Running away from dogs- the FUN way to fitness
Vibrating ab-belt changed my life
I was unamused by the kitten photos
Chat up line- guaranteed results!
My iPod is a glorified herd of cows
You are more likely to die in a car crash than be eaten by a fox
Which Spice Girl would you eat first?
Woman says her best friends are cats
They're making great strides in China
Buddha joke 2
It's not my real ladder- it's my step-ladder Hitchens bellows at students, sobs uncontrollably
Capricorn- beware of falling masonry King of the blogs competition! This training day is as welcome as a cockroach in my salad I'm in love with a wonderful helicopter
Man, that's what I call real coffee
The Campaign for Real Swearing
How would you like to get your hands on my dong?
This "election" in our revolted colonies is essentially a form of treason
Hitchens' double bluff irony impasse
(That last one from Decline and Fall.)
Hunting debate. Vote now!
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ECONOMICS AND POLITICS
I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point
The time I punched JK Galbraith
Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?
CELEBRITY NEWS
A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim
Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss
50 Cent almost too stupid to speak
Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman
MEANINGLESS HOAXES
Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan
Correspondence with Boris Johnsons
British Airways- I'll show those fucks
Is this a library or a bordello?
TEACHING ENGLISH
Your child is an illiterate cabbage
Like a trouser, yet not a trouser The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk
Non-academic sub-adult clowning
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
No sane man cares about such things
Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid
The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth
This is a real pain in the arse
BRITAIN
I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps
The British public are deeply stupid The UK's most successful ethnic group
The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin
Reflections on the British drunk
Do you want a punch in the mouth?
How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?
Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists
Many of my best friends are bishops
Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole
COLOMBIA
Shut your cake hole, you lunatic
I don't care about human rights that much
That which does not kill you almost kills you
I don't know how much more I can take
VENEZUELA
Dancing on the deck of the Titanic
You toucha my pies, I shoota you head
The pros and cons of domestic violence
Life? Don't talk to me about life
The evil Castro cured my cough
Breast implants out of control
Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe
One of those parties that got out of hand
Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?
Don King has lots of good ideas
BLOGGERS
The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft
Pie attacks on Professor Krugman Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.
If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time
Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test
THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR
If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung
I am opposed to the hacking off of heads
Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective
Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave
NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational
If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat
The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear
SPORTS JOURNALISM
People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea Please hit our fans with clubs
I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting
PALESTINE
The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip
Someone threw a bomb in our garden
It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die
Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers
AUSTRALIA
Is it wrong to execute Australians?
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
LITERATURE
Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table
STUDENT WORK
When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad TRAVEL
Christ were those peasants ugly
TODD MATHERS
MISC
Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French If you like rock music you must be stupid
People now idiots- TV to blame
Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock
BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS KILLER FACTS! Killer Fact! (Quality of life index) Killer Fact! (British National Party) Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup) Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)
Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)
Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)
Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)
Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)
Killer Fact! (Australian women)
Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)
Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)
Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)
Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)
Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)
Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)
Killer Fact! (First English sentence)
Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)
Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)
Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)
Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)
Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)
Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)
Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)
Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)
Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)
Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)
Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)
BLAIR'S BRITAIN
The average person will eat 10,800 carrots, shed 121 pints of tears and have sex more than 4,200 times, a television documentary will claim tomorrow.
Much as I suspected. After ten years of Blair, Mr Average Briton now spends his days weeping, stuffing carrots into his yap and having sex, according to the experts. In my town, life isn’t really like that, but no doubt the carrot-eating sex fiends of the north are pulling the averages up.
I see that I am supposed to have sex 4,239 times, in between eating my 15 pigs and 2.3 tons of potatoes. If you want my advice, you need to aim for around 3,500 times by the time you’re 40, then try to knock off the remaining 739 before you get your pension. You've got to plan ahead. You don’t want to be in the position of having to pork the wife when you’re in your eighties. It must be the last thing you need.
When I hit 40 I might just call it a day, and buy one of those American dong-on-a-stick machines instead. That will free up a lot of time for my punishing carrot-eating regimen. 
Blair's Britain. It's a living hell.
MALIGNANT TUBAS
Roy Edroso is having a tuba removed. For what it’s worth, I hope he lives.
When Randolph Churchill had a non-malignant tuba removed, Evelyn Waugh said, “It was a typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant, and remove it.”
That's the only tuba anecdote I can think of right now. Incidentally, why doesn't Edroso get his tubas removed in Cuba, if he likes it so much? Eh?
ONE-LINERS
Norm Geras, the angry man of British blogging, has linked to a poll of top one-liners. They’re good, but only quite good. I would have gone with: 1. The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.
(Oscar Wilde, Steve Wright, Bob Monkhouse, Winston Churchill)
2. When I was young my Grandmother gave me $5 one day and said, "Don't tell your Mother I gave you this.” I said, “It's gonna cost you more than that.”
3. They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now!
4. -Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
-Winston Churchill: “Get stuffed.”
A WELL-REGULATED MILITIA
"People don't stop killers," writes the Instapundit. "People with guns do."
The idea is that if one of the Virginia Tech students had had a gun with him, he could have come to the rescue like Dick Dauntless, and shot the Korean maniac.
Well that’s true. But what if 300 students had guns, and they were all on the look-out for a student with a gun? I’m failing to see the genius of this plan, though no doubt I’ve overlooked something obvious.
No guns here in Colombia, thank God. In Bogota there is a place called La Piscina, a much-loved local whore-house, run by one of the country’s most respected paramilitary groups. If you go up to the seventh floor you can buy a bazooka, if bazookas are what you require to protect you from the Koreans. Technically it’s against the law, but so are a lot of things.
