Running away from dogs- the FUN way to fitness
Vibrating ab-belt changed my life
I was unamused by the kitten photos
Chat up line- guaranteed results!
My iPod is a glorified herd of cows
You are more likely to die in a car crash than be eaten by a fox
Which Spice Girl would you eat first?
Woman says her best friends are cats
They're making great strides in China
Buddha joke 2
It's not my real ladder- it's my step-ladder Hitchens bellows at students, sobs uncontrollably
Capricorn- beware of falling masonry King of the blogs competition! This training day is as welcome as a cockroach in my salad I'm in love with a wonderful helicopter
Man, that's what I call real coffee
The Campaign for Real Swearing
How would you like to get your hands on my dong?
This "election" in our revolted colonies is essentially a form of treason
Hitchens' double bluff irony impasse
(That last one from Decline and Fall.)
Hunting debate. Vote now!
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NOT AS MUCH FUN AS IT LOOKS
North Koreans enjoy a night of horrifying ant-like amusements at the Arirang Festival. Tens of thousands of people train for months to form themselves into the shape of a flower, a rocket, a mug of cocoa, etc. I was trying to think of another activity with an equivalent effort / benefit ratio. Digging up Norwich and rebuilding it 10 metres to the North? Translating Snoop Dogg's autobiography* into Latin? Taking up golf?
More photos here. (Via Simon)
*Tha Doggfather: The Times, Trials, and Hardcore Truths of Snoop Dogg. Or Inane Dogg, as my father calls him.
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ECONOMICS AND POLITICS
I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point
The time I punched JK Galbraith
Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?
CELEBRITY NEWS
A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim
Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss
50 Cent almost too stupid to speak
Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman
MEANINGLESS HOAXES
Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan
Correspondence with Boris Johnsons
British Airways- I'll show those fucks
Is this a library or a bordello?
TEACHING ENGLISH
Your child is an illiterate cabbage
Like a trouser, yet not a trouser The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk
Non-academic sub-adult clowning
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
No sane man cares about such things
Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid
The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth
This is a real pain in the arse
BRITAIN
I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps
The British public are deeply stupid The UK's most successful ethnic group
The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin
Reflections on the British drunk
Do you want a punch in the mouth?
How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?
Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists
Many of my best friends are bishops
Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole
COLOMBIA
Shut your cake hole, you lunatic
I don't care about human rights that much
That which does not kill you almost kills you
I don't know how much more I can take
VENEZUELA
Dancing on the deck of the Titanic
You toucha my pies, I shoota you head
The pros and cons of domestic violence
Life? Don't talk to me about life
The evil Castro cured my cough
Breast implants out of control
Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe
One of those parties that got out of hand
Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?
Don King has lots of good ideas
BLOGGERS
The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft
Pie attacks on Professor Krugman Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.
If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time
Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test
THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR
If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung
I am opposed to the hacking off of heads
Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective
Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave
NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational
If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat
The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear
SPORTS JOURNALISM
People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea Please hit our fans with clubs
I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting
PALESTINE
The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip
Someone threw a bomb in our garden
It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die
Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers
AUSTRALIA
Is it wrong to execute Australians?
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
LITERATURE
Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table
STUDENT WORK
When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad TRAVEL
Christ were those peasants ugly
TODD MATHERS
MISC
Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French If you like rock music you must be stupid
People now idiots- TV to blame
Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock
BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS KILLER FACTS! Killer Fact! (Quality of life index) Killer Fact! (British National Party) Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup) Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)
Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)
Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)
Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)
Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)
Killer Fact! (Australian women)
Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)
Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)
Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)
Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)
Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)
Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)
Killer Fact! (First English sentence)
Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)
Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)
Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)
Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)
Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)
Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)
Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)
Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)
Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)
Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)
Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)
KILLER FACT!
The top countries for counterfeiting dollars, according to the US Secret Service: 1. Mexico
Colombia held the number one spot for two decades, but in the last few years their market share has plunged from 43% to 15%.
2. Israel
3. Colombia
Source: Semana Magazine
KILLER FACT!
Carl Lewis and Martina Navratilova are vegans. River Phoenix was also a vegan, though what he gained by not eating cheese, he lost by taking lethal cocktails of drugs.
