britney Spears released her album In the Zone last November, more than 15,000 Americans have killed themselves.

The Euthanasia Society of Scotland
Britney Spears Official Fan Site


Saturday, June 12, 2004
I drew in breath to denounce Hong Kong’s new North Korean-style postage stamps, when I found that Hemlock had already done it for me. Now I can catch up on my prank phone calls instead.


Number 1 on Google for mirrored ceilings!


A Lover from Palestine, by Mahmoud Darwish, Palestinian national poet.
Her eyes are Palestinian
Her name is Palestinian
Her dress and sorrow Palestinian
Her kerchief, her feet, and body Palestinian
Her words and silence Palestinian
Her voice Palestinian
Her birth and death Palestinian
If you substitute "his" for "her" and "Australian" for "Palestinian", it would be an excellent description of Paul Hogan. I have been working on the next stanza:
Her vacuum cleaner is Palestinian
Her goats are Palestinian...
I'm wasted teaching verbs.

Paul Hogan


Friday, June 11, 2004
Colombia is the world's second largest producer of fresh flowers (behind Holland). Most flowers sold in the USA come from Colombia.


Why not visit these nice people, who recently linked to me? If you enjoy their websites half as much as I am enjoying these almond slices, you will get a considerable, but by no means excessive, amount of pleasure.

From the US of States:
Vox Popoli
Skippy the Bush Kangaroo
The People's Republic of Seabrook
Kamikaze Kumquat
Vice Squad
Who Knew?

From Mud Island:
Dead Men Left
Lenin's Tomb
Andrew Brown

And, from the Big Lychee:
Spike Magazine Blog
Forked Tongue

Also: WomanSpace: Pretty in Pink. Wasn't immediately obvious to me where it was broadcasting from.

Especial thanks to Vox Popoli, Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, and Normblog, who between them sent more than a thousand visitors this way. Hopefully their readers will raise the tone a bit. I've been getting some terrible riff-raff recently judging by the searches that send them here.

Skippy the Kangaroo is mostly about politics, by the way. If you are into marsupials you'll come away feeling dissatisfied and -yes- defrauded.


Colombia is the world's second largest producer of fresh flowers (behind Holland). Most flowers sold in the USA come from Colombia


Thursday, June 10, 2004
Michael Caine fought in the Korean War.


Killer Facts about the UK, from a British Council Survey:
  • The most Anglophile country in the world is Nigeria.

  • The people who most detest us are the Greeks.

  • We are marginally less disliked than the French, though in absolute terms still very unpopular.

  • In Europe there is a strong negative correlation between Anglophilia and the number of tourist arrivals from the UK.

  • The most pro-British country in Europe is Italy.

  • The world’s second most Anglophile country is Saudi Arabia (Survey conducted in 1999; regrettably, their admiration for the UK is now tempered by burning hatred.)

  • In many parts of the world Britain is viewed as worthy, but dull.

  • "Repeat visitors to the UK took a dimmer view of the UK's general education level than people who have not been here."

  • In Hong Kong, Japan, Singapore, Thailand and Vietnam, the Spice Girls achieved greater name recognition than the Prime Minister.

  • Liam Gallagher got 21% name recognition, but only 13% were aware that he was British, so we may not be getting the full credit for him.

  • Naomi Campbell is another such. 2 out of 3 people who had heard of her were not aware that she is British.

  • This is not a problem with Rowan Atkinson: "It seems that Mr Bean projects a strong image of Britishness in several parts of the world." (If this is true the security services should arrange an accident for him, before he does any more damage.)

  • 24% of people had heard of John Galliano, but only 8% knew he was British. (I have been out of the country for a while, and have no idea who this person is, but I was encouraged to learn that he is one of us, and not some foreign swine, despite his suspicious name. "If his name ends in a vowel, don't trust him," my Grandfather used to say.)

  • Conclusions:
  • The BC thinks we need to promote the idea of Britain as a modern, creative place, and play down the dusty castles / brass toasting forks side of our national life.

  • To seem less dull we should open a fun fair. We should tell our ambassadors to stop having parties to celebrate the Queen’s birthday and celebrate something worthwhile instead, such as Roy Castle’s record-breaking tap-dance attempt. Or Big Ben; no other country in the world has Big Ben.


Did a class about telephones with my Business Class last night. "Business English" is a huge swindle. You simply change "Tony goes to the cinema" to "Mr Blair goes to the conference", then you double the price and give them a good shafting. Stick it right up 'em, know what I'm saying?

