Running away from dogs- the FUN way to fitness
Vibrating ab-belt changed my life
I was unamused by the kitten photos
Chat up line- guaranteed results!
My iPod is a glorified herd of cows
You are more likely to die in a car crash than be eaten by a fox
Which Spice Girl would you eat first?
Woman says her best friends are cats
They're making great strides in China
Buddha joke 2
It's not my real ladder- it's my step-ladder Hitchens bellows at students, sobs uncontrollably
Capricorn- beware of falling masonry King of the blogs competition! This training day is as welcome as a cockroach in my salad I'm in love with a wonderful helicopter
Man, that's what I call real coffee
The Campaign for Real Swearing
How would you like to get your hands on my dong?
This "election" in our revolted colonies is essentially a form of treason
Hitchens' double bluff irony impasse
(That last one from Decline and Fall.)
Hunting debate. Vote now!
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ECONOMICS AND POLITICS
I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point
The time I punched JK Galbraith
Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?
CELEBRITY NEWS
A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim
Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss
50 Cent almost too stupid to speak
Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman
MEANINGLESS HOAXES
Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan
Correspondence with Boris Johnsons
British Airways- I'll show those fucks
Is this a library or a bordello?
TEACHING ENGLISH
Your child is an illiterate cabbage
Like a trouser, yet not a trouser The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk
Non-academic sub-adult clowning
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
No sane man cares about such things
Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid
The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth
This is a real pain in the arse
BRITAIN
I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps
The British public are deeply stupid The UK's most successful ethnic group
The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin
Reflections on the British drunk
Do you want a punch in the mouth?
How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?
Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists
Many of my best friends are bishops
Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole
COLOMBIA
Shut your cake hole, you lunatic
I don't care about human rights that much
That which does not kill you almost kills you
I don't know how much more I can take
VENEZUELA
Dancing on the deck of the Titanic
You toucha my pies, I shoota you head
The pros and cons of domestic violence
Life? Don't talk to me about life
The evil Castro cured my cough
Breast implants out of control
Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe
One of those parties that got out of hand
Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?
Don King has lots of good ideas
BLOGGERS
The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft
Pie attacks on Professor Krugman Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.
If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time
Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test
THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR
If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung
I am opposed to the hacking off of heads
Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective
Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave
NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational
If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat
The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear
SPORTS JOURNALISM
People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea Please hit our fans with clubs
I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting
PALESTINE
The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip
Someone threw a bomb in our garden
It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die
Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers
AUSTRALIA
Is it wrong to execute Australians?
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
LITERATURE
Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table
STUDENT WORK
When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad TRAVEL
Christ were those peasants ugly
TODD MATHERS
MISC
Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French If you like rock music you must be stupid
People now idiots- TV to blame
Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock
BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS KILLER FACTS! Killer Fact! (Quality of life index) Killer Fact! (British National Party) Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup) Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)
Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)
Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)
Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)
Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)
Killer Fact! (Australian women)
Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)
Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)
Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)
Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)
Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)
Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)
Killer Fact! (First English sentence)
Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)
Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)
Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)
Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)
Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)
Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)
Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)
Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)
Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)
Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)
Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)
THE NAPOLEON OF PRANKS
It’s one o’clock in the morning and I am hog-whimpering drunk. Time for some prank phone calls, I think.
Gonna call my friend Bennett and say, “Wakey, wakey Bennett,” in a very taunting Scottish accent. It’s 5am in the UK: just picture his miserable face! When he starts swearing at me I’ll say, “I cannae talk noo, it’s expensive,” and hang up. Imagine his impotent rage as the line goes dead, and he stands there shivering in his underpants.
Ooh, my sides! It isn’t everyone who can come up with humour of such excellence. There have been times, you know, when I thought I was losing the old magic, but then I think of something like this. It’s a fucking gift.
KILLER FACT!
The TV series M*A*S*H went on for eleven years; eight years longer than the Korean War. Here you can read Bogol calling Alan Alda a "malevolent bloodsucking assclown".
My grandfather fought in Korea. I forget which side he was on.
CANADIAN A-HOLE AWARDS, 2005
This year’s winner was Mark Steyn, with 21% of the vote. He is now Canada’s Leading Asshole. And that’s official.
Myself, I’m a huge fan. As a Broadway critic he is second to none, and as a leaden humourist he never disappoints. But I would find it easier to take him seriously as an Islamophobe if he didn’t look like a big, bearded Hezbollah commander. 
