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Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Saturday, July 31, 2004
 
FOR THE MINORITY WHO ARE INTERESTED
I'm flying back to the UK today, ostensibly to do a course, but secretly to set up a network of Branch Davidian compounds. After that I'll be in South America for a couple of months, then back to Hong Kong when the money runs out, circa November.

I'm not saying I'm going to stop this blog. I'm just explaining where I'll be, for the minority who are interested.



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Friday, July 30, 2004
 
DROOLING VEGETABLE
Well thank God that's over. Another six months of English teaching and I'd have been a drooling vegetable.

My students were doing exams today, so to keep myself amused I filled in some feedback forms denouncing myself as the worst teacher I had ever had:
Harry frequently came to class late, smelling of drink. His speech was slurred and he was unsteady on his feet. Often he would burst into song mid-sentence: "We use the present perfect to talk about unfinished time, and now I am the ruler of the Queen’s naveee..." As he sang, he picked up a chair and waltzed around the room with it..."
After that, I cleared my desk with a business-like sweep of the arm, and I was out of that door like a springing cheetah. I left my coffee machine for my colleagues, since one of the biggest challenges in this job is staying awake all afternoon.

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IELTS
I was just throwing away my IELTS examiner's stuff. IELTS is a test you have to do if you want to emigrate to Australia or study in the UK. This is the description of a level 2 speaker:
Lengthy pause before nearly every word. Isolated words may be recognizable, but speech is of virtually no communicative significance...
Sounds like Keith Richards.

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FROM THE LAND OF THE DINGO
CurrencyLad, who occasionally comments on this site, has started his own blog.

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THE WORST PIECE OF HOMEWORK I HAVE EVER RECEIVED
Today is my last day as a teacher. To celebrate, here is the worst piece of homework that anyone has ever given me (which takes in some stiff competition). It is flawless: literally not a single sentence makes sense.

CARACAS TO PICTURESQUE CITY!
Though of the cheats Caracas there is been the city of the picturesque landscape accompanied by its immense mountain like the is The Avila, which is main pulmonary of fences in that our city rests.

Its cable car manufactured in the years fifty plows being remodeled enter in operation to demonstrate the tourists the beautiful thing again that is, also in the one it collides of the mountain to sleeping called hotel it rests Humboldt where stays beautiful moments of that epochal.

Their road systems plows enough passable and maintained. It conserves in the helmet historic museums, houses, squares and monuments, where you dog evidence marries and events of Colonial our Caracas.

Among places of lives importance we dog yam: The Capitol, the Simon Bolivar, The Cathedral of Caracas, The National Vault, the Liberator's Native House, El Paso of the Spaniards in The Rocking ones, The Fifth the Stay, Central The University (At the moment noted World Patrimony).

You dog appreciate aunt houses with net roofs those that demonstrated that not passing of the cheats is barrier to maintain alive the he/she devises of the epochal of the Gentlemen and the Ladies Antanonas. Their extensive green areas, National Parks, Theaters, Centers of Arts and places recreational invites us to know to city it activates. Their nightlife is usually activates because its population it lives, live of three million inhabitants, remove young is.


Poor guy, it probably took him a whole Sunday afternoon to produce this crap. "You dog appreciate aunt houses with net roofs that demonstrated that not passing of the cheats..." Dog? Can you believe that I was supposed to go through this with a red pen and underline the bits that are wrong, and give him some tips on how to improve his writing skills. What do you reckon? What particular area of his writing skills do you think he needs to work on?

To be fair to him it isn't actually less good than Finnegan's Wake.

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Thursday, July 29, 2004
 
WELCOME IN GAZA
Not many people would consider a holiday in the Gaza Strip, probably because it is so dusty. Yet according to these children you would be assured of a warm welcome:

Welcome in Gaza
When tourists visit my town they can see visit and eat things that will not be in his town. For example they can see many of religion places like mosque, they will see many of culture places and they will speak with a kind and a tolerant people. And tourists will be taking some food. Every country have it own food. Japan for example eat rice and fish, and we can say that our town have a lot of delishus things. They will see how we can get our food from the super market, and they will see our food and how it cooks. And they looking and shopping in us markets. My town is beautiful in my eyes, I think they will enjoy in our country. And finally thank you very much, and welcome. Welcome to the foreign people in Gaza!

