I WOULD NOT ENJOY THAT ONE LITTLE BIT
Norwegian woman sentenced to nine months in prison... convicted of raping a man... testified that he woke up because the woman was performing oral sex on him.This man has come in for a lot of criticism. Sure, had it been me on the receiving end of that blow job, I would probably have been prepared to overlook it. I might even have tipped her half a sovereign.
But have you thought through all the implications of this? The fact that you, personally, happen to approve of blow jobs from Scandinavian women has nothing to do with it. What if it was Elton John going down on you? Or what if you woke to find Dennis Rodman, in a dress, buggering you?
I would not enjoy that one little bit.
UPDATE! Been trying to think of a logical way that one could uphold and defend the unsolicited blow job, while condemning the Rodman buggering. It’s a moral maze, I tell you.
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ECONOMICS AND POLITICS
I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point
The time I punched JK Galbraith
Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?
CELEBRITY NEWS
A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim
Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss
50 Cent almost too stupid to speak
Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman
MEANINGLESS HOAXES
Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan
Correspondence with Boris Johnsons
British Airways- I'll show those fucks
Is this a library or a bordello?
TEACHING ENGLISH
Your child is an illiterate cabbage
Like a trouser, yet not a trouser The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk
Non-academic sub-adult clowning
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
No sane man cares about such things
Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid
The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth
This is a real pain in the arse
BRITAIN
I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps
The British public are deeply stupid The UK's most successful ethnic group
The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin
Reflections on the British drunk
Do you want a punch in the mouth?
How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?
Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists
Many of my best friends are bishops
Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole
COLOMBIA
Shut your cake hole, you lunatic
I don't care about human rights that much
That which does not kill you almost kills you
I don't know how much more I can take
VENEZUELA
Dancing on the deck of the Titanic
You toucha my pies, I shoota you head
The pros and cons of domestic violence
Life? Don't talk to me about life
The evil Castro cured my cough
Breast implants out of control
Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe
One of those parties that got out of hand
Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?
Don King has lots of good ideas
BLOGGERS
The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft
Pie attacks on Professor Krugman Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.
If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time
Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test
THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR
If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung
I am opposed to the hacking off of heads
Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective
Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave
NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational
If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat
The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear
SPORTS JOURNALISM
People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea Please hit our fans with clubs
I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting
PALESTINE
The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip
Someone threw a bomb in our garden
It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die
Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers
AUSTRALIA
Is it wrong to execute Australians?
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
LITERATURE
Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table
STUDENT WORK
When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad TRAVEL
Christ were those peasants ugly
TODD MATHERS
MISC
Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French If you like rock music you must be stupid
People now idiots- TV to blame
Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock
BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS KILLER FACTS! Killer Fact! (Quality of life index) Killer Fact! (British National Party) Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup) Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)
Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)
Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)
Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)
Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)
Killer Fact! (Australian women)
Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)
Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)
Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)
Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)
Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)
Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)
Killer Fact! (First English sentence)
Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)
Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)
Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)
Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)
Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)
Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)
Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)
Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)
Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)
Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)
Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)
INTERIOR DESIGN
Guess where this is?
Believe it or kiss my sharries, but it’s a hostel for demobilised guerrillas in Bogotá. Don't know what the thinking behind it was.
KILLER FACT!
The Magistrate is discussing whether crime has risen. Hell, yeah. Even football sendings-off have increased 3,658 per cent.
The young people, they have no religion, and the yahoos are coming home to roost.
GUESS THE REACTIONARY
"I'm an old-fashioned conservative. I listen to classical music, but little from after the 1930s and mostly from long before."
Clue: except in his musical tastes, he’s the world’s most left-wing human.
Answer here.
PLAYING HARD TO GET
Condoleezza Rice is in Bogotá. She still hasn’t called.
Not sure if I should make the first move. As the Beatles put it, it is a fool who plays it cool. On the other hand, look at the women they ended up with. The Beatles were never that good, anyway, but you won’t be able to say that while the narcissistic baby boomers maintain their death grip on the airwaves, and the nation. The Beatles are not merely awful, I would consider it sacrilegious to say anything less than that they are godawful. They are so unbelievably horrible, so appallingly unmusical, so dogmatically insensitive to the magic of the art, that they qualify as crowned heads of anti-music, even as the impostor popes went down in history as "anti-popes". (William F. Buckley)
Why won’t she call me?
