Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
"Your god-son [Auberon Waugh] behaved very well throughout his Christmas holidays so I have sent him to a boarding school for a reward."

Evelyn Waugh in a letter to Mary Lygon.


The thing –one of the things- that makes my life so wretched is that as well as teaching these appalling cretins, I have to teach everyone else’s cretins too, because my colleagues are snivelling tossers who pretend to be sick all the time. "Harry," they say, "Claire is in bed with dengue. Can you take her class of six year olds?"

Very well, let’s beat some sense into the young toads. It will do me the power of good. I’ve heard her lessons, and the disgraceful noise they make, clapping and singing foolish songs. Learning English is fun!

No it isn’t. Not if I have anything to say about it.

In these "young learners" classes there’s always a tubby kid causing problems: my usual method is to stride up and prod him in the chest and say, "Are you trying to be funny?" If he bursts into tears, I will do a cruel and mocking impersonation of him. "Wah!", I will say. "Wah! Oh, boo, hoo, hoo!"

Let them hate as long as they fear. (That was my suggestion for the new school motto.)


Beatrice and Sidney Webb spent their honeymoon at the Trades Union Congress in Glasgow.


Tuesday, August 30, 2005
There is NO email of the day.


Monday, August 29, 2005

Had an interesting chat with this guy yesterday. He has been following his calling (standing in the road being crazy) for twelve years, and he really knows his stuff.

Some drivers give him money; others wind up their windows to keep him away. The hours are good, and he’s his own boss; but it must really take it out of you, shouting at cars and being insane all day. He has a plate in his shoulder from the day he was run over.

I was in a shop last week when he came in with a pile of coins to change at the end of his shift. He told me he makes $12 a day, and $20 on Fridays and Wednesdays, which isn't riches, but is more than a doctor gets in a state hospital*. (It didn’t look that much to me. It was quite a big pile of coins, but it seemed more like $5 or $6.)

That’s what life is like, my friends. You’re born, and everyone is pleased to see you. Then 52 years later no one is pleased to see you. You’re all alone, your teeth have fallen out, and you’re standing in the street, nuts. I expect I’ll end up like that one day.

*560,601 Bolivares per month for a GP (just over $200).


Sunday, August 28, 2005

Former Bond girl Ruddy Rogriguez in Caracas. She is helping Amnesty International, who are having a campaign about the pros and cons of domestic violence. In fact, they only really mentioned the cons. It was kind of one-sided.

I found their leaflets quite convincing, however, and I am now opposed to wife-beating. Domestic violence is never justified, even if she keeps contradicting you.

She was lovely, the Bond girl. But would I be prepared to sneak into a communist moon base and rescue her from that Chinese maniac with the slicing hat? I dunno, I wouldn’t go that far.

Can’t someone else do it? I’ve got a bad back.


Saturday, August 27, 2005
Japan has 2.6 times as many fatal stabbings as the UK (per capita), and Finland has 5 times as many as Japan. What is it about Finland that makes it such a great place for getting knifed to death?

And what’s with all the stabbings in Brazil and and the US? You’d think that every idiot having a gun would tend to cut down on the knifings, but apparently not.

Source: my favourite web site.


Johann Hari: "Chavez returned to the Miraflores [sic] by helicopter, and Caracas erupted into what one young woman told me was 'the biggest, maddest party Venezuela has ever seen.'"


"This is an update from the US Embassy, Monday, April 15, 2002. The security situation in Caracas is still unstable. Looting continues in some neighbourhoods, including Los Samanes, Urbina, Propatria, Los Ruices, La Floresta, El Paraiso, La Campina, Carcuao [sic], Petare, and Catia. Demonstrations are likely in Plaza Francia in Altamira. A police station has been burned in Bello Campo. Gunfire has been reported in La Tahona and Los Chorros. Police presence is minimal or non-existent, and the Metropolitan Police and Guardia Nacional have been instructed not to leave quarters. Citizens are reminded to be cautious when going out, and are urged to stay near their homes. Passengers are strongly advised to check with the airlines regarding the road to the airport and to confirm their travel arrangements before attempting to go to the airport.

End text."


