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Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Thursday, September 30, 2004
 
I AM AN A-LIST NAZI
I am now Britain’s fourth biggest Nazi. Close, but no cigar, as our allies say. Still, I am definitely now A-list, and in a good position to launch a bomb plot when time shall serve.

Hats off to the following storm-troopers, without whom I’d still be making speeches in beer halls:
The Virtual Stoa
The Sixth International
Oh Purleese
The Current Outlook
Nick Barlow
Chris Lightfoot
Phil, Spirit of 1976
Eric the Unread
General Theory of Rubbish
Michael Brooke
Cloud 23
Dave Weedon
Just another false alarm
Class worrier
Bristling Badger
Merrick

Yobbo (Land of the Dingo)
After Grog Blog (Land of the Dingo)
The Shaky Kaiser (The Big Lychee)
The Oregon Commentator (US of States)
So thanks very much for all your help. In fact, while you're here, I would also like to be No 1 on Google for HOT TEENS. Or is that asking too much?

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Wednesday, September 29, 2004
 
SHAKESPEARE BATTLES QUIZ
New quiz at Killer-Fact.com.

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WIN A NIGHT OUT WITH JOHN ASHCROFT!
I sent a letter to the Chief Constable of the Thames Valley Police. He never replied, the miserable anus, but I have posted it anyway.

If you want to copy and paste it, and send it to your own Police Force, feel free. Best reply wins a night out with John Ashcroft.

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Tuesday, September 28, 2004
 
LETTER TO THE POLITE SOCIETY
...here.

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HAVE YOU CONSIDERED HAVING YOURSELF FROZEN?
No one is commenting on the Killer-Fact forum apart from some idiot calling himself Crashing Bore, who is actually me in false whiskers.

What’s wrong, don’t you like my forum? Or is everyone dead? I sincerely hope not, but if you are, have you considered having yourself frozen? It’s definitely worth it. Millions of years in the future scientists will be able to make you walk around in short jerks using, like, electric pulses.

I wonder if there will still be wars in the future. What do you think?

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Monday, September 27, 2004
 
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET YOUR HANDS ON MY DONG?
Going through my suitcase I just found 50,000 Dong, left over from my Vietnam trip. If anyone wants, I’ll post you them.

Never let it be said that Hutton has no dong.


UPDATE: Don’t bother. It's not even $5. Turns out I’m not as long on dong as I thought.

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THE BRITISH NATIONAL PARTY
Turns out that I am 23rd on Google for "British National Party", on the strength of a single Killer Fact. If a few of you could link to this, or to my Killer Fact, I can overtake the real BNP, and then I’ll be the UK’s top Nazi.

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OUR NAMES ARE CURSES ON THE LIPS OF PEOPLE WHO NEVER EVEN MET US
From Alicublog:
"Before blogs," he said, "tendentious cranks such as myself had no outlets for our ill-informed opinions, besides Letters to the Editor and soapbox rants at parties that were winding down. Also we could not count on our reputations as fuckwads to extend much past the physical borders of our respective communities." He broke the seal on a fresh pint of Jim Beam and took a long swig. "But now," he continued, "we can all write Letters to the Editor round the clock, and see them published immediately, unedited and misspelled. And at three in the morning, we can get drunk by ourselves, and vomit forth our prejudices without having to yell ‘hey, where ya goin’?’ at people who suddenly decided they have to get home before the sitter gets nervous. And our names are curses on the lips of people who never even met us." He raised his bottle grandly. "To technology!" he roared. "All hail the mighty microchip and modem! All hail the --" He looked at me, surprised. "Hey," he said, "who’re you?"

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Sunday, September 26, 2004
 
KILLER FACT!
Approximate mark-up on importing cocaine: 1,500% *

Approximate mark-up on importing nutmeg in the early 17th century: 60,000%


*This is only the figure for smuggling, and does not include the mark-up in processing the coca leaves or in distribution (it is more expensive by the gram.)

Every agency gives different figures, but the price of 1kg in Colombia is somewhere between $1,000-$1,800, and between $15,000-$25,000 in Miami. (Please tell me if you know where to get reliable figures for 2004.)

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Saturday, September 25, 2004
 
BORING FACT!
Canada exports more cabbage to the United States than the rest of the world combined.

