Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
The annual execution rate for prisoners on death row in the US is 2%. The death rate for street-level drug sellers is 7%, so they would be safer on death row.


Tuesday, November 29, 2005
“It's very much an individual choice I think, whether one executes.” (Peter Cook)
They are hanging Nguyen Tuong Van in the morning. I am not myself in favour of hanging Australians. I’m in favour of beheading them, but hanging is oafish. The government of Singapore has come in for a lot of criticism for this unpleasant fetish of theirs; but as long as they are sure, beyond all reasonable doubt, that he is Australian... As David C says in the comments, which of us can honestly put his hand on his heart and say that we haven’t at some time wanted to hang an Aussie? I know I have.

Let he who is without motes in his eye cast the first beam.

I don’t know why the government of Australia doesn’t string up a couple of Singaporeans in retaliation. That’s what I would do. It’s idiotic, but sometimes idiocy is all we have left.


Monday, November 28, 2005
Among Hispanic immigrants in the United States Colombians are the best educated, followed by Cubans. Other Latin immigrants are almost as dumb as the natives, unfortunately.

Most educated of all are the Indians.


Sunday, November 27, 2005
Silences to be observed by UK citizens during the week beginning Nov 28th:
Monday- 10am: Tsunami victims (2 minute silence); 3pm: Ronnie Barker (1 min)
Tuesday- 11am: Gianni Versace (3 mins): 2 pm: Armenian Genocide (1 min)
Wednesday- 10am: African children, dysentery (1 min); 3pm: Enron shareholders (1 min)
HIV Thursday- 11am: landmine victims (1 min); 3pm: River Phoenix (2 mins)
Friday- 11am: Srebrenica massacre (1 min); 3pm: Paula Yates (cancelled)
Saturday- 11am: SARS (1 min); Robin Cook (4 mins)
Sunday will be left open for any bloodbaths and earthquakes that may arise during the week. Failure to observe silences will result in an on-the-spot fine. Thank you for your co-operation.


Are you a Trotskyite, a Ba'athist or a Dixiecrat? Have your say. Take part in Bogol's cretinous online poll.


I thought Brownie of Harry's Place was one of us. He turns out to be... one of them.
"You can keep your Chopin, Sistine Chapel and Da Vinci sketches. If I want to see a real artist at work, I’ll put on a video and watch George Best drop a shoulder as he rounds the Benfica goalkeeper in 1968... God used to think he was omnipotent, then at 3 o-clock on November 25th 2005, he saw George Best doing keepie-up in Paradise."
I suppose this kind of thing is very moving if you’re from the north, or somewhere like that. On eBay they are auctioning an empty bottle of Château Haut Brion Pessac-Léognan 1982 that Best once poured over his dick to celebrate his hat-trick against West Ham. (Actually, it was Miss Canada who did the pouring; but at Best's behest.)

Best was also one of them. In fact, it wouldn't be much of an exaggeration to say that George Best, Miss Canada and Brownie of Harry's Place were three of them.


Saturday, November 26, 2005
George Best, the bon vivant, has died. He would generally start the day with kippers and a pint of Scotch. During the morning he would drink three or four pints of beer. He would have a bottle of wine with his lunch, then a quart of ale to tide him through the afternoon. After dinner he would drink a bottle of champagne, then half a bottle of Scotch before bed. And, would you believe it, he's dead.

If you ask me, he was in danger of becoming an alcoholic.

Now that we’ve finally got rid of the tiresome sod there’s going to be a big outbreak of weeping northerners, bless their warm little hearts. Mercifully, it will probably take the form of standing in silence with a stupid solemn expression, wiping away a manly tear, rather than all-out Liverpudlian-style blubbering. I’d love to tell you some anecdotes about how I used to stand on the terraces wi’ me old Dad, eatin’ pies; but I’m afraid I don’t have any.

I will say this for George Best: though in many ways a nuisance, he was charm itself compared to the rapists, coke-heads and wife-beaters who followed.


