Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Monday, April 30, 2007
In Britain, the suicide rate among cricketers is twice the national average.


Wednesday, April 25, 2007
The average person will eat 10,800 carrots, shed 121 pints of tears and have sex more than 4,200 times, a television documentary will claim tomorrow.
Much as I suspected. After ten years of Blair, Mr Average Briton now spends his days weeping, stuffing carrots into his yap and having sex, according to the experts. In my town, life isn’t really like that, but no doubt the carrot-eating sex fiends of the north are pulling the averages up.

I see that I am supposed to have sex 4,239 times, in between eating my 15 pigs and 2.3 tons of potatoes. If you want my advice, you need to aim for around 3,500 times by the time you’re 40, then try to knock off the remaining 739 before you get your pension. You've got to plan ahead. You don’t want to be in the position of having to pork the wife when you’re in your eighties. It must be the last thing you need.

When I hit 40 I might just call it a day, and buy one of those American dong-on-a-stick machines instead. That will free up a lot of time for my punishing carrot-eating regimen.

Blair's Britain. It's a living hell.


Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Roy Edroso is having a tuba removed. For what it’s worth, I hope he lives.

When Randolph Churchill had a non-malignant tuba removed, Evelyn Waugh said, “It was a typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant, and remove it.”

That's the only tuba anecdote I can think of right now. Incidentally, why doesn't Edroso get his tubas removed in Cuba, if he likes it so much? Eh?


Saturday, April 21, 2007
Norm Geras, the angry man of British blogging, has linked to a poll of top one-liners. They’re good, but only quite good. I would have gone with:
1. The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.

2. When I was young my Grandmother gave me $5 one day and said, "Don't tell your Mother I gave you this.” I said, “It's gonna cost you more than that.”

3. They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now!

4. -Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
-Winston Churchill: “Get stuffed.”
(Oscar Wilde, Steve Wright, Bob Monkhouse, Winston Churchill)


Wednesday, April 18, 2007
"People don't stop killers," writes the Instapundit. "People with guns do."

The idea is that if one of the Virginia Tech students had had a gun with him, he could have come to the rescue like Dick Dauntless, and shot the Korean maniac.

Well that’s true. But what if 300 students had guns, and they were all on the look-out for a student with a gun? I’m failing to see the genius of this plan, though no doubt I’ve overlooked something obvious.

No guns here in Colombia, thank God. In Bogota there is a place called La Piscina, a much-loved local whore-house, run by one of the country’s most respected paramilitary groups. If you go up to the seventh floor you can buy a bazooka, if bazookas are what you require to protect you from the Koreans. Technically it’s against the law, but so are a lot of things.


Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Back when I started blogging one of the favorite topics of discussion on conservative blogs was the inevitable crash of the euro in favor of the mighty dollar. Most of this had nothing to do with any thought about economics but instead a general association between perceived penis size of your country and the value of its currency (American big and mighty! Europe flaccid and wimpy!)
I remember when you could buy a bag of eels for two farthings.


Monday, April 16, 2007
An email arrives asking where, in my opinion, is the best place in Denver to hide a carcass.

I’m not really the go-to guy on dumping stiffs in Denver. Maybe some of you can help?


Saturday, April 14, 2007
The amount of caffeine in coffee decreases the higher it is grown, but the cocaine content of coca increases with altitude.


Been doing this nonsense for three years now, and where’s it got me? Nowhere. It has simply widened the circle of people who think I’m a dick. That’s all it has achieved.

Here are some of the rave reviews I have received:
“Fuck you, Hutton.”
“I cannot even fathom the fucking depravity of this.”
“You stupid American.”
“Man your ignorant.”
I have also been called a pommy arsehole, a fuckhead, a right-wing eliminationist, a hippy and a Canadian. (“Pommy arsehole” was mighty witty, I’m not denying it, but accusing me of being a Canadian was tasteless and uncalled for. Does it never occur to anyone that I have feelings?)

Tim Worstall started his blog on the same day as this one. He has a lot more readers than I do, but I would remind him that being Britain’s most influential blogger is like being the most influential solver of Rubik’s cubes, or a champion bowler. No one normal gives a toss.

To hell with him.