They had to order slips of card to make "realistic" phone conversations, then take turns at being Caller A and Caller B. An interactive activity for them, to show that learning English can be fun! One group thought this would be a realistic conversation to have over the telephone, rather than in a hostel for loonies:
A-Hello, is that Carol?
B-Hello. Fletcher's bookshop.
A-Hi, this is Bill.
B-Certainly, can I have your name please.
A-I'm afraid he's not here at the moment.
B-My name's Linda Holden.
A-Hello, could I speak to Mrs Holden, please?
B-Oh, OK. Can I leave a message?
A-Hold on. I'll put you through.
B-Hello, could I speak to Mr Taylor please.
A-My name's Linda Holden.
B-Hi, this is Bill.
This must be how telephones work in the land of the plonker. How am I supposed to mark crap like this? An obvious problem is that either one is Bill or one is not; one cannot simultaneously be Linda Holden and Bill. But if they do not know this, then I cannot teach them it. It goes far beyond being a mere English problem, it seems to me. I was grateful that they never got through to Carol or the mysterious Mr Taylor- we'd have been there all night.

I personally believe that Graham Bell’s "telephone" is a passing fad. It will never replace the carrier pigeon. When the lines are down, and the communists have seized the telephone exchange, the pigeon always gets through.


Wednesday, June 09, 2004
I can’t sleep: I’m just so excited about the Euro elections. I want a crippling tax on people who eat in cinemas, and a bigger navy.

Still haven’t decided how to vote.


This week Harry is sorry about the crusades.


Two hundred years ago the French population was nearly 3 times the size of Britain’s. Today Britain’s is slightly larger. If anyone can think of a good reason for this you win a trip to Disneyland.


Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Recently, a Hong Kong magazine reported a case of an old lady collecting used cardboard on the street every day with her granddaughter. Next to the text were photos of the granddaughter asleep among heaps of refuse.

The Social Welfare Department sent someone to investigate. They found that the old lady earned HK$ 5 –64 US cents- each month by collecting cardboard, and that she was receiving welfare payments from the government every month. So they deducted HK$5 from her monthly allowance.

Excellent! Our economic miracle was founded on heartlessness, and I was worried that Hong Kong was going soft. I found this story very reassuring.


"In 1912-1913 one quarter of males aged 16 to 21 who were imprisoned in the metropolitan area of London were serving seven-day sentences for offences which included drunkenness, "playing games in the street", riding a bicycle without lights, gaming, obscene language and sleeping rough. If late twentieth-century standards of policing and sentencing had been applied in Edwardian Britain, the prisons would have been virtually empty; conversely, if Edwardian standards were applied in the 1990s then most of the youth of Britain would be in gaol."

From Private Lives, Public Spirit: Britain 1870-1914 by Jose Harris.


I don’t normally have advertising on this site. However, I am trying to sell my step-ladder- let me know if you are interested. It is a deluxe one because I, personally, would never settle for anything less.

I am not sentimental about throwing it out, since it is only my step-ladder. I never knew my real ladder; he abandoned us when we were small and I was raised by in the forest by a family of foxes. One day I'll tell you of how we were found by a farmer, of our slow return to civilisation, and the adventures we had along the way. It is a beautiful story; stranger than any fiction.

But do you want this ladder or not?


Monday, June 07, 2004
In UK by-elections during the 1992-1997 parliament, the Monster Raving Loony Party got more votes than the British National Party, the National Front and the Communist Party of Great Britain combined; indeed, more than twice as many.


It’s a small thing, but if you link to me could you give this site its full title. Only a pimp would call his site "Chase me ladies".

But it's up to you. And I still I prefer "Chase me ladies" to "Hutton the swine".


I was invited to apply for a job at Kim Il Sung University, Pyongyang:
Conditions in North Korea are harsh and the successful candidate will need a high degree of resilience. The working and living conditions will be difficult and he/she should be prepared for this, e.g in winter the temperature can be as low as –30 degrees and classrooms are usually unheated. However, the postholder’s apartment does have heating.
£23,000 per annum; rent-free furnished apartment (bugged); 11% bonus if you can finish the contract without attempting to flee. A car and a driver are also provided, the driver being a member of the security apparatus.

A couple of people have asked me if this post was serious or just another meaningless non-joke. It was a genuine offer. I do not know if they managed to fill the post.


Sunday, June 06, 2004
Is this the worst poetry I have ever read? It certainly comes close.

The first time I read his Oxford Cheese Ode I was in stitches.


When Brazil lost the World Cup final to Uruguay in 1950, their goalkeeper was summoned for interrogation by the security services, who accused him of being a communist.


An expat kid in a Hong Kong school has been expelled for running a website forum about his school, largely devoted to taunting the ugly kids and calling the Principal a c***. The site continues under new management: "To discrase [sic] the school in which we are sadly educated in, we must have a student of SC to do the job properly... Im [sic] just trying to keep things the same as they were before the unjustice[sic]..."