KILLER FACT!
In 2003 nearly half a million British tourists visited Thailand: 314,000 men and 175,000 women (a gap of 28%). The gender disparity was even greater among French tourists (32%), Americans (32%) and the Japanese (35%). There was hardly any male / female disparity among visitors from Finland and Sweden.
The other tourist destination with this kind of gap is Cuba (11% more men than women).
IF I WERE HIS MOTHER, I WOULD HAVE HIM TAKEN OUTSIDE AND SHOT
Just caught an interview with rapper 50 Cent, as he is known to his fans (his real name is Miles Scaife-Dingethorpe). A fascinating young man, though unfortunately almost too stupid to speak. He reminded me of some of my less proficient students. "The music business is really the business of selling music," he argued, "so I do what I do."
Music? The oaf wouldnt know the difference between a crotchet, a quaver, and a bash in the chops with a bassoon. I would like to dig up Ludwig van, or one of those boys, and introduce them. "This is how we do music now, Ludo. You spent a year studying with Haydn in Vienna; this guy spent two years in jail for armed robbery and dealing crack. Not only can he not read music, he cannot read at all; indeed, he can barely even speak. And yet he thrives."
"Vas?"
He made more than $50 million last year. Well he wouldn't be doing so well if I were in charge. I would have him taken outside and shot.
UPDATE! I am not talking about all rappers. There are many I admire. Ice T, for example, was at the Salzburg Conservatory under Otto von Schnitzengruber, where he studied harmony, counterpoint, choral fugues and mixing.
 
50 Cent Ludwig van
ANZAC DAY
In Australia they are commemorating ANZAC day. More than 8,000 Australians lost their lives in the Gallipoli campaign. We must never forget their sacrifice.
On the other hand, what’s it to them if the Kaiser wants to invade Belgium? Why do they always have to be poking their noses in?
SHAKESPEARE LOOKED LIKE SHIT
People say that today is Shakespeare's birthday, though there's no way of knowing. He was baptised on 26th April 1564, then in 1582 we have the marriage licence record of "wm Shaxpere" and "Anna whateley." Between these dates not a single fact is known about him, but that doesn't stop people writing books with titles like Shakespeare The Youth, books that weigh more than dogs, several hundred pages long.
The day after the marriage licence record was the marriage licence bond, for "willm Shagspere and Anne hathwey." Above the entrance to the saloon bar there is a picture of Shakespeare on the swinging sign. It is the same picture of Shakespeare that I remember from schooldays, when I frowned over Timon of Athens and The Merchant of Venice. Haven't they got a better one? Did he really look like that all the time? You'd have thought that by now his publicity people would have come up with something a little more attractive. The beaked and bum-fluffed upper lip, the oafish swelling of the jawline, the granny's rockpool eyes. And that rug? Isn't it a killer? I have always derived great comfort from William Shakespeare. After a depressing visit to the mirror or an unkind word from a girlfriend or an incredulous stare in the street, I say to myself: "Well. Shakespeare looked like shit." It works wonders.
(From Money, by Martin Amis)
THE GOOD NEWS FROM COLOMBIA (2)
Sales of armoured cars are down 47% since 2002.
This guy is a Bogota tailor who makes bullet-proof raincoats, suits, etc., all made-to-measure. His Colombia sales have plunged, now that the security situation has improved, though exports are booming (to Iraq, US gang members, British school teachers, etc.) An armoured T-shirt costs $500. You can also get bullet-proof shorts, able to withstand a Communist rocket attack.
WHAT THE WELL-DRESSED MAN IS WEARING
Got a job interview in a minute, but I don't have a tie. Not to worry overmuch: this is the tie capital of the world. What's fashionable these days?