UPDATE! It is not true that Hitler was a vegetarian, though he was a teetotaller. It’s lucky he didn’t drink: it might have made him aggressive.
COLOMBIAN DEATH SQUADS DUMP KATE MOSS
Colombian narco-terrorists deserted Kate Moss yesterday as a second paramilitary group dropped her and others sought to distance themselves from the supermodel after reports of her drug use.
The extreme-right AUC had planned to use the catwalk queen in its autumn campaign. A spokesman announced that that the group would no longer accept donations from Ms Moss over concerns for its image.
"We had one project scheduled with Kate for this autumn and in the circumstances both Kate and the death squads have mutually agreed that it is inappropriate to go ahead," said Don Berna, who is wanted for extradition by US authorities.
"We are saddened by her current circumstances and hope that she and Colombia overcome their problems as soon as possible," Berna added.
The Moss-backed AUC. “Have a nice day!”
LIVE BLOGGING THE PLANE CRASH
7.04: The plane is in the air. It’s going to crash land.
7.15: OMG, OMG, it’s going to crash! Arrrgghh!
7.20: It’s the landing gear. According to Sean Hannity it’s buggered. If there’s any more news on that I’ll keep you posted.
7.25: It still hasn’t crashed, but one feels it’s bound to, sooner or later.
7.28: Hannity- is that guy a tosser, or what?
7.31: The plane is still flying around in circles. I’m sure they know what they’re doing. The important thing is not to panic.
7.40: If you panic you’re a gonner.
7.50: The plane is still coming into land. It’s in the hands of the pilots now. They’re all alone up there. They must be pissing into their trousers with dread.
7.52: These people are highly trained.
7.55: Is it blasphemous for man to soar into the heavens in great silver birds?
7.58: This is the kind of thing the pilots are trained for. It will be a challenge for them, but the guy on Fox News thinks they’re ready for it. They are highly trained. They've said that, like, eight times.
7.59: The plane is circling and circling and circling.
8.01: Arrgggh!
8.03: We should perhaps have a moment’s silence for the shareholders. Imagine wiping out a whole planeload of Californians. The legal bills will be horrifying.
8.06: They will make an attempt at landing, soon at the latest.
8.10: Right, I’m bored now. Is Friends on? Fuck, I hate that show.
8.12: I bought some avocadoes earlier. Tasty with mayonnaise. Just popping to the kitchen to fetch one.
8.14: I’m back!
8.17: It’s coming in, it’s coming in.
8.19: Arrggghh!
8.20: Well that was a waste of time. Bit of smoke, a few sparks, but basically a load of hogwash. Right, a cup of tea, I think.
8.28: Oooh, yeah. That hit the spot.
8.30: Guy on Fox News says they’ve got to get everybody off the plane. Everybody. No passenger left behind, not even in Economy Class. I find that very moving. We can learn a lot from these Americans.
8.33: The Business Class passengers are leaving the plane now. They're all right. I repeat: the Business passengers are all right. Thank God for that.
8.45: They let the Economy Class people off too. I think that’s everything.
11.00: End live blogging. Up the stairs to Bedfordshire.
BRITAIN UNDESTROYED BY GOD, FOR SOME REASON
"Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven; and he overthrew those cities."
Why He let us off the hook, I'm not so sure. There are several reasons I would not do this.
UPDATE! Thinking about it, it might be better not to click that link if you are at work. Apologies if you've already been fired.
SCOTS MORE LIKELY TO GET ASSAULTED THAN NORMAL PEOPLE
Scotland is the most violent place on earth, give or take the Sunni Triangle and Brazil’s prisons. A Scot is 7% more likely to get chibbed than an English person, and 15 times as likely as an Italian.
Their Justice Minister blamed the "booze and blade" culture, though many attacks may simply reflect Scottish people's understandable dislike of each other. Either way, it's a non-problem. If mutually-consenting drunks wish to beat each other to death in the privacy of Edinburgh town centre, that is surely a matter for them.
The five most violent developed nations are all English-speaking. This is our great gift to the world, along with parliamentary government, Shakespeare and Benny Hill. 
A night out in Dundee
IT MAKES ME ANGREEEE
"Supermodel Naomi Campbell has demanded a bullet-proof car to drive her around Colombia's gun-ridden capital.
