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Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Friday, December 29, 2006
 
FESTIVE LINKS
Faces of Meth
Faces ravaged by meth use, many of them very ugly to begin with.

WhosaRat.com
Online database of snitches.

Idiots fighting in a garden
Does what it says on the tin.



A Face of Meth before and after. Or possibly vice versa.

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Monday, December 25, 2006
 
I DESPAIR OF ENGLAND SOMETIMES
Christmas Eve. Back on the home acres. My father threatened to shoot me when I showed up, until I reminded him that I was his son.

"Ah, yes. You are the elder one, are you not? Or are you the one who went native at agricultural college? Anyway, come in, you squinting idiot. You want money, I suppose?"

He evicted old Longbottom from the his tied cottage this morning. He'd blundered into the bear traps we set for the poachers and lost a couple of limbs. "Damned annoying, of course," my father said, " but a double amputee is no damned use to me. The estate has to stand on its own two feet. Which is more than Longbottom can do, come to think of it...

"He stood there weeping in the drizzle with this ugly children and ugly dog, as the bailiffs did their work. Blubbering and snivelling like the worst kind of Spaniard. I despair of England sometimes."

On Monday we ride down to Somerset for the Boxing Day Badger Shoot. Tomorrow I'll probably just stay in and watch crap on the electric television. It's a family tradition.

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Wednesday, December 20, 2006
 
The Sunday Times is selling champagne coolers made by Luo tribespeople* for £89.

Two thousand and six years ago Santa Claus was nailed to the cross, and they have turned his temple into a den of thieves. Christ, what arseholes.



*A tribe in Kenya. They settled on the shores of Lake Victoria where they live by fishing, and selling crap to Sunday Times readers.

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Tuesday, December 19, 2006
 
HAPPY CRITMAS
A card arrives to “teacher Harry”, signed by all my students.

“Happy Critmas,” it says. “You is the best english teacher in the world.”

Apparently not, but thanks.

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MORE AMERICAN MENTALISM
A 17-year-old in Georgia has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for getting a blowjob from a 15-year-old. That makes about as much sense as this video of singing cats.



You would think that maybe 8 years in jail would be enough to teach the lecherous young goat a lesson, but apparently not. He gets out in 2016.

Georgia’s state motto is "Wisdom, Justice, and Moderation". Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.

(Cats via Tim Worstall and lysergic acid diethylamide.)

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Sunday, December 17, 2006
 
KILLER FACT!
Fewer than 1.4% of Iranians attend Friday prayers, according to Iran's Ministry Of Culture And Guidance. But 2.8% of Iranians are addicted to opiates.*

As in Britain, opium is the opium of the masses.

*It's on page 79 of the report.

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GO AND FUCK YOURSELVES
Kos has won again in the North American Champion Bore Awards. The finalists were the same gits as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that. As a news source, there isn’t one of them that rises to the level of the Bournemouth Daily Echo, let alone the Cheddar Valley Gazette. And it’s not as if they have any other redeeming features. The Instapundit wrote 19 posts yesterday, but it doesn’t follow that he is doing anything useful.

I’ve had a gizzard full of these people. Blogs don’t have to be this dull, any more than phone calls have to be dull. I mean, it depends what you say. The problem is that Insta, Kos, Poweline, Malkin etc. set the tone because hundreds of thousands of cretins link to and imitate this solemn rubbish.

Malkin is from the Philippines; Kos is from Bolivia or some fucking hole; Reynolds is from the state of Tennessee, which is basically a bunch of idiots living in a giant rhombus. Legally they are American, but culturally they are Swiss.

What’s wrong with being Swiss? Listen, and I’ll tell you.

The Swiss are the world’s most miserable creatures. Baffled and affronted by anyone who tries to make a joke, they fanatically disapprove of any humour that rises above the level of a clown being hit with a broom, though if you spill soup down your shirt they will laugh. Incapable of joy, they devote their dismal lives to banking and endless niggling referendums. From time to time an Italian visitor will have his car clamped, or be fined for smoking: this provides the only sour amusement a Swiss ever experiences.

After a few decades of this he dies, and the cuckoo clock croaks its mournful music over his lifeless body.

Go and fuck yourself, if you are a blogger or a Swiss. A very Merry Christmas to everyone else.

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Wednesday, December 13, 2006
 
THE CRIMINAL MIND
"THE bodies of two more victims of the Suffolk Ripper were found yesterday — taking the monster’s grim tally to FIVE."
Still no solid leads, but police have been working with criminal psychologists to build up a psychological profile of the killer.

“We seem to be dealing with some sort of nutter,” said Dr Keith Ashcroft, Professor of Forensic Psychology at the University of East Anglia. “A crazy strangler of the worst kind. Whoever is doing this is obviously completely off his chump, and I recommend they try to catch him as soon as possible.”