City Gaza beautiful visit tourist city Gaza in the tree on street park Gaza Gaza City beautiful in the grass we children play football on Gaza in the Palestine Gaza pretty who love Gaza.

When tourists visit my town they can see things beautiful and see people good and school and he see mosques and tree. I hope to happy in my town.

The tourists if they visit my town they will be very, very happy. I would like them to visit us every time when they have a holiday. Summer is the season of the year. Summer is in shorter the cold. In Gaza the summer well hot. The Gaza in winter well cold.

When they come to Palestine they can see a sea and they can see a big cows, a strong horse as Henry and Mofus, and they can see a church, they can see Al Quds* and they can see a big towns, and they can see a king in Palestine.

*Al Quds is Jerusalem. I do not know who Henry and Mofus are.

The Palestine is very beautiful. I live in Gaza. You famous sea, beautiful places. The food: pizza. Some men is coming. He talk to my father my mother "where the beautiful places" my father talk to the men "lake hotel" the man "yes I want" my father talk "very much thing beautiful in Palestine like: shop and hotel" the man said "yes I want" my father said "like Palestine hotel", etc.

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Wednesday, July 28, 2004
 
OPEN LETTER TO MEATLOAF
Dear Mr Loaf,
In your hit single I Would Do Anything For Love, you claim, "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that". [My italics.] A willingness to do anything for love, sir, implies a readiness to pursue literally any course of action that might be of benefit to love, up to and including "that". If you persist in attaching limits and conditions to what you are prepared to do for love, you should amend your lyrics to reflect this, and make your position clear to a confused public.

"Whilst I am prepared to go to not inconsiderable lengths for love, I feel I must draw the line at that," would better describe your state of mind, given the current qualified nature of your commitment to love.

Yours sincerely,



Harry Hutton

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BRAZIL
Brazil it's a country very rich in customs. The most of tourists visit "Cristo Redemptor" because it's a simbol. Other customs is Samba, it's a type of music very popular in Brazil. The Brazil customs it's very different about JAPONESE customs. Have the people are friendly, but there is a lot of poor childrens, poor population at the north of Brazil. The clothes are different too, in Rio de Janeiro on the beach womans and mans don't wear too much clothes, just bikini and stuff. Brazil export a lot of coffe, canes of sugar, this things that there isn't too much in other countrys. Brazil must to change the government.


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Tuesday, July 27, 2004
 
ERIC CLAPTON
Moving story about Eric Clapton.

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Monday, July 26, 2004
 
WHAT DOES WE DO?
I four days more to be teacher. For celebrate I posting here the student work for you from many country. The first place I worked was...

ITALY
In Italy lives about fifty million inhabits. Yes, the people is kind but they is jealous. The people's custom likes go to the cinema, play footbal, gym and other sports activity. For breakfast people like drinks a tea, milk or a coffe and an oranguiuse and eat some biscuits. For lunch the people like eat a plate of pasta or rice and for a second plate some beefs with potatoes or salad and for end a fruit: an orange, an apple. For dinner the people like eat a beef or 2-3 egges with salad. During the week in the evening the people likes goes to the bar for drink somethink and speak with the friends or goes in a pub where can listening some music and relax. In the weekend you can go in very different parks for a pic-nick or go in a beach or you can go to visit different history city, for example, Venice. In winter a lot of people prefer goes in mountain for ski or skate in a skate-palace. For us the possibilities are a lot but in any case the people ask you self: What does we do? And the answer is: I don't know.

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I HATE TEACHING ENGLISH
This is my last week of being a teacher, hopefully ever. I’ve been doing this for seven years, though the whole idea of teaching things to people is deeply flawed, in my opinion. Christ I'm bored. It's not as if I am working towards any definite goal in this job, anything achievable. As fast as I teach them English they forget it, or leave the course, or die off. A new generation comes, and all the weary work to start over again, like landing on a snake in Snakes and Ladders. And back we go to fucking "Where's the Post Office?"

"This is Bill and his friend Tony. Bill plays tennis." God, how soul-destroying. No matter how many students I teach, there are always more coming along to take their place. I feel like a gerbil in an exercise wheel. I would like to do something else for a bit, but what? Join the Foreign Legion? Breed rabbits? Open a pub? A degree in social sciences makes you radically unemployable, like a facial tattoo. Having spent all this time teaching it is probably too late to rehabilitate back into society. I thought about doing some kind of postgraduate course. Perhaps the academic life might suit me. I see myself at high table, passing the port as donnish jokes were tossed about. Then I would stun the company into silence with one of my Killer Facts.