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Friday, September 24, 2004
 
SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC TO GUEST STAR AS GENOCIDE MIKE MIKHAILOVIC ON HBO’S SOPRANOS

Full story here.

Via Max Sawicky.

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Thursday, September 23, 2004
 
VICE SQUAD
Re: the cocaine post, my friend Jim Leitzel has a whole website about this kind of issue. Check out Vice Squad. If you scroll down a bit he explains how slot machines work.

I have also added Bint Magazine to the blogroll. It's edited by the same bint who sometimes comments in these threads.

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COCAINE
The main reason I don’t take drugs is that they have been up another man’s arse to get through customs. Nor would I buy any other product that had been imported in this disgusting way.

Here in Colombia, however, none of that applies. It would be like living on a farm and drinking nature’s milk, fresh from the cow.

But it still doesn’t appeal. I acquired a strong dislike for narcotics of all kinds in my first weeks of university. Every time anyone smoked anything they would lean back and say “Wow, that’s good gear,” as if sometimes it was better than other times, and as if first year maths students could tell the difference anyway, if there was a difference, which I doubt. After about a month of this I decided that I could handle the drugs, but I could no longer cope with the Pink Floyd, and went back to drinking furniture polish.

It also annoyed me that the cretins would boycott South African grapefruit, but apparently had no problem funding drug gangs and paramilitaries in Latin America.

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Wednesday, September 22, 2004
 
KILLER-FACT.COM
From today, Killer-Fact.com has a forum. Now you, the ordinary man in the street, can contribute your own Killer Facts. It’s better if you have a link, so we know that it is a real Killer Fact, and not some impostor.

Please don’t use those bastard smiley faces.

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COUNT ME OUT
I went to join the Colombian branch of a human rights organisation today, but it turns out that they are a lot more enthusiastic about defending human rights than I am. They are sending a group way up the Magdalena river valley (Apache Country, controlled by various armed bands) to accompany trade union activists who have been getting death threats from the paramilitaries.

Fuck that. No one is sorrier than I am about those lousy trade unionists getting massacred, but preservation of Hutton remains the number one goal, overriding other considerations.

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KILLER FACT!
Iceland has only won one Nobel Prize (for literature), yet per capita it has won more Nobel Prizes than any other country in the world, since hardly anyone lives there (population of Iceland: approx 280,000).

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Tuesday, September 21, 2004
 
EXPRESS KIDNAPPINGS
Just had an interesting chat with a taxi driver. Would I, he wondered, like to buy some emeralds? Not really, but thanks. But everyone who comes to Colombia buys emeralds. Mn, I said. He professed himself puzzled by my not wanting emeralds, but even so, I would surely want a leather jacket. Would I at least try it on?

No doubt I’ve got a stupid face, but I question whether it is buy-emeralds-off-a-taxi-driver stupid.

There's a lot of ballyhoo involved in getting a taxi in this country. You phone them and they give you a code, so you know he’s a real taxi driver and not a kidnapper. If you flag them down in the streets you’ll sometimes get taken on the “paseo millonario”, where they take you on a tour of the city’s ATM machines, with a gun in your ribs, which isn’t many laughs. Then they dump you in a slum somewhere.

Not long ago a friend of mine was car-jacked in Caracas. They looted his bank accounts, but his car had one of those satellite-tracking gimmicks, and the police traced it to a parking lot in west Caracas and shot the robbers, or the alleged robbers.

They shot someone, anyway.

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Monday, September 20, 2004
 
ATTENTION AMERICAN READERS!
Were you aware that your visa forms contain this question?
"Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you involved, in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany and its allies?" (Yes or no: tick the box).
When I was in Houston a few days ago I ticked no, and left the airport without a stain on my character. I suppose the idea is to trap people who on the one hand are genocidal Nazi terrorists, yet who believe that lying is immoral.

There used to be that question asking whether you planned to subvert the constitution, overthrow the Federal Government or whatever. Peter Ustinov put "sole purpose of visit." These days they’d have him in one of those cages in Cuba.