Steyn Sheikh Nasrallah
MIRTH NOW TINGED WITH BURNING HATRED, UNFORTUNATELY
Hoyday, a joke!
It's a good one, isn't it? The first time I heard it I thought my trousers would never dry, though these days ones laughter is tinged with burning hatred.
I AM HIGHLY ALLERGIC TO BRITISH DRUNKS
"Do you look in the mirror after throwing up?" Interesting debate over at Emerald Bile.
Personally, no. I don’t need mirrors to tell me I look terrible. With bat-like ultrasonic squeaking I can bypass the optic nerves and "hear" my reflection in a plate of steak and chips. Sorry, I don’t know why I said that.
Nor do I throw up, except to celebrate the arrival of a new disease. I am highly allergic to British drunks, and don’t often go out when I am back home. Even when they are enjoying themselves there is an undercurrent of menace. You can be having a pleasant evening with friends, reeling around the town centre, chanting obscenely and vomiting into the gutters- when suddenly things turn nasty.
I have worked in Brazil, Colombia and the Gaza Strip, but the only place I have been that is more violent than England is Scotland. A Hamas member or Colombian guerrilla is much more amenable to reason than a British Chav with eight pints inside him.
KILLER FACT!
James Bond was half-Swiss.
Source: You Only Live Twice. M writes Bond’s obituary, believing him dead: "James Bond was born of a Scotch father, Andrew Bond of Glencoe, and a Swiss mother, Monique Delacroix..." Incidentally, 17% of Brummies believe that Ian Fleming discovered penicillin.
CANADIAN A-HOLE AWARDS: UPDATE!
It's down to a three horse race:Conrad Black (85)
All the rest nowhere. A couple more days and we’ll announce the winner.
Celine Dion (90)
Mark Steyn (85)
MORE ON THE WHO/WHOM CONTROVERSY
Simon writes:
"Harry I think you'll find there's a push to stop using "whom" at all... if I find the link I'll let you know."
Harry replies:
"Get stuffed. Who’s the fucking English teacher around here, me or you? Most Australians couldn't distinguish a subject pronoun, an object pronoun and a poke in the eye with a fucking lump of wood.
Actually that’s not fair. Australians are just as good as normal people. Sorry I yelled at you- it’s been a long day. Here, let me buy you a drink.
I love you, man."
A DIABOLICAL LIBERTY
This is bleeding monstrous. Why aren’t I on this list? I get more hits than that bloody Lenin. Does this guy have any idea who he is dealing with here? I could have him shot.
KILLER FACT!
In the American Revolutionary War 42% of war wounds were lethal. In WW2 the figure was 30%; and in the Iraq and Afghanistan it was 10%. Approximately the same number of US soldiers have been wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan as in the Revolutionary War, but the number killed is much lower due to improvements in trauma care.
Similarly, murder rates would be up to five times higher without the medical improvements of the past 40 years, according to the British Medical Journal. Since 1960 the British murder rate has more than doubled, but the amount of murderous violence has increased even more dramatically.
KILLER FACT!
Finns have the highest number of heart attacks, followed by Swedes, Norwegians and the Irish.
(Source: The Economist Pocket World in Figures.)
SACK, BURN THE TEMPLE
My Australian friend TonyT wants to know which operas to buy. (There is nothing Australians love more than a good opera.) More of a Snoop Dogg man myself, but if you think you can help please get in touch.
I bought a DVD of Nabucco the other day. It’s the usual story: boy meets girl; girl’s father attacks Jerusalem; Hebrews carted off to Babylon. "Sack, burn the temple," says the King of the Babylonians. "This cursed race shall be wiped from the earth." But first, let’s all have a sing-song.
I saw it in Hong Kong a couple of years ago. It was the Latvian National Opera, so I was watching Latvians, in China, pretending to be Jews in Babylon, and singing in Italian. Well that’s all right. I can take a joke.
Whatever you do, avoid the Sinopoli recording. Only a savage would listen to that.
BORING STORIES
"The spoken substitute for the exclamation mark is the adjective "surreal", generally accompanied by "totally". Every tale seems to end with the phrase, "it was, like, totally surreal", and the duller the tale, the more "toadly sureeyaw" it is said to have been."
Craig Brown, in The Daily Telegraph.
KILLER FACT!
The U.S. military bought at least 1,500,000,000 bullets last year, enough to shoot everyone in Iraq 58 times, and still have change for some Canadians.
CANADIAN ASSHOLE AWARDS 2005
Here are the candidates in the Canada’s Leading Asshole poll. You may vote up to once a day for the asshole of your choice.
