KILLER QUOTE!
Roy Edroso: "...it [the brutish pig ignorance of college students] may hasten our national descent into a pre-verbal state, whereby all communication is achieved by grunts, clicks, quotations from The Simpsons and Seinfeld, and blasts of machine-gun fire; in such a society I am unlikely to thrive."
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ECONOMICS AND POLITICS
I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point
The time I punched JK Galbraith
Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?
CELEBRITY NEWS
A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim
Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss
50 Cent almost too stupid to speak
Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman
MEANINGLESS HOAXES
Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan
Correspondence with Boris Johnsons
British Airways- I'll show those fucks
Is this a library or a bordello?
TEACHING ENGLISH
Your child is an illiterate cabbage
Like a trouser, yet not a trouser The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk
Non-academic sub-adult clowning
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
No sane man cares about such things
Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid
The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth
This is a real pain in the arse
BRITAIN
I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps
The British public are deeply stupid The UK's most successful ethnic group
The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin
Reflections on the British drunk
Do you want a punch in the mouth?
How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?
Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists
Many of my best friends are bishops
Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole
COLOMBIA
Shut your cake hole, you lunatic
I don't care about human rights that much
That which does not kill you almost kills you
I don't know how much more I can take
VENEZUELA
Dancing on the deck of the Titanic
You toucha my pies, I shoota you head
The pros and cons of domestic violence
Life? Don't talk to me about life
The evil Castro cured my cough
Breast implants out of control
Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe
One of those parties that got out of hand
Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?
Don King has lots of good ideas
BLOGGERS
The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft
Pie attacks on Professor Krugman Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.
If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time
Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test
THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR
If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung
I am opposed to the hacking off of heads
Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective
Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave
NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational
If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat
The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear
SPORTS JOURNALISM
People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea Please hit our fans with clubs
I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting
PALESTINE
The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip
Someone threw a bomb in our garden
It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die
Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers
AUSTRALIA
Is it wrong to execute Australians?
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
LITERATURE
Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table
STUDENT WORK
When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad TRAVEL
Christ were those peasants ugly
TODD MATHERS
MISC
Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French If you like rock music you must be stupid
People now idiots- TV to blame
Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock
BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS KILLER FACTS! Killer Fact! (Quality of life index) Killer Fact! (British National Party) Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup) Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)
Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)
Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)
Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)
Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)
Killer Fact! (Australian women)
Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)
Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)
Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)
Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)
Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)
Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)
Killer Fact! (First English sentence)
Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)
Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)
Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)
Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)
Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)
Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)
Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)
Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)
Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)
Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)
Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)
DEATH HAVE I SOUGHT IN VAIN*
Terri Schiavo is dead. In my opinion she should be frozen. Hundreds of years in the future, scientists will be able to make her walk around in short jerks using electric pulses.
Do you think that's in poor taste? If it's OK to use science to keep her going ping-ping-ping in a hospital, why not make her move around a bit while you're at it? She won't be present in either case, having died in 1990. This modern fad for trying to turn speechless vegetables into immortal vegetables, with the aid of technology, seems to me grotesque and blasphemous. If the brain is dead, that’s dead enough for me. Just how dead does one have to be to satisfy these people?"The times have been, that, when the brains were out, the man would die, and there an end..." (Macbeth).
Those were the days. Now you’ll have packs of religious busybodies showing up to poke their long noses in. I would like to state now, for the record, that when my noggin finally packs up and Hutton the Cabbage is bleeping precariously on a respirator, you may feel free to unplug the thing. Or leave it on, I’m not that bothered. Have me stuffed, feed me to a pack of dingoes... I couldn't give a toss; I won't be there. All I ask is this: if anyone tries to read the Bible at me as I lie there drooling, please throw them out.
*Richard Wagner, The Flying Dutchman
HATE MAIL TO THE USUAL ADDRESS
Q. What's the difference between Sven-Göran Eriksson and Terri Schiavo?
A. One's a Swede; the other's a cabbage.
UPDATE! david c points out a possible Unintended Consequence: "Killing any single American for being an insensible, drooling vegetable could be the thin end of a fairly sizeable wedge."
"I HAVE OFTEN WALKED DOWN THIS STREET BEFORE...
...but the pavement never struck me in the teeth before."
Protesters in Peru hurling lumps of road at buses and police. Twenty minutes ago I could have told you what they were protesting about. (I filed it under "Important, but not to me," along with the Schiavo case and "Kyrgyzstan names interim leader".)
They certainly seemed pissed off about it, whatever it was. Don't think I've ever been that furious.
LET OBSERVATION WITH EXTENSIVE VIEW...