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Sunday, September 19, 2004
 
ACHTUNG! CONTAINS NUDITY
Sorting out the links over at Killer-Fact.com. Going to have a no riff-raff policy from now on. If you make a donation to the white mice fund I'll put "ACHTUNG! CONTAINS NUDITY" next to your link. Drum up a few hits for ya.

In the Hong Kong links, Seelai actually does contain nudity. And would you believe it, he gets more hits than all the other Hong Kong blogs combined. I think he's on the right track. If things don't start picking up it's going to be All Nude Wrestling Action around here. Killer Facts are ratings death.

"Killer Fact! Chile is the world's largest producer of copper." No one's interested.

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HENLEY-UPON-THAMES MORE VIOLENT THAN COLOMBIA
Christ, what a country! From today's Telegraph:
"The number of women who are seeking treatment at hospital casualty units after being injured in drunken catfights is rising sharply, consultants warn.... a consultant at Calderdale Royal Infirmary in Halifax, West Yorkshire, said that about 45 of the 300 patients seen in accident and emergency over a typical weekend were women wounded in drunken brawls."
Is there any other country in the world where women have punch ups? Even Australians have higher standards of public behaviour than we do.

A few years ago I went to the carnival in Colombia, by a large margin the most violent country on earth. There were tens of thousands in the streets, many drunk from about lunchtime, yet I didn't see any trouble at all, just people enjoying themselves in the sunshine. A similar event in England would have degenerated into a free-for-all or mini-riot by about tea time. Indeed, the last time I went to Henley Regatta I saw four fist fights.

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KILLER FACT!
Ecuador doesn't have a currency.

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Saturday, September 18, 2004
 
SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE, YOU LUNATIC
There's a lunatic in the street. He's been shouting his head off for nearly an hour, roaring and bellowing like a big mad loony. I want to put my head out of the window and tell him to shut his cake hole, but I'm a bit diffident about confronting people in Colombia.

Safer just to let him howl.

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FOX HUNTING DEBATE- VOTE NOW!












You are a British fox. How would you most like to be killed?
I would like to be shot by a farmer.
I would like to be chased cross country by posh people, then bitten by dogs.
I would like to be dug out by terriers, then bashed on the head with a shovel.
I would like to be mown down by traffic.
I would like to be caught in a wire snare.
I would like to be trapped in a cage, then stoned to death with champagne bottles in an Oxbridge college.


  

Free polls from Pollhost.com

(That last one from Decline and Fall.)

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NO CROISSANTS? THIS IS MONSTROUS!
Just went to the bakers to buy some croissants to go with my morning coffee, but there were no croissants to be had, not even for ready money. Croissants would be arriving later, she claimed. Would I like some cake?

Of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: I almost had some croissants.

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Thursday, September 16, 2004
 
GOODBYE, THEN
I’ll leave you with Lord Copper’s travel advice, from Scoop.

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MOST OF THE SITES ON MY BLOGROLL ARE COMPLETE TOSH
I’m off to Colombia in the morning. As soon as I find an internet I’ll update this swine. If you don’t hear from me within about four days, assume I’ve been kidnapped. I might put a PayPal box up so that well-wishers can chip in towards my ransom. You wouldn’t want them to cut my ears off, I hope.

Meantime you can look at some of the sites on my blogroll. I’m not going to lie to you- most of them are complete tosh. But some are good (linking policy explained here).

If you want a round up of what’s going on in Asia you could look at Simon’s Asia by Blog. Must take him hours to produce the thing.

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LGF WATCH WATCH WATCH
Check out LGF Watch Watch Watch. Found via John B. Soon the internet is going to collapse in on itself like one of those imploding stars.

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Tuesday, September 14, 2004
 
MAGNIFICENT DIAMOND-CUTTER ERECTIONS
I know what we can talk about. Someone was saying the other day that since her boyfriend had gone vegetarian he now enjoys the most magnificent diamond-cutter erections you could ever wish to see. The theory is that if you stop eating meat your arteries become less caked up, and you get a higher blood flow to the old chap.

Is there any truth in this, so far as you are aware? I would be loath to give up sausages if it's just an old wives' tale.

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WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE LONG-RANGE BOMBER?
Supposed to be in Mexico today, but my flight got cancelled by Ivan the Hurricane. Instead of drinking a coconut in Cancun, I'm stuck here with you. Let's make the most of it.

