Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
The Palace of Westminster has seven bars. In fact, they are not so much bars as villainous drinking dens, since none of them has a licence and they are completely illegal. The Mother of Parliaments is fundamentally a low shebeen selling bootlegged gin. That, I’m afraid, is a fact.


Sunday, May 28, 2006
Charles Johnson of LGF has managed to get a Reuters employee suspended, because of a humorous email they sent him. "I look forward to the day when you pigs get your throats cut...," they joshed.

What’s the matter, can't he take a joke? I’m always sending prank emails threatening to cut people's throats. It's a bloody funny jape. Here's one I sent yesterday, to the editor of The Daily Telegraph:
Greetings, you cur.

We gonna slit your throat like a goat.
Have a great day. Love the paper.

Jeremy Al-Majnoon
The Islamic Headbanger Army
PO Box 32402
Chipping Sodbury
Technically it is illegal to cut Telegraph employees' throats, but then so are a lot of things. Anyway, LGF is based in Los Angeles; the prankster who sent the email is more than a hundred miles away, in Sweden. So I’d say they can probably afford to relax. I’m prepared to bet you a pound that nothing comes of this death threat. My Uncle Algernon used to get death threats all the time. He didn’t let it worry him. Just ignored them, and went about his day.

Mind you, they got him. Threw him in a vat of boiling cheese.


A naked lunatic charges into a restaurant and screams at people through a megaphone, for no very obvious reason. Like many of the best ideas it's so simple that you wonder you never thought of it yourself.

It must be the last thing you need if you’re trying to eat your dinner.


Friday, May 26, 2006
"The Respect MP George Galloway has said it would be morally justified for a suicide bomber to murder Tony Blair."
Blowing up Blair is a thorny potato: it has its pros and cons. I see that Harry’s Place have come down very firmly on the 'Don’t blow up Blair' side of the fence –no doubt they feel the time is not ripe- but there are strong arguments to be made on both sides.

No one would seriously deny that Blair should to be put to death, but after a fair trial. You can’t just go blowing people up willy-nilly. Sorry, Abdul, but that’s not how we do things over here. You have to go through the proper channels.

But what if the trial drags on for years? What if Blair escapes to Switzerland and cheats the noose? There is always that risk. Others would argue that blowing him up will only give him the publicity he craves.

Opinion on whether we should assassinate the PM has become dangerously polarised in recent months. It is time to take a step back and consider these questions calmly and dispassionately. And let us focus on the things that unite us, not those which divide us. At the end of the day, it is a matter of individual conscience whether one assassinates the Prime Minister.


Thursday, May 25, 2006
"3 million overfed zombies ruled by a deranged dynasty, surrounded by 300 million starving, loincloth-clad Muslims waiting patiently for the day when they pour out of the jungle and descend on the arrogant Chinese settlement to finish it off with their poison darts and machetes, leaving nothing but electronic road pricing equipment standing."

Description of Singapore.


Wednesday, May 24, 2006
-Rival military factions in East Timor continued to engage in gun battles throughout Dili on Wednesday, after two people were killed and five injured in clashes on Tuesday.

-Vietnam struggles to deal with the aftermath of Typhoon Chanchu. Hundreds still missing.

-Australia battles to cope with the problem of tubby pets. One third of Australian cats are overweight; four in ten Australian dogs now major porkers.

Timorese refugees struggle to survive.            An Australian struggles to lift an overfed cat.


Tuesday, May 23, 2006
The minister for drugs said he had had "one or two puffs of marijuana" while a student but had not enjoyed the experience and decided not to repeat it.
Like a lot of Labour MPs, this guy seems to have made the transition from 1960s-style twerp to right-wing hoodlum, without at any point passing through common sense. All it takes is a haircut, apparently, and before you know it you're in favour of starting wars, golf and imprisonment without trial.

Full disclosure: when I was a student I dabbled with being Minister for Drugs, but I didn't enjoy the experience and decided not to repeat it. (I recommended that they legalise marijuana, but ban Pink Floyd. This is clearly contrary to common sense, but common sense can go and fuck itself, as far as I'm concerned.)

It's certainly true that one gets more right-wing as one grows older. When I was a kid I used to give money to the homeless. In my twenties, I would ignore them. These days I say, 'Get up, you lazy fleabag.' By the time I'm forty I expect I'll be giving them a rousing fine kick as I go past, on my way to gas some badgers.

Vote Labour, by the way.


Sunday, May 21, 2006
Sorry I haven’t updated. The communists dynamited the power grid.

