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Thursday, August 31, 2006
 
AN ALARMING TREND
The name Blair originated in the west of Scotland. The number of Blairs in Britain has grown by 50 per cent since the 19th century to 12,473 today.
If this trend continues then by the year 2030 there will be more than 70 million of them, if my calculations are correct, sacking and laying waste. The country will be uninhabitable.



These two are all I can stand. What this country needs is fewer and better Blairs.


UPDATE! I have no quarrel with the 2,581 Tasmanian Blairs, or the Blairs of Kentucky, or Tim Blair the larrikin. Although I used to know a Blair from Vancouver, and he was a world-class tit.

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006
 
I LOST MY CHERRY TO GOAT WOMAN, CLAIMS PARRIS
We’ll always have Parris. Or will we? Matthew Parris has just married some guy called Julian:
Parris knew that he was homosexual from a young age, but he lost his virginity to a woman. “It could have been a goat as far as I was concerned.”

He argued that at the mid-point of one’s life the understanding dawned that there were only a finite number of Saturdays left. "A marriage can be dissolved. A bachelorhood can be regained. A lost Saturday never can."
With Parris off the market I am now Britain’s 4,876,347th most eligible bachelor.

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Sunday, August 27, 2006
 
SITE OF THE DAY
Cats That Look Like Hitler.com
Most of the cats don't look anything like Hitler. It's a load of rubbish. If you said, "Who does this look like?", I would say, "It looks like a cat. And, I believe, is one."

Disappointing.

As for Hitler, he comes in for a lot of criticism -much of it justified, in my opinion- but at least he did something with his life. He didn't just sit around laughing at pictures of cats, like a simpleton.

And you have to give Hitler credit for that.



OK, this cat looks like Hitler.

(Full disclosure: I myself own two cats, and am a Nazi.)

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Saturday, August 26, 2006
 
EL PIRULINO
A video showing how to dance the pirulino, a foolish dance which nearly cost me my life. I must tell you about it some time.

Anyway, I hope you find it edifying.


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Friday, August 25, 2006
 
WHAT MADE MILWAUKEE FAMOUS HAS MADE A LOSER OUT OF ME
Killer Fact! Milwaukee is America's drunkest city, according to Forbes magazine.
1. Milwaukee
2. Minneapolis-St. Paul
3. Columbus, Ohio
4. Boston
5. Austin, Texas
6. Chicago
7. Cleveland
8. Pittsburgh
-9. Philadelphia
-9. Providence, R.I.
But Luxembourg has the world's highest alcohol consumption (15.4 litres per capita).
-I drink to forget.
-Forget what?
-I don't remember.
Ba-doom, ba-doom, tish!

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Thursday, August 24, 2006
 
WHAT WILL THOSE TOSSERS THINK OF NEXT?
Airlines are now banning shoes on all flights to the US, according to the New York Times. All footwear must now be checked in before boarding, with no exceptions. Hats are also forbidden, but ice picks are allowed provided they are made of marzipan. You couldn’t make it up. As a matter of fact, I just did make it up. But that’s not the point. The point is that once again my enjoyment of the in-flight snack was marred by burning hatred of the airline, the Federal Aviation Administration, and the cast of Dr Doolittle 3 (the in-flight movie). Bin Laden I don’t mind so much. To me he’s just a nutter in a cave on the other side of the world. I don’t feel anything like the rancour towards him that I feel for the interfering old gusset-face who made me wait behind the yellow line until it was my turn to put my shoes in the x-ray machine. In fact, I quite like him. Unlike the FAA, Bin Laden has a coherent Weltanschaung that a person of average intelligence might understand. The real maniac is the guy who banned nail scissors. By the way, if they confiscate your clippers, a bottle of duty-free Scotch makes a spiffing cosh. I wrote that on one of the sick bags. That will put the wind up them, those cocksuckers. Continental Airlines, Business Class. "For your comfort and safety we ask that all passengers remain manacled for the entire trip, with sacks over their heads. Thank you for choosing Continental."