So what do you want to talk about?

What's your favourite long-range bomber? Bit of a B52 man, myself. Gotta love those dry thrust Pratt & Whitney turbofans.


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Monday, September 13, 2004
 
FLY FROM THE WRATH TO COME
It seems that the explosion in North Korea was not a nuclear test after all. But I’m standing by my prediction of species extinction, and have brought forward my plan to emigrate to Tahiti. I shall sit out the upcoming holocaust with dusky maidens and tropical fruit. I’ll let you know how it works out.

People read these nuclear proliferation stories then shrug their shoulders and wonder what’s for lunch, when an appropriate response would be to sob with terror and lose control of your bladder.

If London is still standing in the year 2020, I’ll eat my hat.

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TESTS FOR SEVEN YEARS OLDS
Hot political issue in the UK at the moment is tests for seven-year olds. In my opinion they are justifiable, but only for vital medical research.

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KIM JONG IL WOULDN'T DO THAT- IT'S IRRATIONAL
A lot of people have said that Kim Jong Il wouldn’t explode a bomb so close to the Chinese border because to do so would be irrational. This is to fall into the he-wouldn’t-do-that-because-it’s-irrational fallacy. Something that seems obvious to you might not seem obvious to a man who has grown up believing himself to be a demi-god.

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Sunday, September 12, 2004
 
ADDIO AMORE, ADDIO RAZZA*
It looks as if North Korea may have tested a nuclear weapon. Stop contributing to that pension fund, my friend. This is the proverbial it: the inevitable beginning of the inevitable end for our rat-like species.

It's been nice knowing you.

*Farewell love, farewell race (from Turandot).

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KILLER FACT!
The shelling in World War 1 was so loud it could sometimes be heard in London.

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Saturday, September 11, 2004
 
ON BOARD THE BALDNESS BUS
Don’t tell anyone, but I have started using a Mr Bald potion ("Fights hereditary rug loss.") A few years ago I thought I had got away with it, but now it's started to fray a bit at the front.

Though by no means a slap-head, I am on board the Baldness Bus.

The trouble with this potion, it seems to me, is that to know if it is doing any good one would need an identical twin who eschewed such potions and let nature take its course. I could try to fool people by letting it grow a bit, but as my father told me when I was a teenager, there’s a fine line between Byronic and Moronic.

I don’t know if any of this interests you.

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Friday, September 10, 2004
 
KILLER FACT!
Harrison Ford has an ant named after him- Peidole harrisonfordi.

It is a Central American ant.

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Thursday, September 09, 2004
 
JAILED LOVE WALRUS
Another American Presidents quiz. The next one will be about celebrities. Did you know that Barry White, the self-styled "Walrus of Love" was jailed for car theft?

I did. It's my job to know.

And he was expelled from school for punching a teacher.

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WHICH PRESIDENT HAD A SQUARE GARDEN?
American Presidents quiz, over at Killer-Fact.com.

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ADVICE FOR AMERICANS IN LONDON
Jim Leitzel is coming to London, to see our funny "red" buses, and drink our "bitters ale".

Some advice for our American guests:
  • Don’t bring your gun. They are not allowed here. If you are mugged, as you almost certainly will be, pretend you don’t speak English. The police will take about 40 minutes to arrive, so try to keep them talking.

  • No doubt you will travel on the London Underground (it’s filthy, and the terrorists are going to blow it up any day now, but most visitors end up using it). Before you sit down, you should shake hands with everybody in the carriage. They will think you are rude if you do not. And at the end of cinema performances remember to stand up and sing God Save the Queen. Otherwise you could be arrested.

  • If you go south of the river, the Queen’s Law no longer runs. It is a war of each against all, nature red in tooth and claw. Don’t go south of the river.

  • It is September so winter is setting in hard. The blizzard season is just beginning. Don’t forget your fur hat. ("The English winter, ending in July, to recommence in August..." -Lord Byron.)

Any other advice for Jim?

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RATS’ TITS
Unable to install Movable Type on killer-fact.com because my server doesn’t have Perl. I don’t know what Perl is, but evidently it is something pretty good. Just spent $130 on MT, so now I’ll have to move servers. Rats’ tits.