Friday, August 26, 2005
In the comments Sarah calls me a cynical arse, and asks why I stay here if I hate it so much. I don’t hate it at all; I'd be sorry to give that impression. The trouble with trying to be funny, however unsuccessfully, is that you tend to emphasise things that go wrong and cause grief, which makes it sound like you’re moaning all the time.
Today it was a sunny day, so we climbed the Avila mountain, a beautiful national park that overlooks Caracas. After that we went to eat arepas, a type of snack which is very popular in Venezuela. No one got shot.
I mean, who the hell wants to read that kind of thing?


Wednesday, August 24, 2005
My friend John B says that Pat Robertson should be deported to Venezuela and put on trial for Acts Preparatory to Terrorism (legal jargon for being a dick).

I don’t see why not. He is a dick; and he would certainly get a fair trial: Venezuela’s independent judiciary is the envy of the world. And Venezuela, as John points out, is a civilised place, give or take the extra-judicial executions*, and the 400 annual prison murders.

Indeed, if I had to describe Caracas in a single word, that word would be civilised. As I walk past piles of garbage in the choking potholed streets, where enraged drivers conduct a war of each against all, I often think to myself, “How very civilised.” Look mummy, a dead dog!

I’d hate for the oligarchs to get back in and ruin it all.

*Approx. 2500 between 2000-2005, not including people who die in shoot-outs with the police. The figure for 1994-1998 was 527. Chavez fans can explain in the comments why extra-judicial killings have quadrupled during the V Republic.

UPDATE! About the civilised thing: I was talking about prisons, police, and things of that kind. In many ways the place is a lot more civilised than the UK. In South America I have never seen a hag vomiting cider into her own lap, for example, whereas in my own country it would be unusual not to see such a hag, if you went to the High Street on a Friday night. Our hooligans are the finest on earth; in Venezuela they can only dream of such hooligans. In terms of mass drunkenness, fist-fights in pubs, and the dismal stupidity of the inhabitants, the British can out-barbarian anyone in the world, except perhaps Australians, who are possibly marginally worse.


Tuesday, August 23, 2005
An armed guard employed by a bakery, defending the flans and cheesecakes from attack. Apparently there are people in Caracas so depraved that they don’t want to pay for their cakes and pastries.

Are the pastries of Venezuela over-cosseted? That’s the wrong question. You should be asking: are the pastries of England guarded well enough? When I think of all those defenceless pies, I weep.

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head. (I’ve got the accent off to a T.)


Sunday, August 21, 2005
The ten most dishonest countries, based on unpaid parking fines* by their diplomats in Britain:
Saudi Arabia- 367
Russia, former Soviet Union- 363
Israel- 191
Morocco- 165
Nigeria- 159
Greece- 155
Poland- 154
France- 144
China- 140
Canada- 135
Colombia had no unpaid parking fines, just as they have never defaulted on their debt.

*Figures from 1991


Saturday, August 20, 2005
Kim Jong Il received a gift from the organisers of the International Youth Festival, but they won’t say what it was. I don’t know why they’re being so secretive about it, unless it’s a fake arm from a joke shop, and he’s going to play a prank on Condoleezza. That’s a good one, that is; I use that one myself. It’s almost as side-splitting as the fake turd (I do not say this lightly). Imagine the look on her face when they shake hands at the summit, and his arm falls off. Ha, ha, ha! The stupid cow!

Kim is a keen amateur jokesmith. He once shaved his chef’s gonads as a prank. This is kind of humour that the late Jeremy Beadle* would have esteemed, God rest his soul.

*Note for American readers: A gifted and much-missed TV prankster from comedy’s Golden Age who brought laughter to millions by turning up at people's houses with a false beard and a wrecking ball and saying, “Good morning, madam. I’m from the council. I’ve come to knock down your house.”


Thursday, August 18, 2005
I’m leaving Venezuela in a few days. I’m fairly sure this revolution is going to end in tears, but, I have to admit, I went to one of those Cuban clinics yesterday and it was excellent. I’ve got bronchitis.

I’m not saying I owe my life to the Evil Castro. But Castro did help treat my cough. The truth is the truth.


Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Sharon has evicted the settlers from Gaza.

Excellent. I had been urging him to do that.


Tuesday, August 16, 2005
The Festival of the Easily-Duped ended last night. I can neither quantify nor isolate the stupidity I have seen this last week in Caracas. Chavez could break wind and stick his head in a bucket of porridge, and still they would cheer.