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006
 

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Friday, August 18, 2006
 
JUST HAD AN IDEA
I’m flying to the US this afternoon. I’m going to try to smuggle a jar of Nivea cream on board. Then, half-way through the flight I’m going to stand up and scream, “Look out! There’s a balm on board. Salve yourselves! Aarrrggh!”

Ooh, my sides! The other passengers will probably soil themselves with fear! And technically I won't have done anything illegal, if I really do have a balm.

The airlines have brought this on themselves. If they're not going to let us take books, we'll have to make our own entertainment. I’ll see you on News at Ten.

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MISERABLE SOW
A plane made an emergency landing because someone wrote “There’s a bomb on the plane,” on a sick bag.

A few years ago I was flying Caracas-London, and Liam Gallagher was in first class. “Tell the pilot there’s a bum on the plane,” I whispered to the flight attendant. But she didn’t laugh, the miserable sow.

No one ever does.

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Thursday, August 17, 2006
 
Frank Chalk, August 15th:
'A' Level results out in a couple of days- I am willing to take bets against the following:

1) Every broadsheet newspaper will have a picture of half a dozen pretty girls from a very nice school, waving their 'A' Level results...

2) The results will be the best ever. A ridiculous number of kids will get A-C grades...

From today's Guardian:


From today's Telegraph:


Lucy Dingethorpe-Smythe (left) achieved twenty-three A grades, and has won a place to study Fashion with Canadian Studies at the University of North Wales (formerly Bangor Mental Hospital).

Pippa von Humbolt-Parker (second from left; 19 'A's) plans to spend her gap year in the Congo, teaching Pygmies to bungee jump.

A government spokesman denied A-levels were getting easier.

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MR CHALK
Frank Chalk writes:
I decided to put up Amazon's ad banner at the top of my site after being assured that the content it would advertise would be directly relevant to the people viewing my Blog.

I therefore expected ads for Mensa applications, books about Astrophysics, Philosophy, Politics and Fine Arts. Instead all I've got is stuff with the word 'Chalk' in it.

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Wednesday, August 16, 2006
 
WHITE WHINE
The British National Party is selling wine on its website. Wine? Sounds more the kind of thing a French neo-nazi would drink. That’s lost my vote, I’m afraid. An English fascist should be drinking hogsheads of mead, or I’ll simply refuse to take him seriously. A nazi who drinks Chardonnay is not a nazi in whom one can have complete confidence.

“This wine, redolent of fruitcake, has a bouquet suggestive of barbed wire and jackboots, that gets right up your nose. It presents a soft first impression, but ultimately leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.”

If it was from Kent I might have bought a crate, just to piss people off. But it’s from Cornwall, and I don't like the Cornish. They killed our Lord God Jesus.



The Cornish- a stunted and goat-like race, thought to have arrived during the Ice Age. They don't pay their taxes.

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Tuesday, August 15, 2006
 
CODGER'S TALE MOVES MILLIONS


This old git is YouTube’s newest star. His video got 800,000 views and 7,000 comments. He’s on the BBC, Reuters, the Guardian, USA today... A lot of Americans actually wept when they saw it, just as they howled and snivelled during Forrest Gump.

An old man with a video camera... how incredibly moving. It makes me want to bawl. It represents a real triumph of the human spirit. Old man, I salute you!

I sat through it stony faced, though as an Englishman I will burst into tears if I see a rabbit with a thorn in its paw.

There’s a strong undercurrent of hysteria around at the moment that could break out into pogroms and lynchings at any time, and this old man is as much to blame as anyone.

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Monday, August 14, 2006
 
SOURPUSS MALKIN
And now we stare astonished at the sea
And a miraculous strange bird shrieks at us...
This Yeats line came back to me when I saw the lunatic Malkin on Fox News the other week. I don’t mind being hectored about the Middle East by people who have never been within 500 miles of it –that’s what blogs are all about- but now this hellish woman is attacking our TV shows as well, and this cannot be borne. It seems she's in a foaming rage about Armando Iannucci’s new programme on BBC 2, among several hundred other things that she's furious about.