But is it good to spend so much time in universities? In The Sleepers by Walt Whitman there is a phrase, "The sick-gray faces of onanists". Another four years in higher education and that would be me. In four years time I would emerge thin and pasty, blinking like a mole. I can see myself on my release day as I stand on the pavement, shabby and pathetic. I am hunched against the biting wind, and all my possessions are next to me in a battered suitcase. Laughed at by women and splashed by the passing trucks, Hutton cuts a pitiful figure.

All alone in the big city. A group of schoolgirls pass. They look at me in disgust, and cross the road. I raise my shabby head to stare at them and piss into my trousers. Trudging aimlessly through the cold streets. The city is a bewildering place. Faces without names, where are they going? People curse as I get in the way. They want to kick me.

I make my way to the Salvation Army van to get some soup. Make it last Hutton; there'll be no more Formal Dinners in your cardboard box. But who is this? A wheezing old man is scavenging from the bins. He takes a swig of Brasso and staggers towards me. No wonder he looks familiar- it's the Dean! He left college six months ago to take up a position with a merchant bank, but having spent his entire adult life in universities he was unable even to boil an egg, and now look at him.

I am not ruling out further education, you understand. Compared with another year of stinking verbs and "grammar games" it has a lot to recommend it. But I am aware of the risks.

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Saturday, July 24, 2004
 
BOLIVAR
Today is the birthday of Simon Bolivar, liberator of five countries.

This photo shows a statue of Bolivar, in Bolivar Plaza, in Bolivar City, in Bolivar State, in the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela. (They got bored with being The Republic of Venezuela and changed the country's name in 1999.) The currency is also the Bolivar.

They’d call the whole country Bolivia if someone hadn’t already thought of it.

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RUSH LIMBAUGH
(Found at The People’s Republic of Seabrook.)

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AAARGH! GATORS!
I knew they had alligators in Florida, but I assumed they all lived in the swamps. I had no idea they just roam around the suburbs, loose. Is that how it is in Florida? An unsupervised alligator can just walk up your driveway and bite you?

It’s barbaric.

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Friday, July 23, 2004
 
I GET MOST OF MY WOMEN BY RESCUING THEM FROM LAKES
The Mighty Reason Man is having difficulties with girls. He makes eye contact, starts a conversation, gets her to laugh; it’s all going really well...
"...and then glance at her left hand and see my Nemesis: that f***ing diamond on the ring finger."
Tell me about it. I get most of my women by rescuing them from lakes, like in PG Wodehouse novels. You get Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps to push her in, then you dive in and save her, the idea being that she’s then grateful enough to invite you back to her place for ten minutes of clammy loveless sex.

To go to all that trouble only to find that she’s already married... ooh, it makes my blood boil.

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ISRAEL'S WALL
As you know, the recent UN vote on Israel’s wall went 150-6 against Israel. Funny comment on Tim Blair’s site by a guy called Carlos:
I can imagine Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Andorra, Antigua and Barbuda, Argentina, Armenia, Austria, Azerbaijan, Bahamas, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Barbados, Belarus, Belgium, Belize, Bhutan, Bolivia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Burundi, Cambodia, Cape Verde, Chile, China, Colombia, Congo, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Denmark, Djibouti, Dominica, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, Eritrea, Estonia, Fiji, Finland, France, Gabon, Gambia, Germany, Ghana, Greece, Grenada, Guatemala, Guinea, Guyana, Haiti, Honduras, Hungary, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Kuwait, Kyrgyzstan, Lao People’s Democratic Republic, Latvia, Lebanon, Lesotho, Libya, Liechtenstein, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malaysia, Maldives, Mali, Malta, Mauritania, Mauritius, Mexico, Monaco, Mongolia, Morocco, Mozambique, Myanmar, Namibia, Nepal, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nicaragua, Nigeria, Norway, Oman, Pakistan, Panama, Paraguay, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Republic of Korea, Romania, Russian Federation, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, San Marino, Saudi Arabia, Senegal, Serbia and Montenegro, Sierra Leone, Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Suriname, Swaziland, Sweden, Switzerland, Syria, Thailand, The former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, Timor-Leste, Togo, Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, Turkmenistan, Tuvalu, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, United Kingdom, United Republic of Tanzania, Uzbekistan, Venezuela, Vietnam, Yemen, Zambia, and Zimbabwe being anti-Semitic.

