Running away from dogs- the FUN way to fitness
Vibrating ab-belt changed my life
I was unamused by the kitten photos
Chat up line- guaranteed results!
My iPod is a glorified herd of cows
You are more likely to die in a car crash than be eaten by a fox
Which Spice Girl would you eat first?
Woman says her best friends are cats
They're making great strides in China
Buddha joke 2
It's not my real ladder- it's my step-ladder Hitchens bellows at students, sobs uncontrollably
Capricorn- beware of falling masonry King of the blogs competition! This training day is as welcome as a cockroach in my salad I'm in love with a wonderful helicopter
Man, that's what I call real coffee
The Campaign for Real Swearing
How would you like to get your hands on my dong?
This "election" in our revolted colonies is essentially a form of treason
Hitchens' double bluff irony impasse
(That last one from Decline and Fall.)
Hunting debate. Vote now!
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MAN TAKES A CRAP ON OLD GLORY; HAS LIBERALISM GONE TOO FAR?
Malkin is still enraged about the man who wittily had a dung on a burning U.S. flag last week. Sounds like good clean fun to me, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Nor do I understand why she calls the man a 'liberal', as if hippies defecating on flags were John Stuart Mill's idea. Why doesn’t she cheer up?
"The anti-war demonstrators who behaved responsibly this past weekend have an obligation to denounce — and distance themselves from — those protesters who purposefully offend others..."I’ll do no such thing. It is every Englishman’s dream to fly over London in a hot air balloon with his pasty arse hanging over the side, and take a great big dump on the Houses of Parliament, while singing the Eton Boating Song.
I haven’t done that yet, but that’s not to say that I won’t. It’s just a question of finding the time. There is never enough time.
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ECONOMICS AND POLITICS
I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point
The time I punched JK Galbraith
Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?
CELEBRITY NEWS
A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim
Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss
50 Cent almost too stupid to speak
Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman
MEANINGLESS HOAXES
Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan
Correspondence with Boris Johnsons
British Airways- I'll show those fucks
Is this a library or a bordello?
TEACHING ENGLISH
Your child is an illiterate cabbage
Like a trouser, yet not a trouser The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk
Non-academic sub-adult clowning
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
No sane man cares about such things
Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid
The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth
This is a real pain in the arse
BRITAIN
I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps
The British public are deeply stupid The UK's most successful ethnic group
The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin
Reflections on the British drunk
Do you want a punch in the mouth?
How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?
Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists
Many of my best friends are bishops
Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole
COLOMBIA
Shut your cake hole, you lunatic
I don't care about human rights that much
That which does not kill you almost kills you
I don't know how much more I can take
VENEZUELA
Dancing on the deck of the Titanic
You toucha my pies, I shoota you head
The pros and cons of domestic violence
Life? Don't talk to me about life
The evil Castro cured my cough
Breast implants out of control
Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe
One of those parties that got out of hand
Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?
Don King has lots of good ideas
BLOGGERS
The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft
Pie attacks on Professor Krugman Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.
If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time
Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test
THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR
If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung
I am opposed to the hacking off of heads
Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective
Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave
NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational
If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat
The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear
SPORTS JOURNALISM
People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea Please hit our fans with clubs
I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting
PALESTINE
The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip
Someone threw a bomb in our garden
It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die
Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers
AUSTRALIA
Is it wrong to execute Australians?
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
LITERATURE
Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table
STUDENT WORK
When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad TRAVEL
Christ were those peasants ugly
TODD MATHERS
MISC
Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French If you like rock music you must be stupid
People now idiots- TV to blame
Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock
BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS KILLER FACTS! Killer Fact! (Quality of life index) Killer Fact! (British National Party) Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup) Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)
Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)
Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)
Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)
Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)
Killer Fact! (Australian women)
Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)
Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)
Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)
Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)
Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)
Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)
Killer Fact! (First English sentence)
Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)
Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)
Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)
Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)
Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)
Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)
Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)
Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)
Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)
Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)
Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)
2007 will be remembered as the year scientists finally unlocked the mystery of how to make fluorescent rabbits. Ever since the first caveman made the first wine cabinet, mankind has dreamed of see-in-the-dark rabbits.
And finally that dream has come true. If only Princess Diana had lived to see this day. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.
I have seen the future, and it works.
