Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Friday, June 30, 2006
"Everyone who lost money on Enron, as in almost every financial scandal ever, was a greedy thick fuck," argues the Pigdogfucker.

Well that’s true. I happen to be a greedy thick fuck myself, and know whereof I speak. First there was the 1997 Asian financial crisis, in which $4 trillion were wiped off share values. This included most of the loot my evil old father had left me, and I was reduced to teaching English, like a bum. Where is it now? Greenspan tried to claim that the money had just sort of vanished out of existence, but this never struck me as terribly plausible. I like to think the pixies have got it.

Then I went into derivatives trading as a way of "hedging the bears". For example, I recently sold 500 tonnes of zinc that I do not own, and which may not exist, and used the proceeds to buy cabbage futures. I am betting, you see, that it is a good zinc harvest, but an annus horribilis for the cabbage. It’s called arbitrage. I don’t really understand how it works, but basically if the price goes up I’ll make millions; and if it goes down I’ll grow a beard and move to Australia and start a new life selling didgeridoos, or whatever the hell it is that people do down there.

A couple of weeks ago the Fraud Squad called me in for questioning. It turned out that they weren’t the Fraud Squad at all, but a bunch of impostors.

Buy cabbage!


Monday, June 26, 2006
France has won more Nobel Prizes for literature than any other country. The best-selling book in French history is Le Code Da Vinci.

God, how depressing.


Saturday, June 24, 2006
Some splendid punch-ups in Germany this evening. A tiny minority of several thousand drunks appear to have destroyed central Stuttgart. You’ll never guess where they are from. The English hooligan is second to none.

Before every World Cup the know-alls always try to run our hooligans down, saying that this time the real threat comes from Dutch and German fans, or the Poles, or neo-Nazis from Lapland. Wrong again, chaff-heads. Sadly, my enjoyment of the fighting was marred once again by the minority of idiots who insist on playing football.

Ecuador tomorrow. No sweat. The Ecuadorean hooligan is second to all.

I wish the German police would attack these dreadful people with cattle-prods.


Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Another scurrilous attack on Adolf Hitler. Instead of trying to refute his arguments the left just call him a Nazi, and compare him to the fruitcake Coulter.

Click the button to take the Hitler vs. Rolf Harris* quiz, if you have nothing more interesting to do.

Free Vote Caster from Bravenet.com

*a fascist


Thursday, June 15, 2006
From today’s Sun:
"If violence does break out rapid reaction squads and riot police are positioned close by and ready with an arsenal of weapons."
As opposed to what? An arsenal of rabbits?

I caught The Sun in a tautology! What a triumph.


Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Dsquared, whom you use as an example of a Republican hate-monger, is: a) English; b) left-wing; and c) a writer for The Guardian.

Hats off.

UPDATE! It turns out he’s Welsh. Nothing wrong with that, of course.


Tuesday, June 13, 2006
-The World Cup is always a magical time for me. It takes me back to my childhood, standing on the terraces at Wigan with my old Dad, eatin’ pies.

I never found out what we were doing there. I hated football, and my father was mostly into elephant polo. Nor did he ever give me any of his pies. I remember when I was eight he said to me, “You’re basically just an arsehole.”

-Apparently, a lot of black Britons are supporting African teams in this tournament. A couple of World Cups ago I was in Rafah in the Gaza Strip, and the Palestinians were all cheering for Tunisia and Morocco, and dusty places generally. Yet Europeans don’t seem to be afflicted by this kind of ethnic solidarity. At any rate, when Sweden score I don’t think, “Yes! Another victory for the whites!”

If anything, it slightly annoys me when they win. They think they are so great with their social spending. “Ve are not haffing the beggars in Sveeden.” As far as I’m concerned, they can get stuffed.

-Oh to be in England, now that football’s there, to drive around beeping my car horn like a cunt, and taunt my idiot countrymen in German. “Ha! Ha! One-nil, Englisher dumbkopfs.” The expression of hatred on their dumb resentful faces sends my pleasure sensors soaring.