Apparently I must have:
The ability to run custom CGI scripts
Perl, version 5.004_04 or greater
MySQL
If anyone knows what these things are and where I can find them, I’d be grateful.

It’s all this person’s fault. He’s the one who recommended the current bunch of Perl-free losers.

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Wednesday, September 08, 2004
 
HUH?
Air fare from Mexico to Bogota- £550
Air fare from London to Bogota- £582

£32 to cross the Atlantic twice? There's a text book economic explanation for this that I'm failing to recall. Something to do with price elasticities.

I'll ask Krugman when I see him.

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KILLER FACTS- BIN LADEN
  • 6 feet 5 inches tall.

  • Shares a birthday with Kate Bush and Lisa Kudrow (30th July).

  • 47 years old.

  • Notorious bearded person.

  • 17th of 57 children.

  • Family originally from Yemen, Land of the Goat, known for its mountain ranges and violent death.

  • Father died in a helicopter accident.

  • Has at least ten children, and three wives (perhaps four).

  • Worth an estimated $200-$300 million

  • Last known residence a cave.

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Tuesday, September 07, 2004
 
BASTARD JAVASCRIPT
Just posted a new quiz over at Killer-Fact.com

Took me hours to get the bastard Javascript working. I don't even know what JavaScript is.

When Killer-Fact.com is up and running full throttle there will be quizzes every day, or every couple of days. On every topic under the sun, except football.

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I MUST MAKE PEACE WITH TURKO THE TERRIBLE
I am 32 today, slightly older than the post-it note, but not quite as old as bar-code scanners. And it occurs to me that I have achieved precisely nothing in all this time. By the time Alexander the Great was my age he had already sacked Thebes, Gaza and Tyre. And some other places that I don’t remember right now.

By the time Israel was my age they’d already had four wars. I still haven’t had one war, though I am hoping to sign a non-aggression pact with Turkey later this year, which will leave me free to stir up trouble in the Near East.

But first I must make peace with Turko the Terrible.

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Monday, September 06, 2004
 
KICKING AN OTTER TO DEATH- THAT’S SHOWBIZ
Congratulations to idiotidiotidiot and anonymous, who won this week’s goats. Another question for you, fact fans. Today’s prize- an otter!

What do the following writers have in common:
Edgar Allen Poe
Thomas De Quincey
Robert Louis Stevenson
Coleridge
Wilkie Collins
Graham Greene
If no one gets the answer within twenty four hours the otter will be painlessly destroyed. Well it might not be painless- I’m going to kick it to death.

But that’s showbiz. It knew the risks.

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COLOMBIA
If anyone's interested, just posted a story I wrote about my first trip to Colombia. It has everything: anacondas, piranhas, jungle, communist guerrillas and native tribes. No love angle, sadly, though there are river dolphins.

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KILLER FACT!
King Shaka of the Zulus employed a Wiper of the Royal Arse.


At Killer-Fact.com I'm going to set up a form so that you, the ordinary man in the street, can contribute your own Killer Facts. Haven't worked out how to do that yet, but in the meantime you can email them to me, or just post them in any of the comments sections.

But they have to meet a certain minimum standard of killerness, to make it to Killer-Fact.com

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WIN A GOAT!
What do the following books have in common? First correct answer wins a goat.
Don Quixote
De Profundis
(Oscar Wilde)
Fanny Hill
An Introduction to Mathematical Philosophy
(Betrand Russell)
Sir Walter Raleigh's History of the World
Mein Kampf
Pilgrim's Progress
Bonus question, for a whole flock of goats: what do the numbers refer to:
W.B. Yeats- 29
Lord Byron- 11

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Sunday, September 05, 2004
 
KILLER FACT!
One in five black people is Nigerian.

By the way, just posted a bunch of Trivia links over at killer-fact.com

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Saturday, September 04, 2004
 
THE RATIONAL MUGGER
If you try to rob someone and they refuse to hand over the money, the rational mugger would run away and find another victim. His chances of getting caught, and his prison sentence, are several times greater if he shoots or stabs you. So if all muggers were motivated by rational self-interest we would be completely safe from them. By shooting you a mugger is behaving selflessly in the interests of the guild; it doesn't benefit him, but when word gets out that they sometimes react like this it makes life easier for his colleagues.