Suffolk’s Chief Constable Alastair McWhirter described the killer as “a ruddy lunatic”.

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Tuesday, December 12, 2006
 
KILLER FACT!
5.5 million Britons have fled the country, their babies at their backs and their poor luggage, plodding to th’ ports and coasts for transportation...

I myself was forced into exile when militias loyal to Blair burned down my farm.
BRITONS ABROAD:
Australia- 1,300,000
Spain- 761,000
United States- 678,000
Canada- 603,000
Ireland- 291,000
New Zealand- 215,000
South Africa- 212,000
France- 200,000
I even met some in Cali the other day. These days, if you want to avoid the brutes you have to go to Bayswater.

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Monday, December 11, 2006
 
POLAR CALENDAR
The 2007 Polar calendar is out (Venezuela’s main brand of beer).



In the real world, the more beer you drink the less you look like her, but this never seems to occur to anyone. I suppose they think something along the lines of, “Woman! Beer! Want!”

On the right is an actual beer drinker from real life. That's how you're going to end up, I'm afraid.

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HOW TO BE A BURDEN AT SOCIAL OCCASIONS
"Jeanne Martinet, author of The Art of Mingling, offers insights for joining a conversation and making your way through the party."

Well I have some lines of my own, to neutralise her lines, and make sure the ice remains unbroken. Otherwise people like that will start telling you about their repulsive children, or trying to make jokes.
-“How's life?”
-“Shite, as usual.”

-“How do you know the host [hostess]?”
-“I’m his probation officer.”

-“This music reminds me of my childhood.”
-“I don’t care. I wish I was dead.”

"Am I interrupting something confidential?"
-“Go and boil your head.”

-“Isn't this mousse delicious?”
-“I hate kids. Hate them. And yet I’m a teacher. Ironic, isn’t it? Fucking ironic. And do you know
why I hate kids? Listen, and I’ll tell you...” (By this time they will be trying to escape, but I, having foreseen this, am tugging their sleeve.)
Another tactic is to be even more boring than they are. So if they start going on about about cars, you up the ante by talking about telegraph poles. I have also memorised a large number of facts about carpets.

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Wednesday, December 06, 2006
 
COLOMBIA, A YEAR IN REVIEW
From today's El Tiempo:

"The dollar is down; tourism is up; unemployment, sexual activity, the sale of motorbikes and embezzlement of public funds are all up."

A confusing picture, but one thing is clear: there has never been a better time to be a sexually-active embezzler who is shorting the dollar, especially if you own a coconut stand. It's all going their way at the moment.

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HERBERT BUSH DOES A PALTROW
'TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) -- Former president George H.W. Bush broke down in tears as he cited his dimwit son, Gov. Jeb Bush, as an example of leadership.'

The thing I most admire about the United States is the way a grown man can blubber and snivel at a public event, and be widely applauded for it. One minute he’s praising his gormless offspring, the next he’s crying like a baby. By the time this embarrassing display was over, many in the audience were openly weeping too. I am sure many of them found it genuinely moving.

If you behaved like that in England, there would be a kind of frozen disgust, as people began inching towards the door. Whereas in Australia they’d let out a great roar at him –He’s a loony! Let’s get him!- and pelt the poor man with fruit.

There's a video, if you can stand it.


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Saturday, December 02, 2006
 
YOU ARE A ONE WITHOUT FRIENDS
Going back to Mud Island in a few days. Me and my friend Ollie are applying for an Arts Council grant for a project we’re doing.

We’re going to put posters with mysterious words and symbols around the London School of Economics, and people will wonder what it can mean. Then we put up more posters, but these ones have a website written underneath, and when they visit the website it insults LSE students in sounds and visuals.

Some of it is traditional Scottish insults such as, “Fuck off, ya scrawny wee poof,” and there will also be a recording in an Arabic accent with really lame insults like, "You are a one without friends" and "I hope you are unsuccessful in your studies.”

Let me know if you want to get involved.

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TRUE STORY
A few years ago a Russian friend of mine was poisoned in central London. He became violently ill after eating at one of those mobile burger vans. He wasn’t a dissident or anything.

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Friday, December 01, 2006
 
NEPHEW NOT A POOF
This is my new nephew, Des or Baz or Jez, or something. Or Peregrine.

He’s five days old already. They do grow up fast, don’t they? It seems like only yesterday that he was four days old.

No sign of him being a poof yet, thank God.


UPDATE!
To protect the infant's privacy, I have replaced his photo with a photo of Paul Hogan, the well-known heterosexual.

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You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

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Life? Don't talk to me about life

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Don King has lots of good ideas

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Book!


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How to say "Death to America!" in Arabic

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Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

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Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

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The illusion of plenty

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Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

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