But Iceland? What's with that?

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Thursday, July 22, 2004
 
ROY EDROSO
Roy Edroso. He funny.

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Tuesday, July 20, 2004
 
WILL THIS DO?
I don’t have time for this nonsense today. I’ll be back tomorrow, unless I get picked off. In the meantime, here’s a rabbit with a pork pie on his head.

Rabbit from Fark, found via The Great Yobbo.

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Monday, July 19, 2004
 
YOU SAID YOU GO TO HONG KONG?
You said you go to Hong Kong? That's good! I write some explaining the best places to go and things to eat about Hong Kong to you now. In Hong Kong there are many happenings, like the Bank of China building, Central plaza. The other happenings are the ferry and tram, these two transports are very long times ago, and the new place is Tsing Ma Bridge.

If you are visitor you should go to Ocean Park. There have many things to you to play, all are exciting games. You can also see Panda and dolphin there, they are very cute. I'd really recommend you go to the Ocean Park and the Beach and you can play all the exciting game in Ocean Park and seeing the pretty living thing in the sea. After that you can go to the beach an have a swim and sun bathing.

Now let talk something about eating. I know you like to eat. In Hong Kong you can go everywhere to find food to eat. It's because the food around Hong Kong are all good! You can buy some trendy thing in a cheap price.

In here, the weather is quite hot in summer. You must find water every fourth day or you will die. It will be hot so I think you can just bring some t-shirt and a jacket to go to the air-conditional mall.


That line about how you must find water or you will die is from the rules of a Desert Island Survival activity that we did. She must have got the idea that we say that kind of thing a lot in English, and noted it down for future use.

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Sunday, July 18, 2004
 
KILLER FACT!
The President of the United States, the Vice President, the Treasury Secretary, the Secretary of State, the Attorney General, the National Security Advisor and the Chief of Staff all have British surnames. (Rumsfeld has a German name, yet the others seem to have no problem accepting him and treating him as an equal.)

This administration is known, among other things, for its dislike of trees. Yet look up their names and you will notice a distinct tree theme:
BUSH: Someone who lived by a thicket of bushes, from the Middle English "bush(e)", probably from the Old Norse "buski" (c.f. The Tempest: "My bosky acres...")

CHENEY: Someone who lived near a conspicuous oak tree, or in an oak forest.

ASHCROFT: Croft in the ash trees.
Incidentally, in Sanskrit John Ashcroft means "hairy arseholes".

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Saturday, July 17, 2004
 
POLICE ACADEMY 8
They are making Police Academy 8. Comment would be superfluous.

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Friday, July 16, 2004
 
IF I WERE MILTON FRIEDMAN
If I were Milton Friedman, I could draw a moral from that the fact that, in the middle of a typhoon, taxis (private enterpirse) are still downstairs waiting for business, whereas buses (state sector) have given up.

Like the buses, I gave up and went home long ago. If I had the true free-market spirit I would be out there in the storm, trying to teach people verbs.

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TYPHOON!
Typhoon! Hopefully it will get us, and blow my whole stinking office into the harbour.

UPDATE: Look at this fine lunatic.

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Thursday, July 15, 2004
 
RODENTS FOR HITCHENS APPEAL!
Ever read a Christopher Hitchens column and thought, "I would like to send this man a box of live rats"? Well now you can. Just click on the PayPal box below, and all the money raised will be used to buy rats for our generation's Orwell. And remember, the more you give, the more rats we can send him.





UPDATE: The competition have raised $440.

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Wednesday, July 14, 2004
 
NOT AS STUPID AS I LOOK
This guy has put a PayPal box on his site to raise money for... Christopher Hitchens.

Not going to fall for that one.


UPDATE: Hitchens has been in touch, and they are now going to send the money to the Patriotic Union of Kurdistan. Typical. You try to buy a drink for Christopher Hitchens, and you end up arming the Kurds.

And Joe Katzman writes in telling me to be more trusting. Sorry, Joe, I am sure you are legit, but I get several of these "Money for Hitchens" spams every day. You can't be too careful these days.

UPDATE 2: Cultured Dave warns: "I fell for one of those money-for-Hitchens scams once. I ended up owning some kind of oil pipeline in Nigeria."