Thursday, November 24, 2005
35 per cent of MIT undergraduates are Asians.


Wednesday, November 23, 2005
"After watching the mulattoes shake it I can understand why Brazil is totally devoted to my favorite body part, the ass," said Arnold [Schwarzenegger].
In Brazil a mulato is a boy or man of mixed race. And, as luck would have it, many of the girls of mixed race (mulatas) also turn out, on closer inspection, to be boys of mixed race. Schwarzenegger is Austrian, of course.

Discovering that your new girlfriend has a dick could ruin the whole holiday, if you were square about it. But my view has always been that you win some and you lose some, and you should try to be gracious about it. Almost any perversion, however sickening, is good for a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon, or a weekend in Rio (or France). As long as you don’t go on and on about it, or structure your whole lifestyle around forcing falafel up your rear-loader, to take an example at random, I say it’s all good; get stuck in. I would draw the line at dogging, however.

What the Governor of California gets up to in the privacy of Club Oba Oba is perfectly vile. But as long as it isn’t a drain on the public purse, that is no concern of mine.

He’s my kind of Republican.


Tuesday, November 22, 2005
"Everyone loves a cannibal – at a safe distance, of course." (Anthony Daniels)

"There is no life without a double life. And yet one grows weary." (Tim Parks)

"Tue, 12 Apr
Few things warm the heart so much as the death of a dog." (Hemlock)
Some opening lines I have come across recently.

UPDATE! As a dog lover, I would like to distance myself from that last one. But change dog to doggone tennis player and I would run it up the flagpole and salute. Tennis players contribute nothing to the planet and should be exterminated, in my opinion. All they do is mince around making retarded remarks such as “thirty-love”, wasting everyone’s time and acting like they own the place. I really hate them, to be honest with you.

There are two things in this world I will not tolerate: tennis players, and the people who hide them.


Saturday, November 19, 2005
QANTAS: it's Australian for dingo's excrement
The London Underground Song


Friday, November 18, 2005

2005: Blogged is in the shops. I went to a book-signing session this afternoon at Waterstones in the Charing Cross Road. They didn’t have it, but I managed to write my name in sixteen copies of Krugman’s The Great Unravelling before I got slung out.


Going on a trip? Don’t forget to take some cigarette butts in your hand luggage. Leave them lying around the plane, it really pisses them off. They can’t work out why their nerdish smoke detectors aren’t working, and the look on their miserable faces sends my pleasure sensors soaring. I’ll show those fucks.

One time on BA this twerp came on the intercom to denounce me. He was all, “One of you filthy animals in Economy was smoking. We know who you are, please don’t fly again with British Airways.” But he didn’t know who I was, for once again I had outwitted them. One day I’m going to sneak on board with a jar of bees. Hopefully they'll swarm up to Business Class and sting everyone to buggery. It will be the last thing they're expecting.

No one likes airlines. You could be a surgeon or a Crown Court judge, but the moment you set foot in an airport you’ll be treated like a mutinous ten-year old on a school outing. The pre-flight nagging now goes on for twenty minutes. “For your comfort and safety, and the safety of other passengers, we would ask that you chew your complimentary peanuts eight times before swallowing, with your seatbelt fastened.” Shut it, you whore, before I wring your neck. Contrary to your ludicrous claims, it is not possible to bring down a Boeing 747 with a Marlborough Light. Believe me, I’ve tried. And could you ask that pilot to shut his cake hole? He’s been badgering us for about five minutes now with his wretched droning, and if I’m exposed to much more of it I’m going to bite someone.

Who does he think he is?


Thursday, November 17, 2005
-Urban 75

-Prison facts

-50 Cent and Tim Worstall both have books out.


Open letter to Rob Wilson MP, Member of Parliament for Reading East:

Dear Sir,
I was in your constituency last week and it was a right dump. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Only a poltroon would represent such a place.