I came to Buenaventura last week, to start a new life as a fisherman. Since I arrived, there have been not one, not two, but eighteen bomb and grenade attacks. Why is no one ever pleased to see me?

I went out last night to try to rustle up a couple of slappers, but there was a curfew and no slappers to be had, not even for ready money. So I lay in bed, sans slappers, sweating like a hog in a sauna, trying to read Martin Chuzzlewit by candlelight. That's communism for you. I got as far as Chapter 2 'wherein certain certain persons are presented to the reader, with whom he may, if he please, become better acquainted', then threw it in the bin, and drank a litre or so of rum to obliterate consciousness.

Benidorm for me next year.


Tuesday, May 16, 2006
From Dumb Britain in this week's Private Eye:
DJ Danny: Napoleon died in St Helen’s [sic] on this day 165 years ago. What did he say on his death bed?
Lisa from Doncaster: Kiss me, Hardy.
DJ Danny: You’re right!
That's really world class. You could make a column called Dumb Norway or Thick Japan, but it wouldn't be the same.


Sunday, May 14, 2006
Update! The other day I wrote that Prescott 'screwed his secretary'. I slightly regret phrasing it like that. It is possible that these two young people really love each other. You can’t knock love.

When the story broke my reaction was, “Prescott got his greens, did he? Good for him! There’s hope for us all.” I pictured him rolling in drunk after lunch one day with an obscene leer on his face, and making a boorish and ham-fisted lunge at her, after which they went at it like toads in a pond. That would have been my method.

But my mother always said that I mustn’t judge other people by my own low standards. It could be that the Deputy Prime Minister was a caring lover, who was sensitive to Tracey’s needs as a woman. We simply don’t know, until the Metropolitan Police have finished their investigation.

She had no intention of falling under his spell, but her body ached irresistibly for the touch of his cruel lips.
   'John,' she gasped, as she melted in his manly arms. 'John...'
   'Aye, lass,' whispered John. 'When tha'rt willin'!'
   'Get thee skates on,' he urged. She shuddered with delight as his throbbing parliamentary mace sprang loose.

I imagine the police report will say something along those lines.

"Sensitive lover" say Downing Street sources


Friday, May 12, 2006
Just spent an improving half hour at Google Trends. Pakistan is the country that most searches for sex on Google, it turns out. So what? All that means is that their English isn't good enough to look for anything more depraved. Or so I thought: but they also come top for nude wrestling, jism and goat sex. These are a few of my favourite things.

The French come top for cunnilingus, but who came first for oral sex? If you'd given me fifty guesses I wouldn't have got it: it was Romania. Britain, of course, can generally hold her own when it comes to producing sexual deviants; and, sure enough, we got the gold for spanking, having -ha, ha, ha- beaten the Irish into second place. Singapore comes second for caning which, as luck would have it, is the penalty over there for nude wrestling, goat sex, etc. But they come first for “canning”. Edinburgh is top for idiots; but Tampa, Florida, is still number one for morons.

Perth, Australia, gets first place for chicks with dicks. Much as I expected.


Tuesday, May 09, 2006
"Scotland Yard has confirmed it is looking into a complaint that Mr Prescott broke the law by allegedly having sex in his Whitehall office."
If I were his lawyer, I would point out that using a government office for having sex with his secretary was far less ruinous for Britain than how he might otherwise have been using it. While Prescott was harmlessly fucking his secretary, the rest of the cabinet were probably hatching schemes to make us all line up and be fingerprinted. Put it this way: would you rather he was shafting his secretary, or the nation? We got off lightly.

I would go further: I would say that screwing his secretary is his main achievement since taking office, and one of the things that sets him apart from monomaniacs and cyborgs like Blair, Brown and Straw. Blair would no more fuck his secretary than he would read a novel. Why? Because he’s a lunatic and a freak, with no more sense of proportion than a Saudi cleric. Brute that he is, Prescott is one of the few members of the establishment who is still recognisably earthling.

"I’m the one who acted stupidly," he said. What was stupid about it? It was one of the few things he has done recently of which sane people might approve. You vote to abolish Habeas Corpus and the Magna Carta, then you apologise for screwing your secretary? Seriously, what’s wrong with everyone on that island? Besides which, to describe it as "stupid" is insulting to the woman, you great oaf.

Incidentally, trivia question: how many jags does "two-jags" own? He owns one jag (second hand). If he were French or Italian he could use his ministerial car to buy milk, visit his whippets, or whatever else he does with his wretched life. But because he was scrupulous, on that occasion, about the difference between government property and private property, he got jumped on.* And the same people who call him two-jags now bitch about him getting his end away in Whitehall.