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Tuesday, July 13, 2004
 
I AM ATTEMPTING TO GROW BREASTS
I have quit drinking. I am taking the banned Olympic drug Nandrolone instead, in an attempt to grow breasts.

I’ll let you know how it works out.

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Monday, July 12, 2004
 
ARAB-AMERICAN KILLER FACTS!
  • Approximately three quarters of Arab-Americans are Christian.

  • By a large margin the biggest group are the Lebanese.

  • Approximately 45% of Arab-Americans voted for Bush, compared to 19% of Jews and 9% of Blacks.

  • In 2000, Arab-Americans Muslims were more pro-Bush than Arab-American Christians were: they voted for Bush by a margin of 58.5% to 22.5%. Apart from Cubans (78% for Bush) they were more likely to vote Republican than almost any other ethnic minority group.

  • For some reason, they no longer like him: according to an early 2004 poll, Arab-American Muslims would now support a Democrat by a 52 to 10 percent margin.

  • Famous Arab-Americans include Ralph Nader, General John "Mad Arab" Abizaid and Frank Zappa.

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YOU CAN’T MAKE A SILK PURSE OUT OF A SOW’S EAR
Mn. Disappointing set of test results this term:
Ivan-19%
Natalie- 14%
Chung- 38%
Celia- 28%
Eric- 25%
Cyrus- 44%
I’ll stop there, because Cyrus got the top mark in the whole class. My star student, and yet a complete chaff-head! No correlation is detectable, either, between hard work and the marks they got: the girl who sits right in front of me and writes down every word I say got 3% less than the tubby kid who sits at the back causing problems.

I’ve done my best for these people, I really have. But you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.

UPDATE: A colleague reminds me that there are no bad students, only bad teachers. According to the latest theories, you can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

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Sunday, July 11, 2004
 
ANARCHY AS USUAL
Matthew Yglesias is talking about Zero Tolerance:
Does cutting down on "quality of life" offenses actually reduce the violent crime rate…?
It does not. New York’s decline in crime began in 1990. Giuliani did not take office and Bratton was not appointed until 1993. Other cities also experienced big falls in crime:
% fall in homicide from peak to 2001:
New York- 73.6% (peaked 1990)
San Diego- 72.8% (peaked 1991)
Austin- 69.5% (peaked 1985)
Seattle -65.6% (peaked 1994)
New York had a 45% increase in police numbers –three times the national average- which presumably would have caused some reduction in crime even with no change in policing methods. According to Steve Levitt, once you have removed the effect of these extra police officers, there is nothing left to explain. Even LA and Washington DC, cities with notoriously awful police forces, became much safer over this period.

I was living in Caracas when this same Bratton arrived to reform the police, and it was anarchy as usual. We continued to get shot, mugged and car-jacked at approximately pre-Bratton levels.

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Saturday, July 10, 2004
 
KILLER FACT!
I expect you are wondering which is the greatest American state for getting struck by lightning bolts and bitten by sharks. The answer is Florida, which has more shark attacks than the rest of the United States combined. However, the effete Atlantic shark only manages to kill 2.2% of the humans it attacks, whereas Californian sharks kill a mouth-watering 8.6%

(Via Florida Cracker. She omitted to mention that -Killer Fact!- men are four times as likely to be stuck by lightning as women.)

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Friday, July 09, 2004
 
THE LATEST EVIDENCE FROM SCANDINAVIA
A Norwegian group F*** for Forest is hoping "...to take over the entire commercial porn industry and transfer all the money to protection of the environment." Unless this is all some impenetrable Scandinavian joke.

As a general rule, never take seriously any argument based on "the latest evidence from Scandinavia / Holland."

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Thursday, July 08, 2004
 
THE EVIL CASTRO
Half the caricatures of Fidel Castro show him with a cigar in his mouth.

Killer Fact!- Castro quit smoking in 1985.

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THE BLIND PUPPIES CHRISTMAS APPEAL
  • Readers Cultured Dave and Ball Bag are raising money for the Blind Puppies Christmas Appeal. They are hoping to take three sacks of puppies to Disneyland, to bring a little cheer to their lives over the festive season. Let me know if you think you can help.

  • Reader TimT is looking for a job in computers, and has set up a whole website about it. It’s a long shot, but if you own a computer firm in New South Wales and are currently hiring, please get in touch (with him, not with me.) I can't vouch for him -he could be a member of Hezbollah for all I know- but he has a degree from the University of Sydney, for what that’s worth.
Anyone else got problems? Lost your cat? Searching for Mr Right? I’m here to help.