A couple of these people I have never heard of, and I only have your word for it that they are assholes, or even Canadians. Despite being the world’s second largest country, they seem to be enviably asshole-free, compared to some of their neighbours. If this were Britain’s top a-hole you would be spoilt for choice; it would be a task just whittling it down to the top 100. You could field a pretty impressive team just from North London.
KILLER FACT!
Winston Churchill sent a note to the British Chiefs of Staff cautioning them against giving frivolous codenames to actions involving deadly peril. No wife or mother, he said, wanted to remember that her husband or son had died in an operation called "Bunnyhug" or "Ballyhoo".
On the other hand, if the Normandy landings had been called Gaylord, instead of Overlord, people might have felt more relaxed about it, instead of throwing up with fear.
Source: Armageddon by Max Hastings. (Hastings speaks with feeling on the subject: his own father fell at the Battle of Stripy Trousers.)
KILLER FACT!
The House of Commons spent 700 hours debating the hunting ban; 7 hours on the decision to invade Iraq.
I HAVE CLAP
So I'm sitting in a restaurant in the north of Bogota. The soup is cold, but then life can be cold, can't it? Some of my old students walk in, and ask what does I do. I eating the dinner, I tell them.
They want to learn English swear words. One of the girls asks, "How to say [in sex] when you have finished?" The correct answer, of course, is "I have come." How unpleasant of me, therefore, to tell her that it is "I have clap."*
She is going to Miami next month. If she meets an American boy she will say, "Yes, yes, I have clap!" just when he least expects it. Looking back on my life I would say that this is the achievement of which I am proudest.
*You could also say, "That's your lot, darling," or "Goal!"; but these were intermediate students, not the advanced class.
HERO
Hurrah! Teacher delivers two-punch knockdown to teenage student. If anyone knows which jail he's in, I want to send him fan mail.
The word "hero" is overused these days, often applied to people like firemen and police officers who are merely doing their jobs. This guy did more than his job. He is an example to us all.
UPDATE! I’m not joking. Suppose you teach in a London comprehensive. A kid is disruptive. You try to give him a detention, but he tells you to fuck off. What would you do? Either you expel him, in which case he will go about the town breaking into cars and stealing deer. Or you allow him to stay, in which case the other children will have their education ruined.
The third option, a vicious beating, would have seemed reasonable to every other generation, and seems reasonable to me. I consider that man a political prisoner.
CANADIAN ASSHOLE AWARDS- NOMINATIONS ARE OPEN!
We were talking about pathetic Canadians. But what about asshole Canadians? No even mentioned them.
Not having anything more pressing to, I’ve decided to organise a poll to determine Canada’s Leading Asshole. Going to assemble a list of prominent Canadian assholes then you, the ordinary man in the street, can vote for the asshole of your choice. But first I need you to send in some asshole candidates. Off the top of my head I can only think of Mark Steyn.
They have to be famous, or at least known, outside Canada. It can't just be some asshole you met while you were backpacking.
THE ROARING OF BEARS
Pathetic Canadians:Radio stations must play Canadian music at least 35 percent of the time. Strict rules determine what music is Canadian enough to fill the quota.
I once had a Canadian housemate. Instead of listening to music, like a normal person, she had tapes of Canadian nature sounds. She would sit in the lotus position with her eyes closed, and listen to the roaring of bears. A woeful lunatic.
MY SOUP, MY BUSINESS
Do not boil the soup, as this will impair its flavour. That's what they would have you believe.
Well, I don't give a fuck. I don't care if the flavour is impaired. When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. Why do you always have to be poking your nose in?
KILLER FACT!
In 2004 the works of Snoop Dogg outsold the works of Professor Roger Scruton for the 11th year running.
Verily, the yahoos are coming home to roost.
WEEKEND LINKS
-Ball Bag and Noreen tackle the question on everyone’s lips: should jugglers be shot?
-Very good piece about ID cards: I will not register for, carry or otherwise participate in any national identity card system, regardless of the consequences.
Right-wing or left-wing, if your reflexes are sound the very idea of these things should make you want to vomit with rage and hatred. I would forbid my daughter to marry a man if that man were in favour of a compulsory ID card scheme, if I had a daughter.
-And you won't want to miss Bogol's nihgt of terer.