The rational mugger must not let on that he is rational. It is like Nixon's madman theory, where it is rational to pretend to be mental. This is why muggers are always shouting and swearing, and why Nixon always shouted and swore.

The best thing to do if someone points a gun at you is to pretend to faint. What can they do? They are not likely to shoot an unconscious person.* Another good trick is to distract them by shouting "Hey! Look behind you!"

*If you try this and get killed the author accepts no responsiblity.

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Friday, September 03, 2004
 
JUST SAW A MUGGING
Just saw a Japanese guy get mugged. There were about five muggers, but he chased after them yelling his head off. Muggers looked North African. They dropped his suitcase, so I went down to retrieve it.

The robbery squad just came round my house to collect it.

Have now seen two muggings in London, despite the fact that I'm hardly ever here.

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KILLER FACT!
Wordsworth had no sense of smell.

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Thursday, September 02, 2004
 
KILLER FACT!
The Dutch are the tallest people on earth, the average Hollander now measuring six feet one. They are also, not coincidentally, the world’s largest consumers of dairy products.

And you know what they say about tall men? They are good at seeing over walls.

The world's fattest people are the Nauruans.

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HIS SIDES REMAINED UNSPLIT
We were talking about the twenty funniest Britons list a few days ago. Dead Men Left has more to say on the subject.

You can vote for your own funniest Britons in his comments section, if you have nothing more pressing to do.

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Wednesday, September 01, 2004
 
SKIMMED MILK MASQUERADES AS CREAM
Moved the Shakespeare post to killer-fact.com, to form the vanguard of the killer facts.

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KILLER FACT!
The nurse in Romeo and Juliet only had four teeth.

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YOU ARE MORE LIKELY TO DIE IN A CAR CRASH THAN BE EATEN BY A FOX
The way I see it is this. Everyone is human. Some people drink tea. Others prefer coffee. But that's no reason to go to war. War is such a, like, waste. But at least it gets you out in the open air, like hunting. Hunting, too, is a waste. Of foxes! But at least it gets you out in the open air. Like war!
War, war is stupid,
And foxes are stupid,
And hunting is such a, like, waste,
Of foxes.
But at least it gets you out in the open air. Did you realise that these days you are more likely to die in a car crash than be eaten by a fox? Kind of puts it in perspective, doesn't it? But if I was on my own in a dark house and a tribe of foxes smashed down the door to eat my family, I would shoot first, sir, and ask questions later. And damn the do-gooders to whom foxes are more important than a human life.

Letter to The Times:
Sir, The threat posed to human life by foxes is minimal. These days you are more likely to be crapped on by a parrot than be eaten by a fox. Kind of puts it into perspective, doesn't it? But if I were on my own in a lonely place and a tribe of slavering foxes came to bite my family and eat my chickens I would shoot first, and ask questions later. And damn and fuck the communists to whom foxes are more important than the family unit and happy chickens. They are cunts sir, they are cunts.
I am not very good with words, but what I am trying to say here is that you can't have family values and foxes. There is a trade-off. So what's it going to be, Mr Blair? Foxes, or your delightful family unit?

Everyone is human, even communists and foxes. But will there still be wars in the future? Let us pray.

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TWITTER



ECONOMICS AND POLITICS

Krugman's cat

I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point

The time I punched JK Galbraith

Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?

In Defence of John Prescott

Prescott 2



CELEBRITY NEWS

Jennifer Lopez has been shot!

Nicholas Cage is a tit

A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim

Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss

50 Cent almost too stupid to speak

Ooh, brain hurts

Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman

I'm so angreeee

Ben Affleck

The Magic of Snoop

Inane Dogg

Germaine Greer's gusset


MEANINGLESS HOAXES

Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan

Correspondence with Boris Johnsons

Ministry of Defence

Thames Valley Police

Meatloaf

British Airways- I'll show those fucks

Bank

The Polite Society

Is this a library or a bordello?

Rumsfeld

Israeli Embassy

My MP

The Scottish National Party

Garry Bushell

Letter to Gunsmith (1)

Greenspan

Richard Dawkins


TEACHING ENGLISH

Your child is an illiterate cabbage

Like a trouser, yet not a trouser

Why is life so wretched?