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Monday, July 05, 2004
 
KILLER FACT!
Australia is the best place on earth to be a woman, according to The Economist’s "gender-related development index", which attempts to measure inequality between the sexes. Belgium, Norway, Sweden and Canada are second, third, fourth and fifth respectively.

If you are a female film director, a good place to live is Iran: 25% of Iranian films are made by women, compared to 4% in US. (This was in The Observer, so it may well be untrue.)


UPDATE: Yobbo writes in, with an interesting question:
Australia might be a good place to be a woman, but I hear that Hong Kong is an even better place to be a man... Can you confirm or deny this Mr Cavalry Man?
Well, Mr Yobbo, it’s OK, but it can’t really compete with South America, in my opinion. In Brazil you can see gap-toothed tree cutters with women who in the UK would be going out with bond traders or Prince William. Getting a woman in Brazil is about difficult as getting a haircut, whereas in Hong Kong you have to put a bit of effort in. You can't just ply them with drink and hope for the best.

Russia is also amazing for what women will put up with. The gulf between the women there -stunning, often highly cultured- and the men -complete slobs- is astonishing. Any man who chews with his mouth closed and doesn't gob in the streets will stand out like a fur coat on a pig.

If you are into wife-beating and domestic violence I gather Scotland has a lot to offer.

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Sunday, July 04, 2004
 
TO MY AMERICAN READERS
Congratulations on your treasonous revolution. May you all rot.

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Saturday, July 03, 2004
 
THE TIME I SAW A WOMAN GET SAVAGED BY A BEAR IN NORTH KOREA
Anyway, so I’m in North Korea and they’re taking me to the Pyongyang circus, and after the acrobats and the clown on a bicycle they had a cruelty-to-bears routine, which was absolutely hilarious. Two bears came on dressed as babies and were made to hop and do tricks. Ha ha! Look at the bears, mummy! Aren’t they silly!

After a bit, a circus woman was standing in front of one of the bears –let us call him Bear A- trying to get him to jump over a skipping rope when the bear decided that he had had just about enough of this. It let out a huge growl, leaped on her and tried to bite her face. The other performers ran over and dragged it off her, and the show went on. The poor bear was muzzled, so there wasn’t much claret.

Nevertheless, I can now say that I have lived to see an acrobat get mauled by a bear in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

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NEW HONG KONG BLOG!
A new Hong Kong blog!

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Thursday, July 01, 2004
 
TO WADE THROUGH SLAUGHTER TO A THRONE
Recreational sniping (cont); two more emails from gunsmiths:
Dear Harry:
The task of producing a walking stick capable of sniping is a daunting one. Sniping, as you know, is done at a distance. Since a walking stick would not be capable of holding steady, a shot (at distance) would be nearly impossible to accomplish. There would also be the need of a sighting device which could be attached and detached quite easily. I do know someone however, who might be capable of this task. Would you like his e mail address? He has made several interesting weapons.

Bob
And:
Mr. Hutton,

I have discussed your request with a colleague of mine. He was very interested but mentioned a few technical problems with your request. We would like to meet with you to discuss other options or refine your original request. Contact me, via e-mail, when you get this message.

Ben
I am sure this Ben character is trying to lure me into an FBI ambush. I’ll give him Instapundit’s address if anyone knows it. With Reynolds in a straitjacket or, better still, shot like a pig, I can become top blog.

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TWITTER



ECONOMICS AND POLITICS

Krugman's cat

I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point

The time I punched JK Galbraith

Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?

In Defence of John Prescott

Prescott 2



CELEBRITY NEWS

Jennifer Lopez has been shot!

Nicholas Cage is a tit

A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim

Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss

50 Cent almost too stupid to speak

Ooh, brain hurts

Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman

I'm so angreeee

Ben Affleck

The Magic of Snoop

Inane Dogg

Germaine Greer's gusset


MEANINGLESS HOAXES

Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan

Correspondence with Boris Johnsons

Ministry of Defence

Thames Valley Police

Meatloaf

British Airways- I'll show those fucks

Bank

The Polite Society

Is this a library or a bordello?