STRONG CORRELATION BETWEEN ANGLOPHILIA AND LUNACY
"I’m a committed Anglophile," writes tooled up, burglar-shooting Huguenot-Texan Kim du Toit. "I love Brit beer, Brit food, Brit weather, and Brits in general."
I’m sure he’s a nice chap, but it is my experience of life that there is a strong correlation between Anglophilia and being a nutter, especially when their Anglophilia has survived an actual visit to the UK.
Consider Dr Hastings Banda, former dictator of Malawi, showing up at Royal Ascot dressed like Bertie Wooster, and opening an Eton-in-the-bush (compulsory Latin and Greek) back in Malawi; consider Mohammed Fayed poncing around in his castle, and solemnly putting the arms of the Ross Clan on his gates; think of Madonna trying to get her kid into Cheltenham Ladies College. I could go on.
Anglophobes, on the other hand, seem to be sensible, well-adjusted individuals, give or take Mugabe, Joe Kennedy and that gap-toothed lunatic from The Pogues.
Killer Fact! The world's most Anglophile country is Nigeria. 
Hastings Banda with a mystery woman.
THE STATE OF MY HOOP, BY VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Dick Cheney's "State Of The Hoop Address", 2005:My fellow Americans, I understand it has come to some of your attentions that I suffer from haemorrhoids. This is a common complaint, which many suffer from at some point in their lives, and I do not feel that my Chalfonts are a fit subject for levity, or for sneers.
My anus is a private matter, and I would ask you to remember that and respect its privacy. Thank you, and may God Bless America, and my hoop.
I HAD TO ADMIT THAT THEIR AMBUSH WAS A GOOD ONE, EVEN AS THEY WERE SOCKING ME IN THE MOUTH
Atrios says he never gets death threats. What a loser. I used to get death threats when I lived in Italy, but I never let it bother me. I just ignored them.
Mind you, they got me. I was walking to get the last train when I blundered into the most beautifully laid ambush I ever hope to blunder into. They hid behind a car then jumped out and punched me in the head. I had to admire the execution of the thing, even as I was being socked in the mouth.
The swines caught me off guard, so unfortunately I fluffed my line. I had been planning to say, "Not in the face- I'm making a picture." I'd been saving up this wisecrack for years in the hope of being attacked, but in all the blood and confusion I completely messed up the timing.
Oh, well. There'll be other fights.
AMERICAN WOMEN ARE A PAIN IN THE ARSE
This White House press person, though a Republican, turns out to be a steaming great homosexual. Nothing wrong with that, of course; many of my best friends are Republicans. But now they're making a scandal out of it. His domain names include:Conservative-guy.com
Exposejessejackson.com
Hotmilitarystud.com
Militaryescorts.com
So what? He decided that the gay way is the best way, and I don’t blame him. If I lived in the States I think I might give it a try. American women are a pain in the arse. I went out with one once. She kept going on about how she had "goals". It was a nightmare.
KILLER FACT!
One in every eight pounds spent in British shops is spent in Tesco. The bad news is that they use their loyalty cards to spy on us, and inform the police of our movements.
"When even the Grocer is turned Informer, fair Libertie she is bugg’red." (Locke?)
LET'S GO TO THE STONING
"There you have the two extremes of the Muslim world and the West: the burqa or the thong. Take off your clothes, you're stoned. Keep them on, and you forfeit your pension contributions."
Lileks in the Washington Times. The thing about pension contributions turned out not to be true, but he's on the right lines. Should have read:"There you have the two extremes of the Muslim world and the West: In the Muslim world people get stoned when they take their clothes off; in the West people take their clothes off when they get stoned."
This is what the Great Big Clash of Civilizations is all about.
THINKING ABOUT CHINS
A girl just phoned and told me that Ben Affleck has a beautiful chin. I’d never really given it much thought but, do you know, I think she’s onto something. It’s a masterpiece, a real Aston Martin of a chin. And you have to admire the functional way it separates his neck from his teeth.
I wouldn’t normally discuss Ben Affleck or chins, but she raised the subject. I had a good upbringing so I couldn’t just say, "Shut it, you whore."
CAMP BUCCA MUD WRESTLING
You filthy animals! I’ve had hundreds of Google hits for Camp Bucca Mud Wrestling following this story. You people ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Do you really want to look at grown women rolling around in mud?
Of course you do, and Hutton provides. Here are some MIT girls grappling themselves into a debauched frenzy. And there’s plenty more where that came from. This is just the start.