I think he comes out of these scandals rather well. I still hope to see him hang, however.

*And to carjack or hotwire his jags would be another assault on the Magna Carta: "No sheriff, royal official, or other person shall take horses or carts for transport from any free man, without his consent." This often gets overlooked.


Saturday, May 06, 2006
Germans have the highest IQ in Europe.

The most intelligent people in Europe. That, I'm afraid, is a fact.


Friday, May 05, 2006
Blair gets his chopper out.

*Note for American readers: chopper is slang for penis or dong. The male member. Big Jim and the twins. One's Johnson. And therein lies the joke, if joke it be deemed.

If you would like to learn more about contemporary British culture, including demotic terms for cock, please contact the British Embassy in Washington, who will be happy to answer your queries: (202) 588 6500


Thursday, May 04, 2006
1. Sudan (3)*
2. DR Congo (2)*
3. Ivory Coast (1)*
4. Iraq (4)*
5. Zimbabwe (15)*
6. Chad (7)*
(Tie) Somalia (5)*
8. Haiti (10)*
9. Pakistan (34)*
10. Afghanistan (11)*
146. Norway
* Position in 2005 report

Via Ivan the Terrible


The Magistrate: "We had a drink-driver in a couple of months ago who had blown a little over five times the limit on the EBM machine."

What's that in six-packs?


Monday, May 01, 2006
Throw away all your clothes and buy a monk’s habit. That's what I'm going to do. I can’t be bothered with proper clothes and ironing anymore. I was just packing my suitcase and I thought what a pain in the arse it all is. In future, I’m going to travel with nothing but a monk’s habit, a toothbrush, and something to read. All the rest is vanity and vexation of spirit. Plus, I’ll never get mugged if I am dressed like Friar Tuck.

Only turkeys go to Marks and Spencer. All the years I spent buying “shirts”- I can’t believe what a sucker I’ve been. The fashion industry –that is, a racket run by French woofters- has brainwashed everyone. That’s the only reason people want “shirts”. Well I’m not going to take it any more.

Seriously, wear a monk’s habit. If you think about it, it really makes sense. When you consider all the advantages, it is eccentric not to wear a monk’s habit.

                In                                         Out




Krugman's cat

I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point

The time I punched JK Galbraith

Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?

In Defence of John Prescott

Prescott 2


Jennifer Lopez has been shot!

Nicholas Cage is a tit

A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim

Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss

50 Cent almost too stupid to speak

Ooh, brain hurts

Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman

I'm so angreeee

Ben Affleck

The Magic of Snoop

Inane Dogg

Germaine Greer's gusset


Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan

Correspondence with Boris Johnsons

Ministry of Defence

Thames Valley Police


British Airways- I'll show those fucks


The Polite Society

Is this a library or a bordello?


Israeli Embassy


The Scottish National Party

Garry Bushell

Letter to Gunsmith (1)


Richard Dawkins


Your child is an illiterate cabbage

Like a trouser, yet not a trouser

Why is life so wretched?

Stopping Hitler at Munich

The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk

Non-academic sub-adult clowning

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

No sane man cares about such things

Who, whom?

Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid

The Business English racket

Keith Richards' English level

The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth

Teaching English to cretins

This is a real pain in the arse

I hate teaching English


I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps

Glue sniffers

Yorkshire Yahoos

The British public are deeply stupid

The UK's most successful ethnic group

Violent Britain

The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin

How much do you give a ponce?

Reflections on the British drunk

This septic isle

Thoughts on muggers

Do you want a punch in the mouth?

How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?

Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain

This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists

Many of my best friends are bishops

Britain's Unfunniest Comedian

Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole

Please go away


Shut your cake hole, you lunatic

I don't care about human rights that much

Why I don't take drugs

Someone is getting mugged

I am a victim of crime

That which does not kill you almost kills you

I don't know how much more I can take

Colombian girl santas

The hippos of Pablo Escobar


Dancing on the deck of the Titanic

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

The pros and cons of domestic violence

Life? Don't talk to me about life

The evil Castro cured my cough

Breast implants out of control

Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe

One of those parties that got out of hand

Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?

Don King has lots of good ideas

Chavezfest (1)

Chavezfest (2)


The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft

Pie attacks on Professor Krugman


The Andrew Sullivan Hoax

Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.

