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Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
 
FUN AND SUNSHINE: THERE'S ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE
A beautiful tropical evening, here on the Colombian coast. This is life as it should be lived. Cocktail in hand, breezes coming in off the sea, and the murderous pounding of reggaeton through the floorboards. I like to see the young people enjoying themselves. Shakespeare put it best when he said, 'Fun and sunshine: there's enough for everyone.' A couple of people just had a fight outside my hotel door. Some harpy kept shrieking, 'Let go of his leg.'

There must have been some kind of dispute, which resulted in someone’s leg getting seized. Life is often like that.

A beautiful evening on Colombia's coast, and not even Mrs Thatcher can stop me enjoying it.


Eating lobster is good for the skin, but it isn’t any good for the lobster. I shot this one myself.

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GHOULISH GLEE
Saturday Night Live have been caught using canned laughter, to create the illusion that the entertainment is entertaining.

P.G. Wodehouse once made the point that, statistically, some of the people in canned laughter tracks will have died by the time the show is broadcast. So when you watch Friends you are hearing the mummified mirth of people who died during the Clinton administration, and now lie in the earth rotting.


Joey Tribbiani cracks wise, to the hideous, chilling laughter of the undead.

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Monday, October 30, 2006
 
OPEN THREAD
I’m away at the moment, but here is an open thread so that you, the ordinary man in the street, can have your say about the issues of the day.

Today’s issue: is it wrong to shoplift?

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Thursday, October 26, 2006
 
KILLER FACT!

HowManyOfMe.com
LogoThere are:
0
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Key findings:
-There are 0 people in the U.S. named Snoop Diddy.

-While it is true that there are four Paul Krugmans, there is no such person as Adolf Blenkinsop.

-There are 503 people people named George Bush, but no one is called Orifice Bush, or George Twat.

-There is only one Hugh Janus.

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Tuesday, October 24, 2006
 
NONCE ATLAS
The Sun has published a thought-provoking Nonce Map of the British Isles, showing where the UK’s sex beasts live. (Data from the probation service.)

Humberside, home to John Prescott MP, comes top, followed by Norfolk, where 83.6% of the bumpkins are now electronically tagged.



The head of the probation service said that future targets need to be more outcome-focussed and less process-based to get real staff buy-in.

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Monday, October 23, 2006
 
CAPTION COMPETITION


UPDATE! I don’t know if this will interest you, but I actually bought a spoon this weekend, a spoon not unlike this one. I could have put the money into the property market, but I thought it was better to play it safe. Otherwise, if I lost my job or anything happened to my kids, I wouldn’t have a spoon.

UPDATE 2! I’ve just remembered that I don’t have any kids. Except to the extent that the spoon is like a son to me, the son I never had.

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Thursday, October 19, 2006
 
KILLER FACT!
Boris Johnsons’ great-grandfather was Interior Minister in the Ottoman Empire. He later had the misfortune to be stoned to death by a bunch of Turks. And to this day Johnsons himself is a quarter Turkish.


An Old Etonian Turkish Tory. He must be a crook.

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006
 
THERE ARE TOO MANY GODDAMNED PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET
'Your parents didn’t think about what they were doing for a second. They just reproduced like dumb apes, and here you are- part of the problem.'
Message to the 300 millionth American, born today. From Dr Scott Dikkers.

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Monday, October 16, 2006
 
KILLER FACT!
60% of cannabis in Britain is home-grown.

UPDATE! Incidentally, have you ever seen the FBI’s glossary of drug slang? Their underworld informants were obviously taking the piss.
-I got some Sweet Lucy for you, dude.
-No, thanks. I think perhaps I’ll snop some squirrel instead.
I asked for some wild cat dagga dagga last time I was in Harlem. It turned out to be a glass of sherry.

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Friday, October 13, 2006
 


Had an interesting chat with a Nigerian email spammer this afternoon. Sounds like a good deal.

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006
 
JAPAN BANS NORTH KOREAN IMPORTS
Japan has banned imports from North Korea. Look at these Japanese kids. Poor little chaps. Nothing is more heart-breaking than the tears on a child’s face when it goes to bed without its plutonium. If they keep this up, North Korea is in danger of becoming a pariah state.




The evil Kim Jong Il. Hobbies include huntin', shootin' and fission. Sent that one to Jay Leno, possibly the only person on earth less funny than Kim Jong Il-in-the-head.

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006
 
CENSORSHIP
As well as YouTube, there is also now PornoTube, for persons requiring shaven amateurs, and things of that kind.

I’ve been banned for uploading videos of Al Gore speeches.

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Monday, October 09, 2006
 
I WOULD BOYCOTT THEIR PRODUCTS, IF THEY HAD ANY PRODUCTS
North Korea has tested a nuclear weapon, despite my urging them not to. Think I'll stay in bed today. There doesn't seem much point in saving for retirement anymore. Here’s a video of people getting kicked in the nuts, to while away the time until species extinction. It's pretty amusing.



(Via Blogrot)

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Saturday, October 07, 2006
 
A SWEATY FACED LOUT SINGING LOVE SONGS
"George Melly your a repulsive sweaty faced lout singing love songs. Why your past it. Hang your gun up. And all your dirty jokes leave them to the real comedians. You have a mouth like a ducks ass. Have you only one suit and shabby at that. And your dirty suggestive songs. Somebody ought to tell you. You dirty minded oaf. Your a load of rubbish."
Roy Edroso has written a post "in praise of invective" about the joys of insulting people. That one was a nonamous letter to George Melly.