I’m going to Peru, so I’ll be away for a couple of weeks. But if they have internets, I’ll be in touch.
THE FORBES BORE LIST
Reynolds is gleeful about the Cuban dictator making the Forbes Rich List.
In a way, the Instapundit has always reminded me of Fidel Castro. What I mean is the tireless, obsessive way they have of going over and over the same old themes, day after day, year after year, until you wonder they don’t bore even themselves. It's hard to say who's a bigger pain in the arse.
When I was in Venezuela he showed up and sang a duet with Hugo Chavez [Castro, not the Instapundit]. It was one of the oddest things that has ever been broadcast. And when he was boarding his plane to leave, Chavez blew kisses at him. A fine pair of lunatics.
WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS IS WITTY POLICEMEN
My friend Brian Micklethwait is complaining that Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry was "not as eloquent as he should have been."
A few years ago, some film students at the Great Yarmouth College of Higher Education made a movie called Articulate Harry (it was subsidised by the East Anglia Cartoon Collective, using lottery money). He would mow down punks with Oscarish put-downs every bit as devastating as a .44 Magnum.
"I don’t shoot accurately -anyone can shoot accurately- but I shoot with wonderful expression." That was his catch-phrase.
Articulate Harry got nowhere.
KILLER FACT!
There is 200 times as much arson* as there was a century ago. There is also 265 times as much blackmail, 85 times as much child abduction and 93 times as much burglary.
On the other hand, horse theft and sacrilege are down, and "habitual drunkenness" has plunged to zero, according to official figures. Got that one under control in England. 1903 2003 Arson 263 53,200 Blackmail 5 1,325 Burglary 9,590 888,951 Child abduction 10 846
*Recorded arson. The amount of unrecorded arson was not recorded.
I HAVE A JEST TO EXECUTE THAT I CANNOT MANAGE ALONE*
It is getting harder and harder to do these hoaxes. The whole point of the thing is to print their gormless replies, but no one responds to email anymore. For that library / bordello thing I had to send over thirty emails to get a single two-line response. I wouldn’t say that this was a waste of my time, since this would imply that how I might otherwise have spent it would have been of great value, when I would probably have passed the afternoon typing "fat girls" and "barely legal" into search engines. Nonetheless, it was inefficient.
You are more likely to get a response using the normal post, but I don’t have a UK or US address. If you are lucky enough to live in Mud Island or the Land of the Freak, and you don’t mind printing and posting a bunch of letters to Senators, etc., please get in touch.
Bogol and Lenin are already helping, bless their warm little hearts.
Update! By the way, they might put you on a database of suspected loons. In 1999 I faxed that letter about sniping to some gunsmiths in London. Not one, not two, but ten policemen showed up at my flat -eight plods, two plain-clothes- and asked a lot of insulting questions: was I on medication?; was there a history of mental illness in my family?, etc.
*Poins, Henry IV part 1
TRIP RUINED BY GUERRILLAS, HAEMORRHOIDS
"I want to give two brief examples of things that have happened to me in Colombia. I was kidnapped by guerrillas and I had haemorrhoid surgery. In both cases I was prepared to die. After all, death is part of reality, too. But I chose to confront each situation in a friendly way."
Comment on a Colombian discussion forum.
KILLER FACT!
British Policemen are trained to catch swans. And they dont just throw a coat over it, as Jeeves did; they use their superior brain power to outwit the swan. Its a question of style.
Even Canada geese are no match, intellectually, for the British Bobby.
IS THIS A LIBRARY OR A BORDELLO?
TO A MUNICIPAL LIBRARY, ANCHORAGE, ALASKA:
Dear Sir or Woman,
I would like to apply for the position of Chief Librarian. I don't come cheap, I'm afraid, but if you want the best you've got to pay. I'll require $800,000 and my own telephone, but you'll probably recoup most of that when I start firing people. I'll also be needing a secretary (I don't do blondes. If I turn up and it's a blonde, or a fat chick, heads will roll. I mean it.)
Weeks [Art Weeks, Municipal Librarian] is finished. I could wipe the floor with that guy. We can't afford to be sentimental. It's time to cut costs and trim the fat if we're to keep up with China. Let's face it, Mother Teresa wouldn't get far in the cut-throat world of Alaska public libraries.
Always zap the other guy before he zaps you. There are no prizes for coming second.
Let's go nuclear!
Yours faithfully,
Harry Hutton
P.S. If I get the job, there'll be a little something in for you personally, if you know what I mean. I'm a guy who takes care of his own. But get on the wrong side of me and I'll make you sorry you were born.