And sod all the people who come round here leaving comments, trying to cheer everyone up with their wretched jokes and stories. I really hate them, to be honest with you. This one tosser even tried to use my comments section as a place to post his damnable poems, until I enthusiastically deleted them all. I hope he gets hit by a bus.


Friday, April 13, 2007
Killer Fact! Andrew Jackson personally fought in 103 duels.

I have never fought in a duel, though I’ve been beaten up a few times, if that counts. When I was a teenager this guy told me that if he ever saw me again I’d be “floating face down in the canal.” “There is no canal, ya half-wit,” I thought, but kept it to myself.

I wish I’d known what TV show he got this from. It would have added great interest to the occasion. It would have made as much sense to threaten to leave me for the buzzards. That's because the buzzard nests in moorland and hilly crags, you see. No self-respecting buzzard would show its face in High Wycombe. I don't know if any of this interests you.

John “the buzzard” Prescott, as he isn’t known. For when you examine the facts, what is less like a buzzard than John Prescott?


Saturday, April 07, 2007
Just got back from Vegas, baby, what a riot. We were all like frickin wasted at the pool throwing back 40s for breakfast. The place was off the hook with smoking chicks, but there was this like convention in town with like these dicks in suits and shit.

This one dork was bragging about how he’d outperformed the market three years in a row and I’m like that’s nothing I got my bash on last night with this chick with tits out to here.

Then we bust out some deep ball in the parking lot and I took a couple cuts out of the park. Then we get in my buddy’s hummer and we take off down the strip checking all the tight booties, with the super woofers pounding out Verdi’s Requiem.

I was totally wasted.

Todd Mathers


Friday, April 06, 2007
The Flying Rodent is having a go at lifts again:
"So what can be done to reinvigorate the Lift? The answer can only come from the Lift itself, and the prognosis is not good - for as long as it continues to serve only those within its cold embrace rather than offering a coherent vision to society, it will remain irrelevant to the majority of humanity."
Sure, it’s easy to sneer at lifts. But he couldn’t be more wrong. Krugman himself praised the Lift as “still the most effective mass-transit system yet devised.”

As the poet Aerosmith put it:
Love in an elevator
Livin' it up when I'm goin' down
Love in an elevator
Lovin' it up 'til I hit the ground... [my italics]
And how true that is. And never more so than today. Those who oppose the Lift will be left behind, in the dustbin of history.


Wednesday, April 04, 2007
"Talking" CCTV cameras that tell off people dropping litter or committing anti-social behaviour are to be extended to 20 areas across England.
Right, fuck it, time to flee the country. I’m not staying in this stinking place another minute. How do I become an Australian? (Or a Chinaman, I’m not that bothered.)

The talking cameras were first introduced in Middlesbrough, and succeeded in their goal of making life in Middlesbrough even more unpleasant than it already was, so now they are spreading to Reading, Darlington, Blackpool, and several other dog-holes. If you want a vision of the future, imagine a whining stream of orders in a Teeside accent- forever.

Who are these people issuing the orders? If anyone can give me the name and address of one, I’ll follow him around with a bullhorn, yelling impertinent advice in his ear-hole all day. See how he likes it.

I’ll tell you what might work. Instead of badgering everyone from a control centre, they could dress up in nice blue uniforms and go down and stand in the street. We could call them “policemen”.


Monday, April 02, 2007
I eventually decided against signing the John Doe manifesto, on the grounds that I would rather plunge my head into boiling chip fat. It’s based on the idea that to defeat the terrorists, we have to go around with a stupid solemn expression saying, “I am John Doe”.
I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift. I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss.

I am John Doe.
Fucking bunch of half-wits. Anyway, here’s another one, since the way I figure, the more the manifestos the less terrorism:
I am famous for metaphysical poetry. I was vicar of St. Dunstan's-in-the-West. My works employ paradoxes, puns, and subtle yet remarkable analogies.

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe.

I am John Donne.
Send it to your MP and demand to know what he plans to do about John Donne.




Krugman's cat

I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point

The time I punched JK Galbraith

Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?

In Defence of John Prescott

Prescott 2


Jennifer Lopez has been shot!