My friend Kevin says that Reading was on our side during the war. This is a preposterous argument. The war ended over a hundred years ago. You can’t keep blaming the Germans every time something goes wrong. The world has moved on. Wake up!

And who is that retard with the stick who’s always banging on bins and howling in the shopping precinct? Is he a relation of yours? Why can’t you do something about him? He’s a flaming idiot. So is everyone else in your festering town, come to think of it. What a dog hole.

Yours faithfully,

Harry Hutton (tax-payer)


Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Americans are getting thinner, reversing a decades-long trend. In 2002, 64% of the population were porkers*. But this has now plunged to 62%, and is continuing to fall, leading to fears that the Evil Bush is starving everyone to death. Only two years ago fatness pundits were predicting that the American arse would keep expanding to infinity.

The Chinese, meanwhile, continue to get richer and fatter.

*This is why they are known as “the masses”.


Sunday, November 13, 2005
Mad dog Hitchens at the Christian Family Research Council.

That’s virgin on the ridiculous. Or, at least, virgins next to the ridiculous.



Email to the Scottish National Party:
Sir, I was disappointed to see you voting against the terror bill. Why would the police arrest someone if he wasn’t a terrorist? You don’t seem to have thought this through.

For the terrorists who threaten our way of life, ninety days isn't long enough. It should be ninety months. It’s idiotic, but idiocy in the defence of freedom is no vice. If it saves just one child's life it will be worth it. What about ordinary hard-working families? Who speaks for them?

I personally can’t stand ordinary hard-working families. But you are supposed to be looking out for them.

The terrorists in closets are coming home to roost.

The Scottish National Party replies:
MPs did not vote against the terror bill - they only voted against one part of it. The issue at stake was not whether the police should be allowed to arrest people because they believe them to be terrorists, it was about whether the law should be changed to allow people to be held without charge for up to 90 days. No evidence was put forward by the government to support this proposal, and that is why the majority of MPs votes against it.

The SNP had further concerns about this proposal because the government ignored the fact that Scotland has a separate legal system and did not consult the senior law officer in Scotland to establish whether their plans were were legal under Scots law.

In those circumstances I hope you can understand that the SNP had no option but to vote as we did.


Mhairi Hunter
SNP Policy Unit

To: the Scottish National Party
Thank you very much. That’s a weight off my mind.
God be wi' ye.


Friday, November 11, 2005
From the financial markets, a basket of barrels this week:
Barrel of crude- $59
Barrel of Evian water- $500
Barrel of orange juice (London prices)- $927
Barrel of dogs*- $1,342
Barrel of Hewlett-Packard printer ink- $470,638
*Assuming 18 litre dogs, priced at $38 a paw. Our allies consider it good sport to shoot the poor beasts. That's so easy it's like shooting dogs in a barrel, they say. Which just shows the total hypocrisy of the Bush regime: they lecture the rest of us on human rights, then roar with sadistic laughter as they shoot dogs in barrels.

An email arrives:
Dear Limey Asshole,
We Americans do shoot dogs, so that, in their absence, we can enjoy the finer things in life. And after a hard day’s bombing stuff and gunning down defenceless hounds, we like nothing better than to unwind with a big ole cigar and a barrel of Hewlett-Packard printer ink.

Try the 85, if you get the chance. Undertones of oak perfectly complement the lead chromate.

Have a great day, ya hear!


Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Throw him in the Thames, the wanker.

UPDATE! Then run him out of town like a common pygmy.


If you appeared before magistrates in 2004 you had a 4% chance of getting jailed per court appearance (more, if you done it.) Summary motoring offences make up 50% of total court proceedings in the UK. The average magistrate is 57 years old and sent six and half people to jail last year. 93.3% of magistrates are white.

Nothing wrong with that, of course. Many of my best friends are whites.


Monday, November 07, 2005

For some reason, Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmood Abbas (a.k.a. Abu Mazen) has a big Star of David in front of his house. This is Al-Rimal, Gaza City’s most exclusive neighbourhood, the Kensington of the Gaza Strip. The building on the right of the photo is Abu Mazen’s pad, commanding great views of some dust.