Stopping Hitler at Munich

The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk

Non-academic sub-adult clowning

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

No sane man cares about such things

Who, whom?

Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid

The Business English racket

Keith Richards' English level

The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth

Teaching English to cretins

This is a real pain in the arse

I hate teaching English


BRITAIN

I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps

Glue sniffers

Yorkshire Yahoos

The British public are deeply stupid

The UK's most successful ethnic group

Violent Britain

The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin

How much do you give a ponce?

Reflections on the British drunk

This septic isle

Thoughts on muggers

Do you want a punch in the mouth?

How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?

Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain

This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists

Many of my best friends are bishops

Britain's Unfunniest Comedian

Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole

Please go away


COLOMBIA

Shut your cake hole, you lunatic

I don't care about human rights that much

Why I don't take drugs

Someone is getting mugged

I am a victim of crime

That which does not kill you almost kills you

I don't know how much more I can take

Colombian girl santas

The hippos of Pablo Escobar


VENEZUELA

Dancing on the deck of the Titanic

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

The pros and cons of domestic violence

Life? Don't talk to me about life

The evil Castro cured my cough

Breast implants out of control

Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe

One of those parties that got out of hand

Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?

Don King has lots of good ideas

Chavezfest (1)

Chavezfest (2)


BLOGGERS

The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft

Pie attacks on Professor Krugman

Hooahs!

The Andrew Sullivan Hoax

Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.

If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you

Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time

Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test

The fearless Huffington

Sourpuss Malkin

Book!


THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR

How to say "Death to America!" in Arabic

How to say "Death to America!" in Farsi

If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

I am opposed to the hacking off of heads

Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective

Top ten warmongers

Islamic Banking

Knob heads

Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave

Another atrocity


NORTH KOREA

Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

Addio Amore, Addio Razza

If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat

Kim Il Sung's birthday!

Billy Graham in North Korea

North Korea job offer

The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear


SPORTS JOURNALISM

People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

Baseball is idiotic

I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting

World Cup diary


PALESTINE

Where to buy beer in Gaza

The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip

Someone threw a bomb in our garden

It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die

Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


AUSTRALIA

Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

Twisted gonads

Australians vs. camels

Off with the false whiskers

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation


LITERATURE

Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

It doesn't seem to make sense

Fisking the poet Keats


STUDENT WORK

Gaza

Brazil

Venezuela

Italy

Hong Kong

When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad



TRAVEL

Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

Trip to the Orinoco


TODD MATHERS

Personal injury lawyer

President Ahmajinadad


MISC

Live-blogging the plane crash

Prison survival tips

Suicide statistics

Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

David Irving

Arab Americans

If you like rock music you must be stupid

Quality of life index

A pogrom of quails

Krugman in Bogota

People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock

Rum

The Amis brothers

Haiku on another wasted year


BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS

The illusion of plenty

Diets


KILLER FACTS!

Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

Killer Fact! (Napoleon)

Killer Fact! (Brixton)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland)

Killer Fact! (Pakistan)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Brazil 2)

Killer Fact! (Colombia)

Killer Fact! (France)

Killer Fact! (British National Party)

Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)

Killer Fact! (Vietnam)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Ivory Coast)

Killer Fact! (Sweden)

Killer Fact! (Vegans)

Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)

Killer Fact! (Casanova)

Killer Fact! (James Bond)

Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)

Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)

Killer Fact! (Murder rates)

Killer Fact! (Strangling)

Killer Fact! (Buglaries)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland 2)

Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Evian)

Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)

Killer Fact! (Bollywood)

Killer Fact! (Australian women)

Killer Fact! (Costa Rica)

Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)

Killer Fact! (Jesuits)

Killer Fact! (Iceland)

Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)

Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)

Killer Fact! (North Korea)

Killer Fact! (Red Heads)

Killer Fact! (Death row)

Killer Fact! (Japan)

Killer Fact! (Thailand)

Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)

Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)

Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)

Killer Fact! (First English sentence)

Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)

Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)

Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)

Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)

Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)

Killer Fact! (Iraqi Jews)

Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)

Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)

Killer Fact! (India)

Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)

Killer Fact! (Tories)

Killer Fact! (Frogs)

Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)

Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)

Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)

(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)



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