THE ILLUSION OF PLENTY
I've discovered a great new joke. My housemate has a balcony attached to her room, and she likes to sit there studying on the hot nights. I can sneak onto it from the kitchen and scream "Wagh!" at her. She yells and leaps about three feet in the air in terror. It really is most amusing, as I'm sure you can imagine. I do evening classes at the school, so I often get back at 10.30. She doesn't hear me come in and thinks she's alone in the house when I sneak up and bang two saucepans together. Ha, ha, the stupid bitch nearly jumps out of her skin!
There are two of these girls, both from São Paulo. They were free, and came with the flat. To a scientist, of course, one Brazilian girl is much like another, but they come in twos to create the illusion of plenty.
Posted by Barry Hutton.
THE ROBBERY THAT WENT WRONG
Scene 1 (a van outside the bank)
-Here we all are. Are you ready?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Almost. I’m just cleaning my teeth. [Gargles with mouthwash.]
-OK. Put your masks on, and get your guns out. And don’t forget the sandwiches.
Scene 2 (the bank)
-Hands up, this is a robbery! You, lie on the floor! Would anyone like a sandwich?
-Don't kill me, don’t kill me. I have infants.
-Hand over the gold! Touch that alarm and I blows off with your heads, you animals.
-Relax, you pirates; here are some groats.
-Freeze! Police! Everybody dance!
[Music: Everybody Dance Now by C+C Music Factory. The End.]
Based on a true story. Screenplay by Colin Tarantino, Quentin's less distinguished brother, with learning difficulties.
A ROLEX, THOUGH UGLY, WILL PAY FOR ITSELF IN QUIM
Rolexes are very ugly, strictly for moneyed yobs. To me a Rolex is the kind of thing Snoop Dogg buys for his rottweiler. If you admire Mr Dogg's aesthetic sense that is up to you, I have nothing to say; but why not go the whole hog and get some snakeskin shoes and a solid gold pig? Don King, Jennifer Lopez, Chris Evans*, Mike Tyson: these are the kind of people who wear Rolexes.
You can buy a watch from Tesco just as accurate as a Rolex: quartz vibrates the same however it is encased. It will look okay, and it will cost you ten pounds. The rest you can give to the poor or whatever.
But if you live in Asia I recommend as tasteless as a Rolex as the purse can buy, with as many diamonds as poss. It will pay for itself in quim several times over, conspicuous consumption being the hallmark of immature capitalism. The downside is that you will look like a boxing promoter. 
Snoop Dogg enjoys a night out with friends. I admire the understated way he keeps his bitches on dog leads.
*Prosperous oaf, minor celebrity in the United Kingdom. Form of national toothache.
IT'S A REAL PAIN IN THE ARSE
A fax arrives, addressed to "Teacher Hary, Profesor of Ingles."
"Hello Hary," it says, "How you are?", then asks if I can check some translation he has done. "Does know new number you that connecting the Metise," it begins. I spent a couple of minutes frowning at this document, then decided to punch him in the face when I next see him.
People send me this crap in the belief that I can just glance through it, when in fact you could spend the whole afternoon staring at it without understanding more than a couple of phrases, like some gothic scroll. It's a real pain in the arse.
TRAFFIC- 160,000 PER DAY, MOSTLY FOOLS
This thing Max linked to was so preposterously dull I'm impressed he even got to the end of it. Never have I read such tosh. Orwell’s phrase "slightly pernicious nonsense" often comes to mind when trying to read the Instapundit:"...this utterly wasted life – a life of sitting almost continuously in a stuffy room and covering acres of paper with slightly pernicious nonsense..." (He was talking about Edgar Wallace.)
To post a new link every five minutes is highly impressive, but to do so every day for four years is the behaviour of an a-hole.
EMERALD BILE
This is by a huge margin the best blog I have ever read. It’s by my old school friend, Ball Bag. He stopped commenting on this site about a week ago, arguing that the other people who leave comments are all wankers, including me, and that everything he said got "buried under a tsunami of shite".
Anyway, here he is.
I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WITH FUNCTIONING TESTES
Lenin emails:"...I happen to think he [Bill O'Reilly] fully deserves the cheap laughter since he's such a loathsome swine."
We can all agree that O'Reilly is an asshat, or the word has no meaning. But I wasn't really defending him: I was defending myself, and everyone with a functioning pair of testes; for if ever the day comes when we can be brought down by minor sexual peccadilloes then we are all in trouble.
In a case like this I automatically side with O'Reilly, not because I approve of him -I do not- but because I am on the Man's Team.
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