POUND HITS $2
Back when I started blogging one of the favorite topics of discussion on conservative blogs was the inevitable crash of the euro in favor of the mighty dollar. Most of this had nothing to do with any thought about economics but instead a general association between perceived penis size of your country and the value of its currency (American big and mighty! Europe flaccid and wimpy!)
I remember when you could buy a bag of eels for two farthings.
ADVICE SOUGHT
An email arrives asking where, in my opinion, is the best place in Denver to hide a carcass.
I’m not really the go-to guy on dumping stiffs in Denver. Maybe some of you can help?
KILLER FACT!
The amount of caffeine in coffee decreases the higher it is grown, but the cocaine content of coca increases with altitude.
ANNIVERSARY
Been doing this nonsense for three years now, and where’s it got me? Nowhere. It has simply widened the circle of people who think I’m a dick. That’s all it has achieved.
Here are some of the rave reviews I have received:“Fuck you, Hutton.”
I have also been called a pommy arsehole, a fuckhead, a right-wing eliminationist, a hippy and a Canadian. (“Pommy arsehole” was mighty witty, I’m not denying it, but accusing me of being a Canadian was tasteless and uncalled for. Does it never occur to anyone that I have feelings?)
“I cannot even fathom the fucking depravity of this.”
“You stupid American.”
“Man your ignorant.”
Tim Worstall started his blog on the same day as this one. He has a lot more readers than I do, but I would remind him that being Britain’s most influential blogger is like being the most influential solver of Rubik’s cubes, or a champion bowler. No one normal gives a toss.
To hell with him.
And sod all the people who come round here leaving comments, trying to cheer everyone up with their wretched jokes and stories. I really hate them, to be honest with you. This one tosser even tried to use my comments section as a place to post his damnable poems, until I enthusiastically deleted them all. I hope he gets hit by a bus.
YES, WE HAVE NO BUZZARDS
Killer Fact! Andrew Jackson personally fought in 103 duels.
I have never fought in a duel, though I’ve been beaten up a few times, if that counts. When I was a teenager this guy told me that if he ever saw me again I’d be “floating face down in the canal.” “There is no canal, ya half-wit,” I thought, but kept it to myself.
I wish I’d known what TV show he got this from. It would have added great interest to the occasion. It would have made as much sense to threaten to leave me for the buzzards. That's because the buzzard nests in moorland and hilly crags, you see. No self-respecting buzzard would show its face in High Wycombe. I don't know if any of this interests you. 
John “the buzzard” Prescott, as he isn’t known. For when you examine the facts, what is less like a buzzard than John Prescott?
OPEN LETTER TO PRESIDENT AHMAJINADAD
Just got back from Vegas, baby, what a riot. We were all like frickin wasted at the pool throwing back 40s for breakfast. The place was off the hook with smoking chicks, but there was this like convention in town with like these dicks in suits and shit.
This one dork was bragging about how he’d outperformed the market three years in a row and I’m like that’s nothing I got my bash on last night with this chick with tits out to here.
Then we bust out some deep ball in the parking lot and I took a couple cuts out of the park. Then we get in my buddy’s hummer and we take off down the strip checking all the tight booties, with the super woofers pounding out Verdi’s Requiem.
I was totally wasted.
Todd Mathers
A TRANSPORT DEVICE USED TO MOVE PEOPLE OR GOODS VERTICALLY
The Flying Rodent is having a go at lifts again: "So what can be done to reinvigorate the Lift? The answer can only come from the Lift itself, and the prognosis is not good - for as long as it continues to serve only those within its cold embrace rather than offering a coherent vision to society, it will remain irrelevant to the majority of humanity."
Sure, it’s easy to sneer at lifts. But he couldn’t be more wrong. Krugman himself praised the Lift as “still the most effective mass-transit system yet devised.”
As the poet Aerosmith put it:Love in an elevator
And how true that is. And never more so than today. Those who oppose the Lift will be left behind, in the dustbin of history.
Livin' it up when I'm goin' down
Love in an elevator
Lovin' it up 'til I hit the ground... [my italics]
PYONGYANG-ON-TEES
"Talking" CCTV cameras that tell off people dropping litter or committing anti-social behaviour are to be extended to 20 areas across England.
Right, fuck it, time to flee the country. I’m not staying in this stinking place another minute. How do I become an Australian? (Or a Chinaman, I’m not that bothered.)
The talking cameras were first introduced in Middlesbrough, and succeeded in their goal of making life in Middlesbrough even more unpleasant than it already was, so now they are spreading to Reading, Darlington, Blackpool, and several other dog-holes. If you want a vision of the future, imagine a whining stream of orders in a Teeside accent- forever.
Who are these people issuing the orders? If anyone can give me the name and address of one, I’ll follow him around with a bullhorn, yelling impertinent advice in his ear-hole all day. See how he likes it.
I’ll tell you what might work. Instead of badgering everyone from a control centre, they could dress up in nice blue uniforms and go down and stand in the street. We could call them “policemen”.
I eventually decided against signing the John Doe manifesto, on the grounds that I would rather plunge my head into boiling chip fat. It’s based on the idea that to defeat the terrorists, we have to go around with a stupid solemn expression saying, “I am John Doe”. I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift. I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss.
Fucking bunch of half-wits. Anyway, here’s another one, since the way I figure, the more the manifestos the less terrorism:
I am John Doe.I am famous for metaphysical poetry. I was vicar of St. Dunstan's-in-the-West. My works employ paradoxes, puns, and subtle yet remarkable analogies.
Send it to your MP and demand to know what he plans to do about John Donne.
No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe.
I am John Donne.
(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)
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