Hardly a month goes by without some new survey showing that the British are the fattest, least-educated, most villainous brutes in the European Union. Teenage pregnancies, heroin addiction, prison overcrowding- we come top in all of them.
But we only came third at binge-drinking. God save the Queen.
I THINK THAT PROSTITUTE SECRETLY DISLIKED ME
Had a bit of a cheese and wine evening the other night for a few friends, only I didn’t have any cheese or wine, or friends. So I had a beer and porridge party on my own. It was a great success.
Later I spent an improving couple of hours in an 'executive bar' of almost the maximum seediness. I was sitting there, minding my own beeswax, when this woman comes up and asks if I want to sleep with her. 'Um, OK,' I said. 'Shall we have a conversation first?'
I thought it was too good to be true, and it was: she was a prostitute (or 'ho', as we say in the Thames Valley). And thinking about it, she’d hardly want to sleep me otherwise, would she? Why, the notion is absurd.
But here’s the twist. She was black, and when I explained to her that I was on an economy drive and that I had changed my mind about knobbing her, she accused me of racial prejudice!
What the hell is wrong with everyone these days? I often think I’m the only sane one left. Mnrragh! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the park to throw golf balls at cyclists.
Is golf a necessary evil, like hos? On second thoughts, forget that. That was a dumb question.
A Belfast man has been bludgeoned to death with a shovel. Why has Blair never been bludgeoned with a shovel? It would do him good.
That’s another of the things that’s wrong with him: he’s afraid to try new things.
KILLER FACT!
The Sun is claiming that Gordon Brown had root canal work done without anaesthetic. He also once sewed his own ear back on following a fight with a bear, and can hold his testes in a naked flame for up to two minutes without flinching, like the assassin in Whoops Apocalypse.
This is the kind of thing you read on the North Korean News Agency. Whether or not any of it is true, the fact that it appeared in the Daily Bastard shows that “treasury sources” believe that people will vote for Brown not because they agree with his economic policies, but because he is an Übermensch or Killer Robot, invulnerable to earthly pain, who shall smiteth our enemies.
The only other person I've heard of having dental work without anaesthetic was Evelyn Waugh*, a madman by almost anyone’s standards.
*Will This Do, page 185.
HEATHROW "GOAT FREE"
Heathrow airport. Jesus, don’t get me started.
For years I’ve been hoping someone would blow it up so that I could run a Suicide Bomber Causes Millions Of Pounds Of Improvements headline.
Apparently there’s an airport in Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea, that is even worse, though I’ve never been there. They allow live goats to wander around the terminals, biting luggage and defecating in the departures lounge, according to a furious man I met in a queue at Heathrow. Whereas BAA have so far resisted pressure from the goat lobby.
Chase me ladies, I'm in the cavalry הדיריב תנייפואמה הלחמ ,סיזורופואיטסואב תולחל הדיריב תנייפואמה הלחמ ,סיזורופואיטסואב תולחל הלולע םישנ שולש לכמ תחא
What's this guy saying about us? It seems to be written in French or something.
םימיוסמ םירבש .םייחה תוכיאב תעגופה ,תבאוכו השק הלחמ יהוז .םצעה תופיפצב
.תוומב םייתסהל םילולע ףא
תופורת ,תולחמ ,ןושיע ,ףוג הנבמ ,תינפוג תוליעפ ,ינתא אצומ ,ןימ ,השרות
People should either speak English, or just shut up.
SAUDI AMERICA
An Arizona man has been sentenced to 200 years in jail for possessing child pornography.
If anything, this sentence isn’t long enough. Had he committed this crime around the time of the Battle of Waterloo, he’d be out in just eight years, to commit more crimes.
I say give him eight hundred, and an ASBO, and when he gets out, boil him.
LUNACY
“Israelis own 10 percent of the privately owned area on the moon, according to Tom Wegner, a spokesman for Crazyshop, a company that sells plots of moon to private individuals in Israel.”
What do they want with a bunch of rocks and craters? I don't know. Maybe they see it as the new Gaza. I have no objection to an Israeli-owned moon, provided they pay for it, and don’t just seize it under the my-Grandad-was-here-2000-years-ago loophole.
I’m still not clear about how the Crazyshop Corporation came to own the moon in the first place, though my research continues.
The moon. Not exactly flowing with milk and honey, though it does have some argon and helium atoms, they say.
(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)
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