The school’s decision has provoked anger: "Your expulsion is outrages [sic], you didnt [sic] deserve that and the students and your friends will make them regret their dessision [sic]."

Another contributor felt that even arson would not be disproportionate- "It [Shatin College] juz needz 2 b freakin burned down," he argued.

Students are [sic] of the Principal and are trying to get him fired –"your actions are the begging of your garanteed [sic] downfall," and are appealing for evidence that he might be a homosexual. Please get in touch if you think you can help.


Saturday, June 05, 2004
Looming fuel crisis offers a wake-up call
Dominican Republic sends wake-up call to Puerto Rican tourism industry
A wake-up call for the North and the South
Move a wake-up call about climate change
Son’s drug death a wake-up call for Bracknell
A wake-up call to society
Wake-up call for Sting
Lennon criticism seen as Cove wake-up call

Celestial wake-up call for planet Earth
Foreman's Wake-Up call
Wake-up call for cellphone industry


Friday, June 04, 2004
My favourite liberal is Hildebrando Pascoal, a Brazilian poltiican from the forest state of Acre. He was barred from Congress for "failings in parliamentary decorum" for murdering people with a saw. He was also involved in illegal land deals, cocaine trafficking, dissolving a boy in acid, murdering a doctor, and murdering the local bishop. (The doctor had failed to save Pascoal's mother, and the Bish had annoyed him by opposing his illegal land deals, cocaine trafficking, murdering people with saws, etc.)

He must be quite a character, if that's how he behaves. Before going into politics, he was the local police chief. When his brother was killed in a gunfight Pascoal personally sliced off the limbs of one of the suspects with a chainsaw, to teach him a lesson. He was suspended from the Liberal Front Party when the investigation began.

If this is their idea of a liberal, you can imagine what their young conservatives are like.


Further proof, if proof were needed, that the British public are deeply stupid:
Smoke alarm is Britons' most popular invention [of the last 20 years].
Britain reveals itself as a cautious, safety conscious nation in a popularity poll of innovations published today that gives pride of place to the smoke alarm.
I see that long-life low-energy light bulbs also made it into the top ten. Can you imagine a world without low-energy light bulbs? Just close your eyes for a minute and try to picture what it would be like. Weird, eh? Everything is so similar. And yet how different everything is!
All changed, changed utterly. A terrible beauty is born.
Quite apart from anything else, smoke alarms were invented in the 1890s, as every schoolboy knows. There were two birds in a cage. When they became overcome by fumes they would keel over and fall into a funnel at the bottom, which would trigger the alarm. Battery-operated smoke alarms have been around since the 1960s.

For me the greatest inventions of the last 20 years are the catapult and the battering ram. When I was a kid, high walled fortifications were virtually impenetrable to infantry or cavalry. But now, thanks to miracle of siege engines, instead of having to starve them out you can simply make a breach in their walls and –presto!- rush in and sack the city.

It’s a great time saver.


Thursday, June 03, 2004
The world's biggest Catholic country is Brazil, yet Christianity got off to the worst possible start down there when their first ever bishop, Dom Pero Fernandes Sardinha, had the misfortune to be eaten by cannibals.

Good. Teach him to come poking his nose in.

"Os índios devoraram o cara" is Portuguese for "the Indians ate the guy."


Clicking around the internet with my morning snack, I am struck by how amazingly rancorous most blogs are. Many bloggers seem to exist in a permanent state of fury. Bush, Kerry, people who ride bicycles: almost anything sets them off.

Not I. Since the doctor told me to stop drinking coffee a couple of weeks ago, I have nothing but goodwill for my fellow creatures. I am like that kid in the English textbook who just wants all the people and animals in the world to be happy. Even my students: a couple of weeks ago the sight of their little faces in the morning would fill me with loathing, but I now accept that they too are God’s creatures.

Click back tomorrow for Harry’s 500 word tirade against people who eat in cinemas.


This week Harry is sorry about the Boer War.


No shortage of wake-up calls in the news this week:
Wake-up call over obesity problem
Wake-up call for ASEAN
Wake-up call for drivers
Wake-up call for Nigeria
Wake-up call for institutions
Wake-up call for Vodaphone
Wake-up call for Tampa Bay star
Saudi raid a wake-up call to West
Palm organizer gets wake-up call
Students get wake-up call
Climate disaster movie wake-up call
Sage of sister church seen as wake-up call
Warning is wake-up call for high school
Obese girl’s death a "wake-up call"
Job worries a wake-up call
Ethnic survey a wake-up call for real-estate agents
Columbus seniors get wake-up call
Modern life gets wake-up call from France
Court case "wake-up call" for managers
A wake-up call for good health
Guy can't get a minute's sleep around here.