My favourite insult ever directed at me personally was "tea-sucking limey asshole".

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Thursday, October 05, 2006
 
CALL NO MAN A PERVERT
Some recent sex scandals, in no particular order:
Bill Clinton- pushed a cigar up an intern.

Stephen Milligan M.P.- found dead wearing stockings with an orange in his mouth during government morality campaign.

Bill O’Reilly- made foul phone calls with a vibrator up his rear loader (allegedly).

Mark Foley- sent obscene emails to 16-year old boys.
I strongly approve of all these activities, of course, but whatever happened to good old-fashioned fucking? The only public figure still making the effort would seem to be John Prescott.

As for Foley, I simply cannot see that he has done anything wrong, apart from joining the Republican Party in the first place, which was disgusting but perfectly legal. At 16 you are old enough to get married and join the army, but not old enough to receive emails asking perfectly reasonable questions about your dick measurements? The world’s gone mad.

Call no man a pervert. Just look inside your own head. Nasty, eh?

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006
 
WELL I NEVER!
Using thermal imaging technology, scientists have discovered that watching Mr Bean clips does not produce sexual arousal in men or women.

They also found that “women become sexually aroused as quickly as men.” Not when I’m around, they don’t. Gonna have to work on that smooth talk. I’ve been falling at the first hurdle, asking if they want to come back to my place and watch some Bean videos.

Back to the drawing board, I guess.

(via fark)

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Monday, October 02, 2006
 
JACKASS: THE MOVIE- IT MAKES YOU LAUGH AND IT MAKES YOU THINK
Good news. The new Jackass film took $29 million in its opening weekend. I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m really looking forward to it. The first one was a flawless masterpiece.

Steve-O can say more about Bush’s America by running through an alligator pit with a chicken tied to his arse than Thomas Friedman could say in a hundred columns.

And the scene in which Dave England –a real genius, in my opinion- wittily takes a dump in a hardware store, as customers look on in disgust, is simply outstanding. With a single satirical turd he challenges our taboos about defecating in hardware stores, and exposes the hypocrisy of a society that condemns a man for excreting out of turn, but sees nothing wrong in spending billions of dollars on weapons each year.

What is more sickening, he is saying, a man having a dung in a shop, or America’s refusal to ratify the Kyoto Treaty? Jackass raises some important questions.



In this clip the genius Steve-O dangles above alligators with a raw chicken attached to his jockstrap. In the US a lot of the humour goes over their heads, unfortunately.

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Shut your cake hole, you lunatic

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Why I don't take drugs

Someone is getting mugged

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Robbie Williams to blame for Colombian Civil War

That which does not kill you almost kills you

I don't know how much more I can take

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Dancing on the deck of the Titanic

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

The pros and cons of domestic violence

Life? Don't talk to me about life

The evil Castro cured my cough

Breast implants out of control

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Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?

Don King has lots of good ideas

Chavezfest (1)

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The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft

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Book!


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How to say "Death to America!" in Arabic

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If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

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Another atrocity


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Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

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North Korea job offer

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People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

Baseball is idiotic

I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting

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Where to buy beer in Gaza

The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip

Someone threw a bomb in our garden

It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die

Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


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Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

Twisted gonads

Australians vs. camels

Off with the false whiskers

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation


LITERATURE

Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

It doesn't seem to make sense

Fisking the poet Keats


STUDENT WORK

Gaza

Brazil

Venezuela

Italy

Hong Kong

When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad



TRAVEL

Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

Trip to the Orinoco


TODD MATHERS

Personal injury lawyer

President Ahmajinadad


MISC

Live-blogging the plane crash

Prison survival tips

Suicide statistics

Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

David Irving

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If you like rock music you must be stupid

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A pogrom of quails

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People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock

Rum

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Haiku on another wasted year


BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS

The illusion of plenty

Diets


KILLER FACTS!

Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

Killer Fact! (Napoleon)

Killer Fact! (Brixton)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland)

Killer Fact! (Pakistan)

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Killer Fact! (Brazil 2)

Killer Fact! (Colombia)

Killer Fact! (France)

Killer Fact! (British National Party)

Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)

Killer Fact! (Vietnam)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Ivory Coast)

Killer Fact! (Sweden)

Killer Fact! (Vegans)

Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)

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Killer Fact! (James Bond)

Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)

Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)

Killer Fact! (Murder rates)

Killer Fact! (Strangling)

Killer Fact! (Buglaries)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland 2)

Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Evian)

Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)

Killer Fact! (Bollywood)

Killer Fact! (Australian women)

Killer Fact! (Costa Rica)

Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)

Killer Fact! (Jesuits)

Killer Fact! (Iceland)

Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)

Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)

Killer Fact! (North Korea)

Killer Fact! (Red Heads)

Killer Fact! (Death row)

Killer Fact! (Japan)

Killer Fact! (Thailand)

Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)

Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)

Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)

Killer Fact! (First English sentence)

Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)

Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)

Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)

Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)

Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)

Killer Fact! (Iraqi Jews)

Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)

Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)

Killer Fact! (India)

Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)

Killer Fact! (Tories)

Killer Fact! (Frogs)

Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)

Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)

Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)

(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)



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