I don’t know how the Star of David came to be there. There’s another one in Rafah camp, supposedly a “Hamas stronghold”. No one seems to mind.

Nor could I ever discover who lives in that mock turret thing next door to Abu Mazen. Even P. Diddy would regard such a building as being in questionable taste.

I would love to have my own turret, though.

Eagle-eyed readers have spotted that this post is complete bilge. That’s not a Star of Dave, but some other kind of star.

Apologies to Dave for any distress this caused.


Arson attacks in France increased by 2,500% between 1993 and 2000. And cases of arson in Britain rose 200,000% during the 20th century.

The West is losing the War on Arson, along with the War on Drugs, the War on Terror, the War on Fare Dodgers, and some other wars I don’t remember right now. Is it time to consider decriminalisation? Making it illegal just drives it underground and gives it a false glamour, like filleting haddock on a wooden surface*. If burning stuff down were legal it could be taxed and controlled, as in Holland. There was a most interesting piece about it in The Economist.

*Banned by the 1990 Food Safety Act, since when cases of food poisoning have obviously rocketed.


Saturday, November 05, 2005
Four hundred years ago today a bunch of religious headbangers tried to blow up London. How times have changed.

Killer Fact! Five of the gunpowder plotters were blood relations of William Shakespeare. And Macbeth is full of refererences to the fifth of November. Shakespeare also wrote these lines, as a warning to children on Bonfire Night:
The boy stood on the burning deck,
His pocket full of crackers,
One fell down between his legs,
And blew off both his knackers.


On August 15th, in the Poliedro de Caracas, Chavez said he was going to sneak up behind Bush and shout "Boo!" in his ear hole, at the Summit of the Americas. He hasn't done yet, but he might, and if he does it will be the first time in history that someone has shouted boo into the ear hole of a sitting US President.

It's an unorthodox way of conducting diplomacy, but I'm sure Bush will see the joke.

High-spirited crowds turn out to greet Bush.

UPDATE! Seriously, he really did say that. Though it wasn't exactly "Boo!" It was more sort of "Wah!" But there's no point quibbling: it's extremely good in either version. I doubt if Bush has ever said anything that witty.


Friday, November 04, 2005

I've never really watched EastEnders. Which one's "Dirty Den"?


-Arlington’s clowan story has ended. "Barely even gibberish, obviously the work of a lunatic." (The Evening Standard.) But forward it to twenty of your friends and you will have luck in the New Year.

-Could Gonzales tell us more? Greg Sargent ponders a legal but pie-in-the-sky scenario for the Fitzgerald investigation.

What? Who? Every tiresome pipsqueak with a website is mouthing off about some boring scandal in America. As far as I can make out, all that happened was that some slippery fellows in suits committed perjury, obstructed justice, sold rifles to the Apaches, etc. There’s the usual ham-fisted thuggery and Clouseau-like bungling from the Bush administration, but no love triangles, no falafel, no bawdy amusement of any kind. I filed it under important, but not to me.

-And speaking of bawdy amusement, our fun-loving Minister of Pensions has resigned again. Mad Dog Blair made some speech.

-Rebekah Wade is a slapper.


Jesuits were banned in Switzerland until 1973.


Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Canada is the world's biggest exporter of zinc.




Krugman's cat

I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point

The time I punched JK Galbraith

Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?

In Defence of John Prescott

Prescott 2


Jennifer Lopez has been shot!

Nicholas Cage is a tit

A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim

Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss

50 Cent almost too stupid to speak

Ooh, brain hurts

Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman

I'm so angreeee

Ben Affleck

The Magic of Snoop

Inane Dogg

Germaine Greer's gusset


Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan

Correspondence with Boris Johnsons

Ministry of Defence

Thames Valley Police


British Airways- I'll show those fucks


The Polite Society

Is this a library or a bordello?