Nicholas Cage is a tit

A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim

Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss

50 Cent almost too stupid to speak

Ooh, brain hurts

Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman

I'm so angreeee

Ben Affleck

The Magic of Snoop

Inane Dogg

Germaine Greer's gusset


Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan

Correspondence with Boris Johnsons

Ministry of Defence

Thames Valley Police


British Airways- I'll show those fucks


The Polite Society

Is this a library or a bordello?


Israeli Embassy


The Scottish National Party

Garry Bushell

Letter to Gunsmith (1)


Richard Dawkins


Your child is an illiterate cabbage

Like a trouser, yet not a trouser

Why is life so wretched?

Stopping Hitler at Munich

The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk

Non-academic sub-adult clowning

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

No sane man cares about such things

Who, whom?

Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid

The Business English racket

Keith Richards' English level

The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth

Teaching English to cretins

This is a real pain in the arse

I hate teaching English


I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps

Glue sniffers

Yorkshire Yahoos

The British public are deeply stupid

The UK's most successful ethnic group

Violent Britain

The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin

How much do you give a ponce?

Reflections on the British drunk

This septic isle

Thoughts on muggers

Do you want a punch in the mouth?

How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?

Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain

This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists

Many of my best friends are bishops

Britain's Unfunniest Comedian

Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole

Please go away


Shut your cake hole, you lunatic

I don't care about human rights that much

Why I don't take drugs

Someone is getting mugged

I am a victim of crime

That which does not kill you almost kills you

I don't know how much more I can take

Colombian girl santas

The hippos of Pablo Escobar


Dancing on the deck of the Titanic

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

The pros and cons of domestic violence

Life? Don't talk to me about life

The evil Castro cured my cough

Breast implants out of control

Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe

One of those parties that got out of hand

Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?

Don King has lots of good ideas

Chavezfest (1)

Chavezfest (2)


The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft

Pie attacks on Professor Krugman


The Andrew Sullivan Hoax

Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.

If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you

Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time

Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test

The fearless Huffington

Sourpuss Malkin



If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

I am opposed to the hacking off of heads

Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective

Top ten warmongers

Islamic Banking

Knob heads

Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave

Another atrocity


Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

Addio Amore, Addio Razza

If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat

Kim Il Sung's birthday!

Billy Graham in North Korea

North Korea job offer

The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear


People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

Baseball is idiotic

I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting

World Cup diary


Where to buy beer in Gaza

The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip

Someone threw a bomb in our garden

It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die

Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

Twisted gonads

Australians vs. camels

Off with the false whiskers

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation


Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

It doesn't seem to make sense

Fisking the poet Keats






Hong Kong

When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad


Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

Trip to the Orinoco


Personal injury lawyer

President Ahmajinadad


Live-blogging the plane crash

Prison survival tips

Suicide statistics

Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

David Irving

Arab Americans

If you like rock music you must be stupid

Quality of life index

A pogrom of quails

Krugman in Bogota

People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock


The Amis brothers

Haiku on another wasted year


The illusion of plenty



Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

Killer Fact! (Napoleon)

Killer Fact! (Brixton)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland)

Killer Fact! (Pakistan)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Brazil 2)

Killer Fact! (Colombia)

Killer Fact! (France)

Killer Fact! (British National Party)

Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)

Killer Fact! (Vietnam)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Ivory Coast)

Killer Fact! (Sweden)

Killer Fact! (Vegans)

Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)

Killer Fact! (Casanova)

Killer Fact! (James Bond)

Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)

Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)

Killer Fact! (Murder rates)

Killer Fact! (Strangling)

Killer Fact! (Buglaries)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland 2)

Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Evian)

Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)

Killer Fact! (Bollywood)

Killer Fact! (Australian women)

Killer Fact! (Costa Rica)

Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)

Killer Fact! (Jesuits)

Killer Fact! (Iceland)

Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)

Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)

Killer Fact! (North Korea)

Killer Fact! (Red Heads)

Killer Fact! (Death row)

Killer Fact! (Japan)

Killer Fact! (Thailand)

Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)

Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)

Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)

Killer Fact! (First English sentence)

Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)

Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)

Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)

Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)

Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)

Killer Fact! (Iraqi Jews)

Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)

Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)

Killer Fact! (India)

Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)

Killer Fact! (Tories)

Killer Fact! (Frogs)

Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)

Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)

Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)

(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)

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