[sic] to judge a modelling competition next Friday and is terrified local gangs may attempt to kidnap her.
Campbell is visiting Bogata
The city has the highest murder rate in the world..."Yeah, well whose fault is that? These "local gangs" work all the hours God sends to provide her and Kate Moss with the drugs they deserve, then she has the fucking crust to come here and demand a bullet-proof car! To protect her from the mayhem she herself has caused! As a Bogata resident I consider myself insulted.
I find this especially hard to take from a woman who comes from a pirates' nest like Streatham. Who are you calling gun-ridden?
ACHIEVE YOUR WEIGHT-LOSS GOALS!
A new weight-loss remedy from Medellin causes diarrhoea, vomiting, nausea, dehydration and heart failure. The pounds just roll off. I suspect they based it on Hutton’s Ground Glass and Toadstool DietTM. Got the idea following a visit to Pizza Hut.
Jeffrey Bernard's exercise routine was to wake up in the morning and cough for ten minutes.
KILLER FACT!
"If there's one thing in the world I can't stand," proceeded Gussie,
49% of Colombians are optimists, according to a Gallup poll, up from 11% a few years ago. I just bought a new sandwich toaster, so I'm feeling pretty optimistic myself. I feel that things will probably turn out OK. Would you like to see it? No problem.
"it's a pessimist... Now, there is an instance of what I mean. Boys and ladies and gentlemen, take a good look at that object standing up there at the back... Bertie Wooster, that is, and as foul a pessimist as ever bit a tiger. I tell you I despise that man. And why do I despise him? Because, boys and ladies and gentlemen, he is a pessimist..."
But I wonder how many other British people would describe themselves as optimistic about the country's future. 3 percent? 10 percent? We should have let those Hong Kong Chinesers in in 1997. That would have revived the place. 
An optimist would say this is half full, whereas a pessimist
would have ten pints lined up at the bar.
KILLER FACT!
Colombia is a highly cultured country, and also highly criminal. Put the two things together and you have a big market in pirated books.1. No Paradise Without Tits*
These are this year's most pirated books, according to the Police and the Colombian Chamber of Books. I have also seen pirated Harry Potters, but I would never take the bread from the mouths of J.K.Rowling’s children.
2. Gentlemen Prefer Stupid Women
3. The History of the Cali Cartel
4. The Real Pablo
5. Positive Attitude
*Sin tetas no hay paraiso. Three days after its publication the author, Gustavo Bolivar, was offered a pirate copy of his own book on a street in Bogota. Three days! Crime here is organised.
FATHER OF THE YEAR
Florida man leaps out of moving car and flees from police, leaving toddler holding cocaine.
(Via FARK)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON MY ROOF?
-"Will you get off my fucking roof?" I shout at him.
JonnyB's Private Secret Diary
-"Yes, but do you fancy a game of darts?"
-"Just get off the roof, or I will shoot you."
-"Go on. Have a game of darts!"
-"I'll shoot you. I will shoot you."
-"Come and play darts!!!"
I pull the window shut and charge downstairs for my gun.The blinds at the embassy cast shadows deep into the room, and since my desk is at the back, I’m able to sit there most afternoons with my pants round my ankles just watching the girls go by.
Joseph McManus
Been meaning to link to these two for a while.
NUDE GIRLS, SLUTS AND PUPPIES
1. games cheat
These are -Killer Fact!- the most popular search engine queries for the last 48 hours, minus the obscene ones (that is to say, most of them). If you email wordtracker, they’ll send you the uncensored version, and most stomach-churning it is too.
2. amoxil
3. hurricane katrina news
4. hurricane katrina
5. poetry
6. top 100 baby names
7. google
8. yahoo
9. ebay
10. paris hilton
"Pre-teen models" are more popular than "hotmail.com"; "animal sex" is more popular than "clitoris"; "dog sex" is more popular than "fuck"; "bestiality" is more popular than "gay"; and "fisting" is more popular than "nude girls", "sluts" and "puppies".
I’ve gone through life thinking of myself as a fairly disgusting individual, but now I discover that I’m Norman Normal compared to many people on the internet. "Horse sex", for example, scores higher than "hot girls", "women", "pam anderson", "orgasm", "breasts", "blow jobs", "Britney Spears naked" and "wet pussy". Indeed, "horse sex" scores higher than "horses". What kind of sick and diseased mind prefers horse sex to Britney Spears naked?