Most of them are too thick even to insult me properly, though sometimes they’ll come back with, “Two World Wars and one World Cup,” which I always counter with, “Three World Cups and one economic miracle,” and then Deutschland Uber Alles or the Horst Wessel Song. During Italia 90 I got in three different fights. It’s always a magical time for me.


Sunday, June 11, 2006
From the Daily Kos*:
Hello all... I got to meet a bunch of you during the convention and had a fabulous time. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that it might save my life.

I just got a call that someone "crashed my gate" and drove through my office and my daughter's room. Had we been home I would have been working at my desk, and she would have been sleeping in bed. Instead, I was here, so the family's fine... I can now honestly say "Thank you for everything, YearlyKos."
I am not easily moved to tears, but this post had me crying like a baby. Just think... he could have been... and the little ones are safe?... thank God for that!

Kos once saved my life too. I was reading a post about Senator Joseph Lieberman, and it was so dull that I got up to run my head under a cold tap. Just then this assagai comes flying through the window. Zulus! Fuck! If it hadn’t been for Kos, I could have wound up in a cooking pot. I’ll always be grateful to him for that.

Anyway, so we formed a laager, called for reinforcements and went all Rorke’s Drift on their arses, and it all ended happily with a glorious slaughter of tribesmen. That was the day Boris Johnsons won the Victoria Cross.

*Tedious website about American politics.


Thursday, June 08, 2006
This is the funniest thing I have heard all year, but Radio 4 listeners hated it.


Tuesday, June 06, 2006
BOGOTA- A new beat is mugging the nation’s eardrums. They are Calle 13 from Puerto Rico. Their work is described as a fusion of hip hop, rap and reggaeton. What could be more agreeable?

They have just released a new track of absolutely the maximum facetiousness. [See above.] Every coffee shop, bar, car radio and supermarket is currently playing it, and if I’m exposed to much more I might just have a fit and bite someone. This, however, is possibly marginally worse. I haven’t heard a song this witless and infuriating since Twisting by the Pool by Dire Straits. And yet, short of moving to a cave in Scotland, it is inescapable.

I’ll never forget the summer of 96. The European Championships were on, and everyone was singing Football’s Coming Home, and a song about who ate all the pies. They eventually succeeded in driving me out of England. I emigrated a few weeks later, and took an oath never to return, except at the head of a conquering army to put those dunderheads to the sword.
Despising, for you, the city, thus I turn my back:
There is a world elsewhere.


Monday, June 05, 2006
"With over 400 billion cups consumed every year, coffee is the world's most popular beverage."
What balderdash! Most people are Asian, and most Asians drink tea. Like it or not, China has 1.3 billion Chinese people living in it*. If they each drink one cup of tea per day that’s already more than 400 billion cups. And the true figure is more like 8 cups each. They drink it all day long, prodigious great pots of it. There are also 1.1 billion Indians, are there not, hardly any of whom drink coffee.

The man who wrote this is a disgrace, bringing the internet into disrepute with his preposterous claims. Either he knows dick-all about hot beverages, in which case he should keep his filthy yap shut; or he is a deceitful dog.
"Coffee is a beverage prepared from the roasted seeds of the coffee plant."
Yeah, well that’s true. I’ll give you that one.

*To an anthropologist, they are known as China-men, or Chinese denizens.


Saturday, June 03, 2006
Guess the celeb:
He did things that got him into the newspapers for all sorts of reasons. He was drinking heavily, there were times when he was overweight. The media were all over everything he did. You have to hope that the thousands of pounds he’s spent on therapy and rehab to try to battle his demons will have an effect. He’ll probably be remembered as the best player England never had.
If I gave you a thousand guesses you wouldn’t get it: it’s the Prophet Mohammed, from Radio Five’s The Real Mohammed. You click the clink, and the life of Mohammed turns out to be a load of boring rubbish about football- 55 dismal minutes of it. The BBC actually managed to confuse Mohammed, one of the all time great prophets, with Gazza, a footballer with a face like a resentful stoat.

Ah, well. Mistakes happen. I’m sure the Muslims will see the funny side.




Krugman's cat

I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point

The time I punched JK Galbraith

Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?

In Defence of John Prescott

Prescott 2


Jennifer Lopez has been shot!