It was a laugh though. I haven’t had this much sex since I was a boy scout leader* The only thing that depressed me was the ceaseless chanting. Do not chant under any circumstances. It’s sub-human.

*Frank Drebbin in Naked Gun. Actually, it was more of a challenge than I thought it would be. A girl from the Kim Il Sung Socialist Youth League gave me her number, but it’s an +8502 number (Pyongyang). Another delegate came out with me for a drink, but she only wanted to bitch about the United States all night, which isn't my idea of fun. Did she want to come back to my place and denounce George Bush? She did not.

The Lebanese Communist Party

Delegate from Tanzania

-Um, why do you have a picture of Stalin on your shirt?
-He is one of the classic figures in the history of development. After the death of Lenin, he was the one who maintained the character of the Soviet Union.
-But did he not...?
-Yeah, yeah, he killed a bunch of people, we can all agree that’s terrible. But why does no one ever talk about all the good things he did?

Then he started ranting about Brezhnev. I made my excuses and left.

From the American delegation

A twerp

Libyan delegate. When I told him I was from England he said, "England good. Tony Blair!" and gave the thumbs up sign.

Tony Blair? He's a monster.

Kim Il Sung badge. I didn't see any Pol Pot badges, or Vlad the Impaler t-shirts. That type of extremism would have been quite out of place at the Festival of Youth and Students.

I'm the guy in the red shirt

Waiting for Chavez to arrive we had to listen to some ghastly droning woman. She was all “every two seconds three million people die of malnutrition, especially children.” And I’m like, “Yawn City. How is that my fault?” This went on for some time. She would talk about the problems in Chad, or some bloody place, and say that it was America’s fault and especially affected the children.

There are plenty of things to criticise about the United States. Their pop music, for example, and their stupid whiny voices. But don’t try to tell me they conduct “internal wars of extermination” or that people in the Indian reservations aren’t allowed to leave (as Chavez claimed, on Sunday night).

Some people bitched at me when I refused to join in their Mexican wave. I could have told them that if liberty means anything at all, it is the right not to participate in imbecile Mexican waves. Instead, I withdrew disdainfully to buy a hot dog. Don’t want to die of malnutrition.


No sex with Nazis. Why ever not? It is absurd to have hard-and-fast rules about whom one should have sex with.

The guy with the Stars and Stripes hid his face when I pointed a camera at him.


The book is Chomsky’s Hegemony or Survival. When I was here in 2000-2002 I don’t remember anyone using the word imperialism. The subject just didn’t come up.

I suspect that Chomsky is the autor intelectual of the whole thing.


Monday, August 15, 2005
Napoleon and the Duke of Wellington had two girlfriends in common. One of them, Marguerite Weimer, said that Wellington was "beaucoup le plus fort."

Today is Napoleon's birthday.


"At the Conference of the Americas, I’m going to sneak up on him [Bush] real quiet and shout BOO!"

Hugo Chavez, speaking at the Tribunal Against Imperialism this evening. (Imperialism got convicted, you'll be pleased to hear.) He doesn’t often refer to him as Bush. Calls him Mr Danger.

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the Republic.


Sunday, August 14, 2005

Still a great alternative to the horse.


Friday, August 12, 2005

These are the feared "chavistas". Icy killing machines.

They’re happy because Chavez has promised a vertical chicken coop for every Venezuelan family.

"Who are those guys?", I asked one of the organisers. "I don't know," he said. "I thought they were with you."

I haven't read this, but I think it's some kind of Marxist assault on Harry Potter.

Angolan girl

Nicaraguan boys

Chavez supporter


Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Streets full of communists. Please advise.

UPDATE! It turns out to be the International Festival of Youth and Students. (Walking around Caracas the other day I thought some hippies were having some kind of giant fucking jumble-sale.) 17,000 students and “youths” from 144 countries are here. Chavez opened proceedings on Monday night with a speech so insane I was surprised the oil markets didn’t panic.

The festival slogan is:
"For Peace and Solidarity, We Struggle Against War and Imperialism!"
Yeah, well good luck with that. Let me know how you get on. I used to be young and idealistic like them, but there came a day when I said to myself, “No more Mr Nice Guy.” That was when I was three.