If you want to teach English, ties are not necessary. Standards are so low, and the demand for English courses so enormous, that you could turn up wearing an old Mac with your penis exposed, and they'd still give you the job. Tip from me: you'll probably be needing a tie in about the fourth year of your career, when you get promoted to Senior Teacher, or decide to cut your losses and hang yourself.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU'RE MUGGED
Going to Caracas tomorrow. Got some bidnis to take care of. (Job interview. Gonna be a tree surgeon.)
Crime’s up, they say. Here's Chavez, for example, looting a shop.
When I was last there the Embassy sent a thing advising us to set aside a few dollars for robbers. The trouble with this is that if the money is in my pocket it will tend to get spent, and you can imagine how humiliating it would be to get mugged when you are actually poorer than the man who is mugging you. I'd be so embarrassed. And if someone goes to all the trouble of organising a robbery, only to discover that the proceeds won't even pay for a cheese roll, he might just shoot you in a fit of pique.
The solution is to take something else to give them, a small gift such as a box of cigars, or tickets to see Cats. "I don't have any money, you bandits, but please accept this porcelain badger as a token of my esteem."
KILLER FACT!
Tried to find some Papal Killer Facts for you, but they’re mostly pretty dull. The best I could come up with was that the Pope’s licence plate is SCV 1. Who gives a toss, right? So I give you this Killer Quote: 'Supposing the Pope looked up and saw a cloud and said "It's going to rain," would that be bound to happen?' 'Oh, yes, Father.' 'But supposing it didn't?' He thought a moment and said, 'I suppose it would be sort of raining spiritually, only we were too sinful to see it.' (Brideshead Revisited).
*Stands for Stato della Citta del Vaticano, and number 1 because he’s the top dog, the head cheese.
KILLER FACT!
Anncoulter.com is number 2 on Google for "Ladies and girls showing it all." I’m at number 13. We're totally wasting everyone’s time, Ann and I.
I WIN, YOU LOSE
Bogol is being taxed by Massachusetts. Good. That will wipe the smile off his face.
I’m 32, and I paid tax for the first time in my life last year, to the Hong Kong government. All the other places I worked were too anarchic to collect it, or even ask for it. And in Gaza you couldn’t pay tax even if you wanted to, there being no government, or law of any kind. All they’ve got there is armed bands.
In Hong Kong the tax bill always comes to, like, the price of a handjob. (I’m talking about a mid-range handjob, in Wan Chai.) Even billionaires only pay 17%, though I think it might have gone up to 20% by now. Either way, it’s a big fat joke.
So I laugh at you. I really do.
UPDATE
What do I do with the money I saved by not paying my taxes? It’s no good just having money; it’s a question of what one does with it. I pile it all up the bathtub, and roll around in it, howling with laughter.
I was going to give it to the poor, but then I thought fuck it.
UPDATE II
I don’t come out of this post terribly well, do I?
KILLER FACT!
Gone With The Wind is the highest-grossing film in history, adjusted for inflation. It’s rubbish. "After an eternity of it, they fell into the embrace, and I was just reaching for my hat when damned if they didn’t start a whole new story". (P.G. Wodehouse.)
MY FIRST MILITARY COUP
Today is the third anniversary of Hugo Chavez’ return to power in his "counter-counter revolution". (They are now gearing up for a record-breaking counter-counter-counter revolution.) I was in Caracas when it happened, but was too busy looting to take much part in events. Scored some kitchen utensils and a pot of sour cream.
This is the only sensible account of it I have found, in English.
MORONS
"People with tattoos must be morons," writes Tony T. Morons? I have There Will Always Be An England tattooed on my head, and I object very strongly to what you said. "A surprisingly large number of auto-tattooists choose for the exercise of their dermatographical art the chief motto of British service industries, namely FUCK OFF. Why anyone should want these words indelibly imprinted in his skin is a mystery whose meaning I have not yet penetrated, though my researches continue, but I recall a patient who had the two words tattooed in mirror writing upon his forehead, no doubt that he might read them in the bathroom mirror every morning and be reminded of the vanity of earthly concerns." (Theodore Dalrymple)
When I was a student I got drunk one night, and when I woke up (in a field) I had some Mrs Thatcher quotations tattooed on my arse: "I was asked whether I was trying to restore Victorian values. I said straight out I was. And I am."