Rumsfeld

Israeli Embassy

My MP

The Scottish National Party

Garry Bushell

Letter to Gunsmith (1)

Greenspan

Richard Dawkins


TEACHING ENGLISH

Your child is an illiterate cabbage

Like a trouser, yet not a trouser

Why is life so wretched?

Stopping Hitler at Munich

The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk

Non-academic sub-adult clowning

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

No sane man cares about such things

Who, whom?

Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid

The Business English racket

Keith Richards' English level

The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth

Teaching English to cretins

This is a real pain in the arse

I hate teaching English


BRITAIN

I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps

Glue sniffers

Yorkshire Yahoos

The British public are deeply stupid

The UK's most successful ethnic group

Violent Britain

The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin

How much do you give a ponce?

Reflections on the British drunk

This septic isle

Thoughts on muggers

Do you want a punch in the mouth?

How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?

Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain

This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists

Many of my best friends are bishops

Britain's Unfunniest Comedian

Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole

Please go away


COLOMBIA

Shut your cake hole, you lunatic

I don't care about human rights that much

Why I don't take drugs

Someone is getting mugged

I am a victim of crime

Robbie Williams to blame for Colombian Civil War

That which does not kill you almost kills you

I don't know how much more I can take

Colombian girl santas

The hippos of Pablo Escobar


VENEZUELA

Dancing on the deck of the Titanic

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

The pros and cons of domestic violence

Life? Don't talk to me about life

The evil Castro cured my cough

Breast implants out of control

Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe

One of those parties that got out of hand

Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?

Don King has lots of good ideas

Chavezfest (1)

Chavezfest (2)


BLOGGERS

The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft

Pie attacks on Professor Krugman

Hooahs!

The Andrew Sullivan Hoax

Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.

If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you

Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time

Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test

The fearless Huffington

Sourpuss Malkin

Book!


THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR

How to say "Death to America!" in Arabic

How to say "Death to America!" in Farsi

If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

I am opposed to the hacking off of heads

Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective

Top ten warmongers

Islamic Banking

Knob heads

Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave

Another atrocity


NORTH KOREA

Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

Addio Amore, Addio Razza

If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat

Kim Il Sung's birthday!

Billy Graham in North Korea

North Korea job offer

The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear


SPORTS JOURNALISM

People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

Baseball is idiotic

I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting

World Cup diary


PALESTINE

Where to buy beer in Gaza

The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip

Someone threw a bomb in our garden

It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die

Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


AUSTRALIA

Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

Twisted gonads

Australians vs. camels

Off with the false whiskers

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation


LITERATURE

Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

It doesn't seem to make sense

Fisking the poet Keats


STUDENT WORK

Gaza

Brazil

Venezuela

Italy

Hong Kong

When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad



TRAVEL

Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

Trip to the Orinoco


TODD MATHERS

Personal injury lawyer

President Ahmajinadad


MISC

Live-blogging the plane crash

Prison survival tips

Suicide statistics

Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

David Irving

Arab Americans

If you like rock music you must be stupid

Quality of life index

A pogrom of quails

Krugman in Bogota

People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock

Rum

The Amis brothers

Haiku on another wasted year


BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS

The illusion of plenty

Diets


KILLER FACTS!

Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

Killer Fact! (Napoleon)

Killer Fact! (Brixton)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland)

Killer Fact! (Pakistan)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Brazil 2)

Killer Fact! (Colombia)

Killer Fact! (France)

Killer Fact! (British National Party)

Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)

Killer Fact! (Vietnam)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Ivory Coast)

Killer Fact! (Sweden)

Killer Fact! (Vegans)

Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)

Killer Fact! (Casanova)

Killer Fact! (James Bond)

Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)

Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)

Killer Fact! (Murder rates)

Killer Fact! (Strangling)

Killer Fact! (Buglaries)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland 2)

Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Evian)

Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)

Killer Fact! (Bollywood)

Killer Fact! (Australian women)

Killer Fact! (Costa Rica)

Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)

Killer Fact! (Jesuits)

Killer Fact! (Iceland)

Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)

Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)

Killer Fact! (North Korea)

Killer Fact! (Red Heads)

Killer Fact! (Death row)

Killer Fact! (Japan)

Killer Fact! (Thailand)

Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)

Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)

Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)

Killer Fact! (First English sentence)

Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)

Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)

Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)

Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)

Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)

Killer Fact! (Iraqi Jews)

Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)

Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)

Killer Fact! (India)

Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)

Killer Fact! (Tories)

Killer Fact! (Frogs)

Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)

Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)

Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)

(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)



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