I wanted to go to their events, on the theory that girls who attend communist youth conferences will do anything, like girls with tattoos. To get in I claimed to be a journalist, but they forgot to send the accreditation, even for the real journalists, so I had to pretend to be an International Youth, disguising myself with a Che Guevara t-shirt. I look good in it. I was worried it might clash with my sarcastic expression.

Actually it was very painful for me to appear in public in such a garment. I can see the point of a Bin Laden shirt -that would really piss people off. But Che? Who’s that going to offend?

As for the speakers, I liked the Vietnamese guy best. His speech was preposterously dull, and he was as conformist and sycophantic as the rest of them, but I admired the way he read it in a normal voice, instead of that ludicrous pretending-to-be-furious style that Latin Americans always adopt.

Patria o muerte!
Patria o muerte!
Patria o muerte!

Oh, relax, for Christ’s sake. What’s wrong with you?

A North Korean youth

Cuban doctors

The flag of Suriname. (I didn't even know they had a flag. They don't deserve one.)


Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Australia is the world’s top country for dying of twisted gonads (torsion of testis, to those of us in the medical game*). It’s a serious matter. If you are amused by the idea of Rolf Harris roaring "Aaarrgh, me nuts! What pain!" as he falls to the floor clutching his knackers, never to rise again, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

*First aid badge from the Cub Scouts, awarded during the first Thatcher administration.


Sunday, August 07, 2005
I was sorry to hear that Robin Cook croaked. When he was alive I wanted to toss him into a vat of hot tar, to make him howl; but now he’s a stiff I realise what a loss he is to our nation. A droning Scot in favour of ID cards- we shall not look upon his like again.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and Robin Cook to Cooked Robin (assuming he’s cremated, and not fed to the lions at Whipsnade in accordance with his last wishes). I have written his epitaph. It says simply: "Here lies Robin Cook. Can I see your pass?" It seems he keeled over while trudging up some dismal hill in Scotland; that’s the way I want to go.

Please, a two hour silence for Sir Cook, the greatest human of his generation.


Friday, August 05, 2005
In 2004, which public intellectual / boxing promoter campaigned for Hugo Chavez and George Bush?

Answer here.

A left jab, and then a right hook- like it! There are those who say he’s as mad as a box of frogs, and that his schemes for social reform do not always provide a coherent alternative to a fist fight on pay-per-view. But I am not of their number.


Thursday, August 04, 2005

You can buy beer while sitting in traffic on the motorway. Certainly, sir! Two big beautiful beers, coming right up!

This and the silicone tits are not taken into account when calculating The Economist’s Quality of Life Index, which ranks Caracas somewhere between Mogadishu and the Ross Ice Shelf. But do you believe everything The Economist tells you? Hmmm?


Wednesday, August 03, 2005
The trouble with racial profiling, says John B, is that the Musselmans aren’t a race.
"Muslims of Arab origin look similar to Greeks (and Brazilians)."
On the contrary, it is easy to tell a Greek from an Arab. The Orthodox Church doesn't practise circumcision: nine times out of ten, the Greek will have a full dick.

The Israelis go on beards, I believe. At any rate, I had a friend in Gaza who grew a beard, and he said that post-whiskers there was a sharp increase in the amount of getting jerked around at check-points. “When they see a beard they think you are a conservative,” he said, conservative in this context meaning a supporter of Hamas and their crazy bombers.

I throw it in for debate.


Did a class on How To Rob A Bank In English, to teach them the vocabulary of armed stick-ups. None of them will ever be armed robbers, of course, but then none of them will ever be greengrocers either, yet last week they learned how to sell vegetables. Student A was the customer -he had to buy the ingredients for an omelette- and student B played a greengrocer. In the real world, student B works for a software firm, and it is unlikely that he will ever be called upon to sell anyone a vegetable. Yet it didn't seem to strike him as odd that he was now being asked to impersonate a man with a fruit and veg stall. People expect this kind of thing in an English class, and accept it uncomplainingly.

After teaching them stuff like, "No sudden movements or I'll blow your stinking head off," I got them to write witness statements, as an exercise on physical descriptions (he was tall/short, fat/thin with curly/straight hair, etc.) One guy said that the robbers were wearing panties on their heads. If I were a bank clerk and were threatened by a man with panties on his head, I think I would find it hard to take him seriously. (They meant stockings, as it turned out, from the American pantyhose.)