Jesus, woman, calm down. You’re like a bear with a sore head. I don’t think I’ve ever been as enraged about anything as she is about everything. “When did 9/11 become a laughing matter?” she asks, as if anyone were laughing about it, and as if she were able to tell the difference between award-winning comedy and a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.

You’ve got to realise the kind of people we’re dealing with here. Malkin doesn’t just take life seriously; she actually takes Hugh Hewitt seriously. Such a person is simply not qualified to have an opinion on what is, and what is not, “a laughing matter”, since a sense of humour calls for a sense of proportion, which in her case she has not got. Almost any attempt to make jokes that rises above the level of a fat man falling over is going to confuse and upset her and her readers, but that’s just something the BBC is going to have to live with. She wasn’t the target audience anyway.

Given that they neither pay the licence fee, watch the shows, nor live in the stinking country, it doesn’t matter how many cretins join your email campaign. The BBC should tell them all to knob off.


Sourpuss Malkin recently. The BBC didn’t upset her- she started upset.

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BOYCOTT ISRAELI MUD
A bunch of people are boycotting Israeli products until they release Mandela, or whatever it is they’re whinging about now. I myself am doing my bit by boycotting Dead Sea mud, even if it does eliminate toxins and restore my skin’s pH balance.

They sell it in the Whitely’s Centre in Bayswater. £20 or £30 for a jar of black slime! People in W2 rub it into their stupid faces.

I can see the point of Israeli oranges, though. Eating fruit- I can relate to that.


 
             Before                                    After

   Beauty products from the Dead Sea.

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Sunday, August 13, 2006
 
NEW ZEALAND IS A CESSPIT, IT TURNS OUT
"NEW ZEALAND is a little, South Pacific version of 1950s England. People are friendly, trustworthy and hard-working. You can leave your front door unlocked when you go out. Women can safely walk alone at night and, if you drop your wallet, someone will deliver it to your door the next day."
That’s what I thought, too, but it turns out the country is an infernal cesspit, at least the 0.03% of it that is inhabited.

Killer Fact! New Zealand has 67% more murders per capita than the UK.

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Friday, August 11, 2006
 
BLAIR- I WOULDN'T PUT ANYTHING PAST THAT A-HOLE
Did Blair time terror alerts to coincide with the opening of the County Pig Fair in Shropshire? That’s the question no one dares ask. Personally, I wouldn’t put anything past that a-hole.

What have we learnt from this week's events? That if you stamp out terrorism at Heathrow it sprouts up again in Henley-on-Thames:
TRADER TRAPPED IN SHOP BY SNIPERS. Hooligans armed with air rifles held a company director under siege after firing a hail of shots at his Henley showroom...

“It’s absolute idiocy,” said a local woman.
All the news is bad, but I keep myself sane by moving my foot in clockwise circles, while drawing the number 6 in the air with my finger. Your foot changes direction! Try it yourself.

If you would like to learn more about moving your foot clockwise while drawing the number six, click here for details.

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WHY BOTHER?
Blogs foil terror plot! Charles Johnson arrests 24 in dawn raids! “Mainstream police” outclassed by internet busybodies!

I was going to write a side-splitting spoof news report, but now I find I can’t be bothered. Life is too short, the effort/benefit ratio too high. And would it have been worth it, after all?

Have to fly next week. Sodding bollocks. They’re really going to ratchet up the misery this time. I’m going to turn up at the airport with just my underpants and a book. They’ll probably confiscate the book, the cretins, but they won’t get my pants without a struggle.

But what book to take? And what pants to wear?

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PULL THE OTHER ONE, IT’S GOT BELLS ON!



Reuters released more photos of Beirut today, trying to make it look as if the Israelis are bombing the city.

Not going to fall for that one again.

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Thursday, August 10, 2006
 
BRITISH AIRWAYS ARE A LEGITIMATE TARGET
Who on earth would want to blow up a British Airways flight? I would, as it happens, and so would millions of other passenger-victims. Obviously one should try to minimise civilian casualties, but BA themselves are a legitimate target, in my opinion, as are Easy Jet (i.e. Difficult Jet) and Ryanair (i.e. Bastardair).