Nicholas Cage is a tit

A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim

Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss

50 Cent almost too stupid to speak

Ooh, brain hurts

Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman

I'm so angreeee

Ben Affleck

The Magic of Snoop

Inane Dogg

Germaine Greer's gusset


Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan

Correspondence with Boris Johnsons

Ministry of Defence

Thames Valley Police


British Airways- I'll show those fucks


The Polite Society

Is this a library or a bordello?


Israeli Embassy


The Scottish National Party

Garry Bushell

Letter to Gunsmith (1)


Richard Dawkins


Your child is an illiterate cabbage

Like a trouser, yet not a trouser

Why is life so wretched?

Stopping Hitler at Munich

The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk

Non-academic sub-adult clowning

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

No sane man cares about such things

Who, whom?

Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid

The Business English racket

Keith Richards' English level

The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth

Teaching English to cretins

This is a real pain in the arse

I hate teaching English


I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps

Glue sniffers

Yorkshire Yahoos

The British public are deeply stupid

The UK's most successful ethnic group

Violent Britain

The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin

How much do you give a ponce?

Reflections on the British drunk

This septic isle

Thoughts on muggers

Do you want a punch in the mouth?

How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?

Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain

This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists

Many of my best friends are bishops

Britain's Unfunniest Comedian

Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole

Please go away


Shut your cake hole, you lunatic

I don't care about human rights that much

Why I don't take drugs

Someone is getting mugged

I am a victim of crime

That which does not kill you almost kills you

I don't know how much more I can take

Colombian girl santas

The hippos of Pablo Escobar


Dancing on the deck of the Titanic

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

The pros and cons of domestic violence

Life? Don't talk to me about life

The evil Castro cured my cough

Breast implants out of control

Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe

One of those parties that got out of hand

Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?

Don King has lots of good ideas

Chavezfest (1)

Chavezfest (2)


The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft

Pie attacks on Professor Krugman


The Andrew Sullivan Hoax

Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.

If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you

Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time

Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test

The fearless Huffington

Sourpuss Malkin



How to say "Death to America!" in Arabic

How to say "Death to America!" in Farsi

If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

I am opposed to the hacking off of heads

Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective

Top ten warmongers

Islamic Banking

Knob heads

Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave

Another atrocity


Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

Addio Amore, Addio Razza

If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat

Kim Il Sung's birthday!

Billy Graham in North Korea

North Korea job offer

The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear


People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

Baseball is idiotic

I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting

World Cup diary


Where to buy beer in Gaza

The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip

Someone threw a bomb in our garden

It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die

Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

Twisted gonads

Australians vs. camels

Off with the false whiskers

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation


Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

It doesn't seem to make sense

Fisking the poet Keats






Hong Kong

When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad


Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

Trip to the Orinoco


Personal injury lawyer

President Ahmajinadad


Live-blogging the plane crash

Prison survival tips

Suicide statistics

Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

David Irving

Arab Americans

If you like rock music you must be stupid

Quality of life index

A pogrom of quails

Krugman in Bogota

People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock


The Amis brothers

Haiku on another wasted year


The illusion of plenty



Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

Killer Fact! (Napoleon)

Killer Fact! (Brixton)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland)

Killer Fact! (Pakistan)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Brazil 2)

Killer Fact! (Colombia)

Killer Fact! (France)

Killer Fact! (British National Party)

Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)

Killer Fact! (Vietnam)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Ivory Coast)

Killer Fact! (Sweden)

Killer Fact! (Vegans)

Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)

Killer Fact! (Casanova)

Killer Fact! (James Bond)

Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)

Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)

Killer Fact! (Murder rates)

Killer Fact! (Strangling)

Killer Fact! (Buglaries)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland 2)

Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Evian)

Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)

Killer Fact! (Bollywood)

Killer Fact! (Australian women)

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Killer Fact! (Thailand)

Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)

Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)

Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)

Killer Fact! (First English sentence)

Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)

Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)

Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)

Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)

Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)

Killer Fact! (Iraqi Jews)

Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)

Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)

Killer Fact! (India)

Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)

Killer Fact! (Tories)

Killer Fact! (Frogs)

Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)

Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)

Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)

(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)

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