There was still twenty minutes to kill at the end of the lesson, so we had a discussion about crime. I asked if anyone had been a victim and they all said no, which struck me as unlikely. No one has been robbed, or anything? "Oh, robbed, yes," they said. They'd been mugged dozens of times; they seemed to think that anything less than a kidnapping didn't count. One girl had been mugged inside a 5-star hotel. "They stole my goldens," she said.

Another girl had a humorous anecdote for us about the time her father shot a burglar. He heard the burglar trying to get in, she said, struggling to contain her laughter, so he positioned his chair in front of the gate, aimed his gun and waited patiently. Then, when the thief put his head round the corner, Daddy opened fire and -ha, ha, ha- shot him like a pig. "My father he is so funny," she said, almost weeping with mirth.


Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Iceland leads the world in the number of tractors per acre of cropland. It is the tractor capital of the world.

The ruler of Iceland praises Wotan for the goodness of the tractors.




Krugman's cat

I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point

The time I punched JK Galbraith

Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?

In Defence of John Prescott

Prescott 2


Jennifer Lopez has been shot!

Nicholas Cage is a tit

A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim

Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss

50 Cent almost too stupid to speak

Ooh, brain hurts

Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman

I'm so angreeee

Ben Affleck

The Magic of Snoop

Inane Dogg

Germaine Greer's gusset


Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan

Correspondence with Boris Johnsons

Ministry of Defence

Thames Valley Police


British Airways- I'll show those fucks


The Polite Society

Is this a library or a bordello?


Israeli Embassy


The Scottish National Party

Garry Bushell

Letter to Gunsmith (1)


Richard Dawkins


Your child is an illiterate cabbage

Like a trouser, yet not a trouser

Why is life so wretched?

Stopping Hitler at Munich

The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk

Non-academic sub-adult clowning

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

No sane man cares about such things

Who, whom?

Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid

The Business English racket

Keith Richards' English level

The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth

Teaching English to cretins

This is a real pain in the arse

I hate teaching English


I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps

Glue sniffers

Yorkshire Yahoos

The British public are deeply stupid

The UK's most successful ethnic group

Violent Britain

The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin

How much do you give a ponce?

Reflections on the British drunk

This septic isle

Thoughts on muggers

Do you want a punch in the mouth?

How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?

Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain

This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists

Many of my best friends are bishops

Britain's Unfunniest Comedian

Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole

Please go away


Shut your cake hole, you lunatic

I don't care about human rights that much

Why I don't take drugs

Someone is getting mugged

I am a victim of crime

That which does not kill you almost kills you

I don't know how much more I can take

Colombian girl santas

The hippos of Pablo Escobar


Dancing on the deck of the Titanic

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

The pros and cons of domestic violence

Life? Don't talk to me about life

The evil Castro cured my cough

Breast implants out of control

Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe

One of those parties that got out of hand

Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?

Don King has lots of good ideas

Chavezfest (1)

Chavezfest (2)


The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft

Pie attacks on Professor Krugman


The Andrew Sullivan Hoax

Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.

If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you

Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time

Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test

The fearless Huffington

Sourpuss Malkin



If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

I am opposed to the hacking off of heads

Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective

Top ten warmongers

Islamic Banking

Knob heads

Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave

Another atrocity


Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

Addio Amore, Addio Razza

If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat

Kim Il Sung's birthday!

Billy Graham in North Korea

North Korea job offer

The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear


People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

Baseball is idiotic

I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting

World Cup diary


Where to buy beer in Gaza

The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip

Someone threw a bomb in our garden

It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die

Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

Twisted gonads

Australians vs. camels

Off with the false whiskers

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation


Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

It doesn't seem to make sense

Fisking the poet Keats






Hong Kong

When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad


Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

Trip to the Orinoco


Personal injury lawyer

President Ahmajinadad


Live-blogging the plane crash

Prison survival tips

Suicide statistics

Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

David Irving

Arab Americans

If you like rock music you must be stupid

Quality of life index

A pogrom of quails

Krugman in Bogota

People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock


The Amis brothers

Haiku on another wasted year


The illusion of plenty



Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

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Killer Fact! (New York Times)

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