Still not sure how they got there, but they’re quite inspiring so I thought I might as well leave them. Should stand me in good stead if I get sent to prison.
KILLER FACT!
The average height of the Japanese has increased by nearly five inches since 1945. There is a very strong negative correlation between height, and sticking matchsticks under our grandparents' fingernails.
(From the Times Literary Supplement.)
CONDI 2008, A LOVE POEM
To me, the President's a schmuck,
You're the one I'd like to
Vote for; if only you would run.
You're hotter than a bowl of chile,
I'd like to let you hold my
Hand, and wander by the river.
The journalists they laugh and mock,
O do not spurn my throbbing
Heart; why won't you notice me?
They laugh at you, but I don't mind,
I want to take you from
All this, to somewhere far away.
They say you're wrong about Iraq;
I'd love to get you in the
Oval Office, and keep you close to me.
Each day the terrorists you hunt;
O how I long to fill your
Ears, with vows of deepest love.
Unlike the others you have class,
And unlike them a shapely
Figure; and unlike them a smile.
I'll love you till I lose my wits,
Your beauty and your massive
Achievements; I'll always be your fan.
KILLER FACT!
Álvaro Uribe, the Colombian President, survived 15 assassination attempts before he was even elected.
BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE
I paid my first ever bribe today ($20). I'd love to tell you about it, but a spotty youth is trying to shut this internet cafe and throw me out. Maybe I'll offer him a bribe, too. That seems to be how things work around here.
Here you go, son. Here's twenty pence. Get yourself a bird. There's plenty more where that came from.
Didn't work. The guy's obviously incorruptible. I'll see you in the morning.
MY NUTS ARE LIKE PIKELETS
Brrrr. Freezing cold. Don’t know the Spanish for, "My nuts are like pikelets".* Must look it up.
Went to see the Indians today, to learn about their traditional culture of living in huts and having a bad time. They chew coca for the altitude, but it doesn’t seem to cheer them up much. They were even more miserable than the employees of Lloyds Bank, if that is possible. When I tried it my mouth went numb, but otherwise nothing. They say it is now available in an easy-to-inhale powder.
Three Peruvians were arrested yesterday for trying to sell 25 kilos of what turned out to be white sand to some Chileans. You can’t trust anyone these days. In other news: all over South America there is a panic about false dollars. In Peru the banks stopped accepting them, but continued to sell them to their customers. It said in the newspaper that 43% of the world’s false dollars originate in Colombia, though these ones apparently came from Pakistan.
*From the film Two Hands.
PHUKET AIR- A POOR ALTERNATIVE TO THE HORSE
Passengers screamed for their lives."You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaagghhhh!" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in." (Tommy Cooper)
KILLER FACT!
The Atacama desert in Chile is the driest place on earth. There are parts where rainfall has never been recorded.
That's where I am now. Fortunately, my hotel room has a minibar. For me, a holiday isn't really a holiday if one is forced to drink one's own piss to survive.
KILLER FACT!
There were 42 murders at this year's carnival in Recife, more than the Chelsea Flower Show and Henley Regatta combined.
IF YOU LIKE ROCK MUSIC, YOU MUST BE STUPID
A new blog has started, called "Sex, Drugs and Rock n' Roll." Sex and drugs? This is a common misconception. In real life, the two things don't go together at all well. You can have one or the other, but trying to mix them is a disaster.
Rock music is written for and marketed at teenagers, and if you are still listening to it in your thirties you must be stupid. But as far as sex goes, it is neutral. It doesn't do any harm, but it doesn't help much either. I generally get her warmed up with military band marches; and I have a CD of some retarded kids banging on dustbins that I sometimes play, to create the impression that I am sensitive.
But once you have got her into bed, having fooled her into thinking that you are a nice person, what music should you put on? There is no right answer; it depends on one's personal sack technique. I find that German oompah music usually hits the spot.
All I can say is, they always come back for more.
(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)
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