Running away from dogs- the FUN way to fitness
Vibrating ab-belt changed my life
I was unamused by the kitten photos
Chat up line- guaranteed results!
My iPod is a glorified herd of cows
You are more likely to die in a car crash than be eaten by a fox
Which Spice Girl would you eat first?
Woman says her best friends are cats
They're making great strides in China
Buddha joke 2
It's not my real ladder- it's my step-ladder Hitchens bellows at students, sobs uncontrollably
Capricorn- beware of falling masonry King of the blogs competition! This training day is as welcome as a cockroach in my salad I'm in love with a wonderful helicopter
Man, that's what I call real coffee
The Campaign for Real Swearing
How would you like to get your hands on my dong?
This "election" in our revolted colonies is essentially a form of treason
Hitchens' double bluff irony impasse
(That last one from Decline and Fall.)
Hunting debate. Vote now!
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WE CAME HERE TO LEARN ENGLISH, NOT PRANCE AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF KANSAS CITY FAGGOTS
If you showed this to an ordinary person he would say, "What, in the name of Beelzebub...?" But show it to an English teacher and he would say, "Ah yes. The audio-lingual method."
This kind of nonsense is completely standard in the TEFL racket.
via Dog Bones
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ECONOMICS AND POLITICS
I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point
The time I punched JK Galbraith
Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?
CELEBRITY NEWS
A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim
Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss
50 Cent almost too stupid to speak
Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman
MEANINGLESS HOAXES
Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan
Correspondence with Boris Johnsons
British Airways- I'll show those fucks
Is this a library or a bordello?
TEACHING ENGLISH
Your child is an illiterate cabbage
Like a trouser, yet not a trouser The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk
Non-academic sub-adult clowning
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
No sane man cares about such things
Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid
The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth
This is a real pain in the arse
BRITAIN
I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps
The British public are deeply stupid The UK's most successful ethnic group
The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin
Reflections on the British drunk
Do you want a punch in the mouth?
How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?
Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists
Many of my best friends are bishops
Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole
COLOMBIA
Shut your cake hole, you lunatic
I don't care about human rights that much
That which does not kill you almost kills you
I don't know how much more I can take
VENEZUELA
Dancing on the deck of the Titanic
You toucha my pies, I shoota you head
The pros and cons of domestic violence
Life? Don't talk to me about life
The evil Castro cured my cough
Breast implants out of control
Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe
One of those parties that got out of hand
Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?
Don King has lots of good ideas
BLOGGERS
The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft
Pie attacks on Professor Krugman Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.
If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time
Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test
THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR
If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung
I am opposed to the hacking off of heads
Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective
Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave
NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational
If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat
The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear
SPORTS JOURNALISM
People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea Please hit our fans with clubs
I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting
PALESTINE
The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip
Someone threw a bomb in our garden
It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die
Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers
AUSTRALIA
Is it wrong to execute Australians?
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
LITERATURE
Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table
STUDENT WORK
When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad TRAVEL
Christ were those peasants ugly
TODD MATHERS
MISC
Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French If you like rock music you must be stupid
People now idiots- TV to blame
Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock
BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS KILLER FACTS! Killer Fact! (Quality of life index) Killer Fact! (British National Party) Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup) Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)
Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)
Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)
Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)
Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)
Killer Fact! (Australian women)
Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)
Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)
Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)
Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)
Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)
Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)
Killer Fact! (First English sentence)
Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)
Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)
Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)
Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)
Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)
Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)
Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)
Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)
Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)
Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)
Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)
KNOB-HEADS
The Send A Pizza To An Israeli Soldier campaign has been a victim of its own success. The soldier in question has already received more than 20,000 pizzas and is suffering from cholesterol poisoning.
What kind of knob-head sends pizzas to the Israeli Army?
UPDATE! Someone told me that the pizza idea is funny because it will “irritate the lefties”. Well all right, but in that case why not send pizzas to the Republican Party or the board of British Petroleum? And surely there are more irritating things than a pizza. You could ring on a lefty’s doorbell and run away tittering, for example. Or hurl Milton Friedman's Monetary History Of The United States through his window, tied to a brick. Or cut though all the red tape and simply punch him on the nose.
Sending baked bread covered in cheese and tomatoes* to the Levant is going about it the long way, it seems to me.
*with optional toppings
DEATH HATH SO MANY DOORS...
"Christopher Hitchens will be executed at 12.00 noon GMT on 20 July."
The most chilling words I have ever read. It doesn't say whether he was to be shot, strangled, knifed or bludgeoned: death hath so many doors to let out life. On the other hand, he could also be garrotted, poisoned or thrown off a building. This last one has the advantage that it could be made to look like an accident, and if I were going to assassinate Hitchens that would probably be my method.
Or I might just let out a great bellow and charge at him with one of those Chinese meat cleavers. Yaarrrghh! That would wipe the smile off his face.
Though obviously I hope and pray this never happens. 
Hitchens. Even as we speak he could be being shot, strangled, knifed, bludgeoned, poisoned, garrotted...