British Airways management are cranks and sadists, who have caused more misery than all the terrorists combined, at least to me.

Tim Blair says he blames the presbyterians for today’s events. I take the point that when a train blows up, or a guy gets his head mown off with a sword, it’s usually safe to say that the presbyterians were involved. But an attack on BA could have been anyone.

Could have been presbyterian mad dog Laden; could have been a frequent flyer who decided he’d had enough. Whoever it was, we should make common cause with him on lesser evil grounds, just as our grandfathers sided with Hitler against British Rail.

The last time I was in one of BA’s trademark 3-hour delays I didn’t happen to have any explosives on me, so I stood in the queue and read out one of their pamphlets in a sarcastic voice.

“British Airways,” it said. “Your passport to freedom...”

Little victories. But they always have the last laugh.

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Wednesday, August 09, 2006
 
KRUGMAN BANGING COCKTAIL WAITRESSES, TWO AT A TIME
I sit in a conference centre in Bogota's business district, thinking of Kate Bush.
And suddenly I find myself
Listening to a man I’ve never known before
Telling me about the sea...
Only instead of a man I’ve never known before, it’s Krugman. And instead of telling me about the sea, he is droning on about interest rates and the property bubble.

What he’s doing here, fuck knows. But he seems to be enjoying himself, in his own way. I thought that, since he was in Colombia, it would be a great opportunity for him to meet me. I sent a bottle of champagne to his hotel room, with an anonymous note. “Welcome to Bogota,” it says. “Watch out for snipers.”

I just want him to feel at home.

Hotel Tequendama refused to comment on the rumour –which I started myself- that he was banging cocktail waitresses, two at a time, like Freddy Corleone, bringing shame to the economics faculty of the University of Princeton.




     "Who inspires you as an economist?"
     "I would have to say Barbra Streisand..."
Krugman opens his heart to Paola Ochoa, economics editor of Semana magazine.

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Saturday, August 05, 2006
 
ANT CITY
People often say to me, "Harry, how is it that we can put men on the moon, but we still can’t fry pedestrians, ant-style, under giant magnifying glasses?"

No doubt you have often asked yourself the same question. Well now we can. Only on a computer for now, but it's a start.

Via Hemlock

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Friday, August 04, 2006
 
OPEN LETTER TO MEL GIBSON
Dear Mr Gribson,

This is a final warning to pay for your electricity use. You owe £48.32.

The original figure was £50.32, but I gave you a discount because it’s a sunny day, and I think you’re right about the Jews. Otherwise I would have to punch you on the ear.

If, in seven days, you do not respond to this final demand, we shall refer the matter to a third party for recovery.

Contact:-

Terrence Shepard
Customer Services
Powergen
PO Box 7750
Nottingham
NG1 6WR


P.S. There is no God.

POWERGEN- the finest electricity in the world.

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Wednesday, August 02, 2006
 
KILLER FACT!
1.3% of Lebanese are Canadians.

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"I had a most delightful pizza on the quayside in Palermo in 1976. My dining companion went on to hold minor office in the Sicilian government, to the extent that they have such a thing. She was quite sexually adventurous. Dead now, of course. All dead."

Comment by david c in the comments.

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Tuesday, August 01, 2006
 
A RIGHT TIT
Hitchens, though in many ways a tit, appears to have been right on this occasion.

UPDATE! I’ve never told anyone this before, but I actually quite like Hitchens. (Keep it under your hat.) Though in some ways a tit, he is also the Real Thing. He isn’t just some overpaid mediocrity of the Andrew Sullivan type.

If you compare the most prominent left-wing columnist, whom I suppose is Krugman, with Kos; or if you compare Mark Steyn with Glenn Reynolds; or Robert Fisk with Juan Cole; or Hitchens with Michael Totten: in every case the newspaper guy is the genuine article, while the blogging equivalent is a tiresome snivelling non-entity.

Takes one to know one.

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