(Found via the disgusting Hungbunny.)
IT HAD QUITE SLIPPED MY MIND
NEVER, NEVER FORGET
Jesus, I’d forgotten all about that. The Brad and Jennifer divorce must have pushed it from my mind. The time they flew those planes into New York... that was really deplorable. I was completely opposed to it. Didn’t that dreadful bearded person have something to do with it? I was having a hand job when I heard the awful news. I dropped everything and rushed off to join the army.
WE WILL NOT FORGET
REMEMBER TODAY AND NEVER FORGET
REMEMBERING MEANS WE'LL NEVER FORGET
DID YOU FORGET? THEN REMEMBER
NEVER FORGET TO REMEMBER
It’s important to remember the events of that terrible day, otherwise we run the risk of forgetting. 
Dreadful bearded person, whose name escapes me.
WHY DON’T THE IRISH LIKE US? WHAT HAVE WE EVER DONE TO THEM?
"England is, in fact, a Constituent Country. A term which describes England, Scotland and Wales; three of the four principal parts of the United Kingdom..."
No sane man cares about any of this. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar in Shanghai, and no one was able to tell them apart because they were so culturally akin as to be indistinguishable. Ba-doom, ba-doom, tish! (From The New Statesman Bumper Book of Jokes).
Why should the English dislike the Scots, or the Scots the English? It’s fucking childish. So what if they pillaged Northumberland 700 years ago? I’ve forgiven them, and so should you. And the Irish; what’s their problem? What have we ever done to them? Cromwell sacked Wexford in 1649. To listen to their plaintive whinging ballads you’d think the fucker had just walked off the car ferry.
Freud called it, "the narcissism of the minor difference." He was another fucker.
Tell us about the time the Black and Tans killed your grandfather, in the comments.
ONE OF MULTICULTURALISM’S GREAT SUCCESS STORIES
New Zealanders are Britain’s most successful ethnic group, according to a report out today. They arrive on our shores with nothing –many have never seen a city before- yet integrate well into British society, despite profound differences of culture and beliefs, and the racism they encounter.
They find the opportunities here that they never had at home.
Dennis Breen (32) from Wanganui is a fund manager for Credit Suisse, yet when he stepped off the boat in 1998 he didn’t even have the price of a cappuccino. He already knew some English phrases, but he found the city a bewildering place, “so many unfamiliar sights and sounds”. For the first five years he worked in the drains, doing the jobs that the British didn’t want. In Britain he has been able to realise his great dream: to work in an office.
“It hurts when they don’t accept you, but I have many English friends,” said Chris McShane (26), who fled New Zealand when soldiers burned his village. “I’ll never forget the first time some English people invited me to their house. They served lamb from a 'supermarket'. In New Zealand if we want to eat lamb we have to strangle it ourselves.”
“I came to Britain to seek a better life for my children.” He dreams of returning to his homeland one day, when the situation is more stable. “But Britain is my home now.”
Huddled masses yearning to breathe free: Kiwi refugees, fleeing persecution in their beautiful yet tragic land.
GLORIA GAYNOR POLL
Gloria Gaynor celebrates her 80th birthday today. To celebrate, let's have a poll:
UPDATE! Sorry, not Gloria Gaynor, it was that other one. I’ve let you down, I’ve let myself down. There is a bottle of Scotch and a loaded revolver in my desk drawer. I will do the decent thing.
I don’t know if this will interest you, but Gina G’s brand new 16 track album “Get Up & Dance” is now on sale.
EARTH’S HUMAN POPULATION SHOULD BE CULLED
Claxton accuses me of "commie propaganda", because my last post was vaguely anti-pollution in tone. There’s nothing “commie” about environmentalism. Communists like pollution; they have a soot fetish. In Communist murals there is a great love of smoke and factories, whereas people like Peter Hitchens, Roger Scruton and Hitler are conservationists.
Though I have my differences with Scruton and Hitler, I too am a conservationist. At university someone said, “Oh, you care more about whales than about people, do you?” and looked very pleased with himself. He obviously thought he had won the debate, so I crossed the room and punched him in the face.