Sorry I haven't updated for a while. I was washing my hair.




Krugman's cat

I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point

The time I punched JK Galbraith

Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?

In Defence of John Prescott

Prescott 2


Jennifer Lopez has been shot!

Nicholas Cage is a tit

A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim

Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss

50 Cent almost too stupid to speak

Ooh, brain hurts

Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman

I'm so angreeee

Ben Affleck

The Magic of Snoop

Inane Dogg

Germaine Greer's gusset


Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan

Correspondence with Boris Johnsons

Ministry of Defence

Thames Valley Police


British Airways- I'll show those fucks


The Polite Society

Is this a library or a bordello?


Israeli Embassy


The Scottish National Party

Garry Bushell

Letter to Gunsmith (1)


Richard Dawkins


Your child is an illiterate cabbage

Like a trouser, yet not a trouser

Why is life so wretched?

Stopping Hitler at Munich

The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk

Non-academic sub-adult clowning

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

No sane man cares about such things

Who, whom?

Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid

The Business English racket

Keith Richards' English level

The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth

Teaching English to cretins

This is a real pain in the arse

I hate teaching English


I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps

Glue sniffers

Yorkshire Yahoos

The British public are deeply stupid

The UK's most successful ethnic group

Violent Britain

The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin

How much do you give a ponce?

Reflections on the British drunk

This septic isle

Thoughts on muggers

Do you want a punch in the mouth?

How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?

Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain

This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists

Many of my best friends are bishops

Britain's Unfunniest Comedian

Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole

Please go away


Shut your cake hole, you lunatic

I don't care about human rights that much

Why I don't take drugs

Someone is getting mugged

I am a victim of crime

That which does not kill you almost kills you

I don't know how much more I can take

Colombian girl santas

The hippos of Pablo Escobar


Dancing on the deck of the Titanic

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

The pros and cons of domestic violence

Life? Don't talk to me about life

The evil Castro cured my cough

Breast implants out of control

Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe

One of those parties that got out of hand

Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?

Don King has lots of good ideas

Chavezfest (1)

Chavezfest (2)


The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft

Pie attacks on Professor Krugman


The Andrew Sullivan Hoax

Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.

If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you

Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time

Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test

The fearless Huffington

Sourpuss Malkin



How to say "Death to America!" in Arabic

How to say "Death to America!" in Farsi

If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

I am opposed to the hacking off of heads

Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective

Top ten warmongers

Islamic Banking

Knob heads

Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave

Another atrocity


Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

Addio Amore, Addio Razza

If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat

Kim Il Sung's birthday!

Billy Graham in North Korea

North Korea job offer

The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear


People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

Baseball is idiotic

I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting

World Cup diary


Where to buy beer in Gaza

The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip

Someone threw a bomb in our garden

It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die

Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

Twisted gonads

Australians vs. camels

Off with the false whiskers

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation


Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

It doesn't seem to make sense

Fisking the poet Keats






Hong Kong

When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad


Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

Trip to the Orinoco


Personal injury lawyer

President Ahmajinadad


Live-blogging the plane crash

Prison survival tips

Suicide statistics

Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

David Irving

Arab Americans

If you like rock music you must be stupid

Quality of life index

A pogrom of quails

Krugman in Bogota

People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock


The Amis brothers

Haiku on another wasted year


The illusion of plenty



Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

Killer Fact! (Napoleon)

Killer Fact! (Brixton)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland)

Killer Fact! (Pakistan)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Brazil 2)

Killer Fact! (Colombia)

Killer Fact! (France)

Killer Fact! (British National Party)

Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)

Killer Fact! (Vietnam)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Ivory Coast)

Killer Fact! (Sweden)

Killer Fact! (Vegans)

Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)

Killer Fact! (Casanova)

Killer Fact! (James Bond)

Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)

Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)

Killer Fact! (Murder rates)

Killer Fact! (Strangling)

Killer Fact! (Buglaries)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland 2)

Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Evian)

Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)

Killer Fact! (Bollywood)

Killer Fact! (Australian women)

Killer Fact! (Costa Rica)

Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)

Killer Fact! (Jesuits)

Killer Fact! (Iceland)

Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)

Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)

Killer Fact! (North Korea)

Killer Fact! (Red Heads)

Killer Fact! (Death row)

Killer Fact! (Japan)

Killer Fact! (Thailand)

Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)

Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)

Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)

Killer Fact! (First English sentence)

Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)

Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)

Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)

Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)

Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)

Killer Fact! (Iraqi Jews)

Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)

Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)

Killer Fact! (India)

Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)

Killer Fact! (Tories)

Killer Fact! (Frogs)

Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)

Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)

Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)

(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)

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