Israeli Embassy


The Scottish National Party

Garry Bushell

Letter to Gunsmith (1)


Richard Dawkins


Your child is an illiterate cabbage

Like a trouser, yet not a trouser

Why is life so wretched?

Stopping Hitler at Munich

The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk

Non-academic sub-adult clowning

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

No sane man cares about such things

Who, whom?

Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid

The Business English racket

Keith Richards' English level

The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth

Teaching English to cretins

This is a real pain in the arse

I hate teaching English


I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps

Glue sniffers

Yorkshire Yahoos

The British public are deeply stupid

The UK's most successful ethnic group

Violent Britain

The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin

How much do you give a ponce?

Reflections on the British drunk

This septic isle

Thoughts on muggers

Do you want a punch in the mouth?

How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?

Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain

This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists

Many of my best friends are bishops

Britain's Unfunniest Comedian

Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole

Please go away


Shut your cake hole, you lunatic

I don't care about human rights that much

Why I don't take drugs

Someone is getting mugged

I am a victim of crime

That which does not kill you almost kills you

I don't know how much more I can take

Colombian girl santas

The hippos of Pablo Escobar


Dancing on the deck of the Titanic

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

The pros and cons of domestic violence

Life? Don't talk to me about life

The evil Castro cured my cough

Breast implants out of control

Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe

One of those parties that got out of hand

Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?

Don King has lots of good ideas

Chavezfest (1)

Chavezfest (2)


The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft

Pie attacks on Professor Krugman


The Andrew Sullivan Hoax

Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.

If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you

Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time

Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test

The fearless Huffington

Sourpuss Malkin



If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

I am opposed to the hacking off of heads

Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective

Top ten warmongers

Islamic Banking

Knob heads

Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave

Another atrocity


Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

Addio Amore, Addio Razza

If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat

Kim Il Sung's birthday!

Billy Graham in North Korea

North Korea job offer

The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear


People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

Baseball is idiotic

I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting

World Cup diary


Where to buy beer in Gaza

The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip

Someone threw a bomb in our garden

It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die

Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

Twisted gonads

Australians vs. camels

Off with the false whiskers

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation


Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

It doesn't seem to make sense

Fisking the poet Keats






Hong Kong

When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad


Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

Trip to the Orinoco


Personal injury lawyer

President Ahmajinadad


Live-blogging the plane crash

Prison survival tips

Suicide statistics

Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

David Irving

Arab Americans

If you like rock music you must be stupid

Quality of life index

A pogrom of quails

Krugman in Bogota

People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock


The Amis brothers

Haiku on another wasted year


The illusion of plenty



Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

Killer Fact! (Napoleon)

Killer Fact! (Brixton)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland)

Killer Fact! (Pakistan)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Brazil 2)

Killer Fact! (Colombia)

Killer Fact! (France)

Killer Fact! (British National Party)

Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)

Killer Fact! (Vietnam)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Ivory Coast)

Killer Fact! (Sweden)

Killer Fact! (Vegans)

Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)

Killer Fact! (Casanova)

Killer Fact! (James Bond)

Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)

Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)

Killer Fact! (Murder rates)

Killer Fact! (Strangling)

Killer Fact! (Buglaries)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland 2)

Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Evian)

Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)

Killer Fact! (Bollywood)

Killer Fact! (Australian women)

Killer Fact! (Costa Rica)

Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)

Killer Fact! (Jesuits)

Killer Fact! (Iceland)

Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)

Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)

Killer Fact! (North Korea)

Killer Fact! (Red Heads)

Killer Fact! (Death row)

Killer Fact! (Japan)

Killer Fact! (Thailand)

Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)

Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)

Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)

Killer Fact! (First English sentence)

Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)

Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)

Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)

Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)

Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)

Killer Fact! (Iraqi Jews)

Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)

Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)

Killer Fact! (India)

Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)

Killer Fact! (Tories)

Killer Fact! (Frogs)

Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)

Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)

Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)

(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)

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