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Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
 
MAN TAKES A CRAP ON OLD GLORY; HAS LIBERALISM GONE TOO FAR?
Malkin is still enraged about the man who wittily had a dung on a burning U.S. flag last week. Sounds like good clean fun to me, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Nor do I understand why she calls the man a 'liberal', as if hippies defecating on flags were John Stuart Mill's idea. Why doesn’t she cheer up?
"The anti-war demonstrators who behaved responsibly this past weekend have an obligation to denounce — and distance themselves from — those protesters who purposefully offend others..."
I’ll do no such thing. It is every Englishman’s dream to fly over London in a hot air balloon with his pasty arse hanging over the side, and take a great big dump on the Houses of Parliament, while singing the Eton Boating Song.

I haven’t done that yet, but that’s not to say that I won’t. It’s just a question of finding the time. There is never enough time.

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Tuesday, March 20, 2007
 
2007 will be remembered as the year scientists finally unlocked the mystery of how to make fluorescent rabbits. Ever since the first caveman made the first wine cabinet, mankind has dreamed of see-in-the-dark rabbits.

And finally that dream has come true. If only Princess Diana had lived to see this day. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.


I have seen the future, and it works.

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Friday, March 16, 2007
 
HURRAH!
Matador gets one in the scrotum.

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Hardly a month goes by without some new survey showing that the British are the fattest, least-educated, most villainous brutes in the European Union. Teenage pregnancies, heroin addiction, prison overcrowding- we come top in all of them.

But we only came third at binge-drinking. God save the Queen.

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007
 
I THINK THAT PROSTITUTE SECRETLY DISLIKED ME
Had a bit of a cheese and wine evening the other night for a few friends, only I didn’t have any cheese or wine, or friends. So I had a beer and porridge party on my own. It was a great success.

Later I spent an improving couple of hours in an 'executive bar' of almost the maximum seediness. I was sitting there, minding my own beeswax, when this woman comes up and asks if I want to sleep with her. 'Um, OK,' I said. 'Shall we have a conversation first?'

I thought it was too good to be true, and it was: she was a prostitute (or 'ho', as we say in the Thames Valley). And thinking about it, she’d hardly want to sleep me otherwise, would she? Why, the notion is absurd.

But here’s the twist. She was black, and when I explained to her that I was on an economy drive and that I had changed my mind about knobbing her, she accused me of racial prejudice!

What the hell is wrong with everyone these days? I often think I’m the only sane one left. Mnrragh! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the park to throw golf balls at cyclists.

Is golf a necessary evil, like hos? On second thoughts, forget that. That was a dumb question.

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007
 
A Belfast man has been bludgeoned to death with a shovel. Why has Blair never been bludgeoned with a shovel? It would do him good.

That’s another of the things that’s wrong with him: he’s afraid to try new things.

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Thursday, March 08, 2007
 
KILLER FACT!
The Sun is claiming that Gordon Brown had root canal work done without anaesthetic. He also once sewed his own ear back on following a fight with a bear, and can hold his testes in a naked flame for up to two minutes without flinching, like the assassin in Whoops Apocalypse.

This is the kind of thing you read on the North Korean News Agency. Whether or not any of it is true, the fact that it appeared in the Daily Bastard shows that “treasury sources” believe that people will vote for Brown not because they agree with his economic policies, but because he is an Übermensch or Killer Robot, invulnerable to earthly pain, who shall smiteth our enemies.

The only other person I've heard of having dental work without anaesthetic was Evelyn Waugh*, a madman by almost anyone’s standards.

*Will This Do, page 185.

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Monday, March 05, 2007
 
HEATHROW "GOAT FREE"
Heathrow airport. Jesus, don’t get me started.

For years I’ve been hoping someone would blow it up so that I could run a Suicide Bomber Causes Millions Of Pounds Of Improvements headline.

Apparently there’s an airport in Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea, that is even worse, though I’ve never been there. They allow live goats to wander around the terminals, biting luggage and defecating in the departures lounge, according to a furious man I met in a queue at Heathrow. Whereas BAA have so far resisted pressure from the goat lobby.

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Sunday, March 04, 2007
 
Chase me ladies, I'm in the cavalry הדיריב תנייפואמה הלחמ ,סיזורופואיטסואב תולחל הדיריב תנייפואמה הלחמ ,סיזורופואיטסואב תולחל הלולע םישנ שולש לכמ תחא
םימיוסמ םירבש .םייחה תוכיאב תעגופה ,תבאוכו השק הלחמ יהוז .םצעה תופיפצב
.תוומב םייתסהל םילולע ףא
תופורת ,תולחמ ,ןושיע ,ףוג הנבמ ,תינפוג תוליעפ ,ינתא אצומ ,ןימ ,השרות
What's this guy saying about us? It seems to be written in French or something.

People should either speak English, or just shut up.

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Friday, March 02, 2007
 
SAUDI AMERICA
An Arizona man has been sentenced to 200 years in jail for possessing child pornography.

If anything, this sentence isn’t long enough. Had he committed this crime around the time of the Battle of Waterloo, he’d be out in just eight years, to commit more crimes.

I say give him eight hundred, and an ASBO, and when he gets out, boil him.

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Thursday, March 01, 2007
 
LUNACY
Israelis own 10 percent of the privately owned area on the moon, according to Tom Wegner, a spokesman for Crazyshop, a company that sells plots of moon to private individuals in Israel.”
What do they want with a bunch of rocks and craters? I don't know. Maybe they see it as the new Gaza. I have no objection to an Israeli-owned moon, provided they pay for it, and don’t just seize it under the my-Grandad-was-here-2000-years-ago loophole.

I’m still not clear about how the Crazyshop Corporation came to own the moon in the first place, though my research continues.


The moon. Not exactly flowing with milk and honey, though it does have some argon and helium atoms, they say.

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