AMONG THE GITS
“I’m a Management Consultant,” said this git I spoke with on the phone just now. He sounded pleased with himself. Then I got transferred to a different git who claimed to be a “Systems Development Manager”, or something equally foul.
What does a Management Consultant look like? These must be the people you see going into offices, and getting on and off trains. But does anyone really know what they are up to? What if -and this is the nightmare scenario- their leader suddenly gives a signal, and they all come running out of their offices, zapping us with ray guns? They give me the heebie jeebies.
Apart from nurses and the Fire Brigade, the only people in the country who still do anything useful are the staff of Tesco. If it weren’t for them we’d have to kill our own food, if you think about it. 
WEB OF WEASELS
When I was a child they wouldn't let us have a car so I never did learn to drive until I was older. That was the dark days when I had nowhere to stay. I slept in an old windmill for a while but they came and burnt it down one night so I had to hightail it out of there before they got me surrounded.
Arlington’s a genius. Everyone else on the internet makes me sick.
And so I arrived in the city with nothing but my dreams and a 38.
Toadies, rogues, poltroons, sheep-biters, louts, weasels...
KILLER FACT!
Serbia grows a third of the world’s raspberries*.
*A popular deciduous fruit prized for its fresh, fruity and bright red color. Not technically a berry.
STINKING YANKEE NARCISSISTS
Today is Colombian Independence day. I was talking to a guy at the airport the other day who told me the US is creating a quagmire in Colombia, as if the Colombians weren’t perfectly capable of organising their own quagmires. They’ve been having a quagmire ever since they got independence from Spain, and I resent the way these Americans try to claim the credit for everything.
Republicans claim the credit for everything good that happens, such as last year's Cedar Revolution, while Democrats claim the credit for everything bad, like the coup in Venezuela. The idea that the Lebanese and the Venezuelans might have had anything to do with it doesn’t compute.
Znet has 2240 articles about Colombia. Virtually all of them mention the US in the first paragraph; but try to find one that mentions an actual Colombian, an actual inhabitant of this Land of Quagmires. Yet surely the Colombians must have at least some role in their own civil war, however much the Americans stick their noses in.
I have come to the conclusion that no one really gives a toss about any of the countries down here, except as a way to keep talking about their big obsession, which is the United States.
NOTHING BUT ROGUERY IN VILLAINOUS MAN
Also of interest: True.com, "the only dating site that screens for felons and married people."
It's a wicked world, isn't it? 
Add to cart
THE SKELETONS IN CLOSETS ARE THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG
"DontDateHimGirl.com, a controversial new website that lets women publicly out the men who cheat on them to avoid the heartache of dating the cad."
The skeletons in closets are coming home to roost! (Tom Stoppard.) All it takes is a few clicks, and some vindictive heifer you went out with during the Major administration can log in and expose you as a first-class swine.
This website represents the thin end of a very large wedge. I’ll probably get off lighter than most, since I have always tried to steer clear of women who speak English. But those of you who laughed at the misfortunes of Bill O’Reilly and poor Rod Liddle are going to get your comeuppance big time.
UPDATE!
Arrgh! Spoke too soon.
I HAVE NO NEED OF SUCH PRODUCTS
Any med for your girl to be happy!
Nine-tenths of the emails I get seem to be for dick-stiffening remedies. Is that about normal, or have I been singled out in some way?
Best love dr@gs!
Become a champion in bed!
I have no need of such products. And if I did, in South America you can buy this stuff called Sildenafil over the counter, which gives you the most monstrous diamond-cutter erections you could ever wish to see. Alternatively, it neutralises half a bottle of rum and allows one to sustain a perfectly adequate, if undistinguished, dong; one that, while it won’t win any awards, makes up in durability what it lacks as a prize marrow. (Side-effects include vomiting, blackouts and dementia.)
$3 a pop- cheap! Though, as I say, I have no need of such products. I would like to make that clear.
BEFORE
AFTER
THE LAND OF THE FREAK, AND THE HOME OF THE DEPRAVED
In the US of States more people watched a hot dog eating contest than the country’s first World Cup match. What a fine country. I think I might emigrate there.
Eating hot dogs is a sport rich in tactics and gamesmanship. It’s a battle of wits. It isn’t just a bunch of fatsos cramming sausages into their faces in a frenzy of gluttony, until the veins in their heads burst out. And even if it is, it’s still more interesting than, say, England vs. Ecuador.
Eric Booker, a 425-pound fat knacker from Long Island, holds eating records for pies and matzo balls. Where’s your Wayne Rooney now? 
Sonya Thomas ate 65 boiled eggs in 6 minutes and 40 seconds. Her next bowel movement is scheduled for around the time of the next World Cup.
VALE OF TEARS
"Everybody’s been cheating and getting away with it," whines Rod Liddle.
Indeed. I caught some of the game yesterday, and the Portuguese were cheating toads. This man here, for instance, is blatantly trying to headbutt the ball, instead of kicking it with his boot like a Christian. 
The referee missed it, and I turned over to Animal Planet in disgust. On the day that England lost to the mighty Portugal, some penguins got eaten by leopard seals. Even in the Antarctic this life is just a vale of tears.
(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)
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