But what if I do? Whales are wonderful creatures, and there is a shortage of whales; there are 6 billion humans, multiplying and filling up the world in verminous foul-smelling swarms; wrecking and laying waste.
They should be culled, by Scruton himself if necessary. I personally should not be culled, since I have a degree. But the others should be.
CONTINUED EXISTENCE OF AUSTRALIANS DIFFICULT TO JUSTIFY
Many of my Venezuelan students were learning English to emigrate to Australia. (To fly from the wrath to come you need an exam called IELTS, or they won’t let you in.)
I do my best to answer their questions, though I’ve never set foot there. It’s a vast dusty wilderness of dingoes, I tell them, but I'd prefer it to Miami. (I don’t understand this obsession with Miami. It’s like Jerusalem to these idiots.)
The other day they asked me if Australia is polluted. Well, the Australians pollute it with their presence, I said, but otherwise not really.
Wrong again, Hutton: Australians produce –Killer Fact!- 30% more greenhouse gases per capita than Americans. And what countervailing good do they do?
On today's Alo Presidente*, Chavez said he has received an apology letter from Pat Robertson: Dear Hugo,
I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings with my “let’s kill the mad dog Chavez” remarks. Calling for someone to be whacked by the CIA can lead to feelings of anger and rejection, and low self-esteem, and I now realize that do you not welcome such assassination bids.Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry I called for your death,
These flowers are for you.
©Hallmark Cards, a card for every occasion.
*Chavez’ Sunday TV show, an eclectic mix of chat, brainwashing propaganda, and singing.
DANCING ON THE DECK OF THE TITANIC
I'm back in Colombia. I was lucky to escape from Venezuela with a whole skin. That place is becoming a crazy launching pad for Muslim extremism.
Some last photos of Caracas:
Middle class Venezuelans dancing on the deck of the Titanic. This was some kind of beauty contest for oldsters. Miss Monagas (second from the left) is 50. 
Revolutionary children’s group, West Caracas. They look like sweet kids, but really they’re dangerous communists. One time they hijacked a fruit truck.
That octagon in the background is one of the Cuban clinics. 
Revolutionary infant.
I’ve heard people use this expression in everyday conversation. Chavez has made the people mad. 
Rich neighbourhood. Lotsa trees. This is where the squalid oligarchical coup-plotting fascists live. (That's an actual quote. Or was it fascistic coup-plotting squalids? It makes no difference, it's foolish in either version.)
My students mostly come from the coup-plotting parts of town. These days they all have horror stories about newly-rich Chavista yobbos moving into their buildings with the sacks of money they've stolen. These ghastly oiks are known as the boliburguesa i.e. Bolivarian bourgousie. "Would you believe, Harry, that they actually drink whisky with their main course?"
The bastards! Have they no decency?
La Vega, one of Caracas' less fashionable districts. 
House, you might call it, where some Colombian refugees live. The guy was a bus driver who transported weapons for the FARC (under duress, he said.) They were forced out of Colombia by the paramilitaries.
Refugee children. Your cocaine dollars at work.
Colombian refugee. In Bogota the paramilitaries ripped out her hair and fired shots at their front door. Since arriving in Caracas she has been raped, her husband has disappeared, her brother-in-law has been beaten up (several times) by the police, and they have received death threats from the gang that rules this area. "This is a country of the damned," she told me. She hasn't seen her daughter since last year.
I've spoken to other refugees, and they all have stories like this. The root cause is not so much the drugs trade, as the malignant rat-like nature of the human race. 
View from the Avila mountain. I’ll be back, as General MacArthur said. Or was it the Terminator?
DO YOU WANT A PUNCH IN THE MOUTH?
Whether Mr Average Briton is more likely to be punched in the mouth than he was a decade ago is an interesting question. When I’m in the UK I get assaulted, on average, about once a fortnight. But this figure has remained more or less stable since I was fifteen: I continue to get punched in the face at about the same rate as I did under the Thatcher government, so I don’t think “moral panic” would be justified. And whether this is evidence of a high crime rate, or simple dislike of me, is hard to say. In other lands I tend not to be the victim of drink-fuelled assaults, though it could just be that they don’t speak English.
If the foreigners could understand what I was saying perhaps they too would punch me in the face.
(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)
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