If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you

Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time

Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test

The fearless Huffington

Sourpuss Malkin



If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

I am opposed to the hacking off of heads

Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective

Top ten warmongers

Islamic Banking

Knob heads

Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave

Another atrocity


Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

Addio Amore, Addio Razza

If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat

Kim Il Sung's birthday!

Billy Graham in North Korea

North Korea job offer

The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear


People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

Baseball is idiotic

I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting

World Cup diary


Where to buy beer in Gaza

The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip

Someone threw a bomb in our garden

It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die

Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

Twisted gonads

Australians vs. camels

Off with the false whiskers

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation


Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

It doesn't seem to make sense

Fisking the poet Keats






Hong Kong

When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad


Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

Trip to the Orinoco


Personal injury lawyer

President Ahmajinadad


Live-blogging the plane crash

Prison survival tips

Suicide statistics

Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

David Irving

Arab Americans

If you like rock music you must be stupid

Quality of life index

A pogrom of quails

Krugman in Bogota

People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock


The Amis brothers

Haiku on another wasted year


The illusion of plenty



Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

Killer Fact! (Napoleon)

Killer Fact! (Brixton)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland)

Killer Fact! (Pakistan)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Brazil 2)

Killer Fact! (Colombia)

Killer Fact! (France)

Killer Fact! (British National Party)

Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)

Killer Fact! (Vietnam)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Ivory Coast)

Killer Fact! (Sweden)

Killer Fact! (Vegans)

Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)

Killer Fact! (Casanova)

Killer Fact! (James Bond)

Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)

Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)

Killer Fact! (Murder rates)

Killer Fact! (Strangling)

Killer Fact! (Buglaries)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland 2)

Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Evian)

Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)

Killer Fact! (Bollywood)

Killer Fact! (Australian women)

Killer Fact! (Costa Rica)

Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)

Killer Fact! (Jesuits)

Killer Fact! (Iceland)

Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)

Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)

Killer Fact! (North Korea)

Killer Fact! (Red Heads)

Killer Fact! (Death row)

Killer Fact! (Japan)

Killer Fact! (Thailand)

Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)

Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)

Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)

Killer Fact! (First English sentence)

Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)

Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)

Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)

Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)

Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)

Killer Fact! (Iraqi Jews)

Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)

Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)

Killer Fact! (India)

Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)

Killer Fact! (Tories)

Killer Fact! (Frogs)

Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)

Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)

Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)

(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)

Blogger profile

Normblog profile

Don't Date Him Girl.com

Home video Twitter page

The Queen

Emerald Bile
Hung Bunny
Old Holborn

The Magistrate's Blog

Flagrant Harbour
Glory, Glory Tottenham Hotsblog
Hemlock's Diary
Nude king
Ordinary Gweilo
Give me spirit fingers
The Shaky Kaiser

Tim Blair
Bastards Inc
The Love Quote
Tony T
Will Type for Food

Ambulance driver's blog
Aunty Marianne
Virtual Stoa
Eric the Unread
Apostate Windbag
Backward Dave
Blood and Treasure
Brian Appleyard
Brian Micklethwait
Bristling Badger
British Bulldog
Chicken yoghurt
The man on the Clapham omnibus
Copper's Blog
Crooked Timber
The curmudgeon
Ian Dale
Deleted by tomorrow
Devil's Kitchen
Disappointed of West Egg
Doctor Vee
Drink soaked Trostykist popinjays for war
Fat Sparrow
A Fistful of Euros
Flying Rodent
Frank Chalk
Freedom and Whisky
Guest speaker's and writer's corner
Guido Fawkes
Hak Mao
Harry's Place
Horse's Ass Pub
Inspector Gadget
Jah Jah Dub
Japing Ape
Jonny Billericay
Konichiwa Bitches
It's a dog's life
Laban the Tall
A Londoner's Life
Manuel Estimulo
My boyfriend is a twat
Natalie Solent
Nick Barlow
Patrick Crozier
Pooter Geek
Pub philosopher
Scary Duck
Streams of Consciousness
Squander Two
Tampon Teabag
Thin Blue Line
This is this
Tim Worstall
Twenty Major
Where's the Kaboom?

Aunt Jemima
Bete du jour
Blair Necessities
Jessica Coen
Publius Pundit
The People's Republic of Seabrook
Spacestation Shuttle Blog
Tony Pierce
Vice Squad

Eroticalee (Achtung! Not worksafe.)

Caracas Chronicles
The Devil's Excrement
Alfredo Octavio
Venezuela News and Views
Oil Wars
Colombia Reports

Brad Delong
Kim Du Toit

NO2ID Donor

email: harryjhutton{*}yahoo.com

©Not copyright. Take anything you like, I couldn't give a toss.