(NO REPLY)
TO A MUNICIPAL LIBRARY, ANCHORAGE, ALASKA:
I sent this message yesterday, and I still haven't received a reply. Just what the hell is going on? Is this a library you're running... or a bordello? It's coming out of my taxes, whatever it is.
I could buy that place and have you all fired: I am very good friends with the Mayor. My aim is to drag this library or bordello into the 21st century, whatever the cost, whoever gets hurt. The library replies:
TO HARRY HUTTON:
Sir, I'm not sure what your specific complaint is and thus do not know how to reply. The position you seek is not currently open.
TO A MUNICIPAL LIBRARY, ANCHORAGE, ALASKA:
Thank you very much for your reply. I’m sorry if I seemed aggressive- some Arabs shot my cat. I can laugh about it now, of course, though at the time I was rather annoyed.
I feel we got off on the wrong foot. The fault was possibly mine.
Are there any other vacancies that you know of? My parole officer says it is important for me to find work as soon as possible, to reintegrate into the community. Even if it’s only dusting the books, or breaking up fights. I could start at the bottom and work my way up. Is it necessary to speak Latin to work in your library?
I don’t know much Latin, but I have the gift of communicating with bears. If you like I can send you my resume.
(NO REPLY)
FRENCH ANTI-SEMITISM WATCH
Killer Fact!- Since WW2 France has had three Jewish Prime Ministers -Léon Blum, Pierre Mendès-France and René Mayer- three more than all the English-speaking countries combined.
HE THINKS HE'S GOT PROBLEMS
Aslan Maskhadov, the Chechen rebel leader, has been killed by Russian troops.
He thinks he’s got problems; I'm about to be knocked off the top of Google by Harry Hutton the Miracle Kid. I wanted to sue, but apparently he’s got the laws stacked on his side.
A twelve year old boy with a rare brain syndrome: the jury’s gonna love that, aren’t they?
THE BORE’S CRAFT
"I'm thinking of buying a flat-panel TV for the bedroom," drones the Instapundit. "I've been looking at this one, though the Insta-Wife, somewhat more ambitiously, wants this one, instead... I want to mount it on the wall, too. Is a wall bracket like this one a good idea?"
Is he joking? I mean, is he really writing about the TV in his bedroom, or is there some hidden wit and profundity here that I have missed? If this is intended seriously, then I take my hat off to him: we are in the presence of one of the greatest masters of the bore’s craft who ever lived.
But I suspect there was some satirical intent that went over my head. I am not a sophisticated man. My nephew, however, is in his second year of Irony Studies at Oxford. He writes:"The screen is flat, but then life can be flat, can’t it, Harry? It is obviously his ironic "take" on the consumer society. Here I am, he is saying, a Tennessee Sisyphus, vainly heaping and hoarding my TVs and my wall brackets. But do my wall brackets make me happy? And what are the brackets that wall about our life, but non-existence and dusty death? Death will part screen and me. Time shall scatter all. And all the wall brackets in the world cannot save me."
The other possibility, that there are hundreds of thousands of people who want to read about this man’s television set, is too depressing to contemplate.
WHY DID THEY NAME THEIR STUPID PRESIDENT AFTER MY CAT?
RE: the previous post:- "I hate my name. I mean, you have a kid, a little baby boy, and the best you can do with it is to name it John?" (John Self in Money.)
Well I like the name. I think I’ll call my next cat John, when the current two -Budget Deficit and Field Marshall Rommel- have croaked. Ball Bag’s cat is called George W. Bush- "Why did they name their stupid president after my cat?" It’s a good question.
- "I pity any woman who is married to a man called John." (Gwendolen in The Importance of Being Earnest.)
Update! Barry the Thick writes in to ask what kind of cats they are. They are Chocolate Burmese: top-of-the-range, luxury cats, because I, personally, would never settle for anything less. I won’t post a picture- that would be an invasion of their privacy.
Concerning Ball Bag’s cat, Jim Leitzel has argued that the "person" we know as George W. Bush is merely an avatar, and the cat is in control, ruling the USA and the earth. You can believe that if you like, I suppose. He’s making a shocking hash of it, whoever it is.
HOLY OAF
Excellent news for Ball Bag: on my latest CV (resume) I have promoted him to Bishop. Dr Bag of Oxford wasn't impressing anyone; but with a character reference from Bishop Bag, there is nothing I can't do. The bad news is that unless I make him Sultan of Zanzibar I think he’s gone about as high as he can go.
If he gets any phone-calls, I hope the oaf will do his best to sound holy, and remember to stress that I am fundamentally a good person. I leave it to him to decide what kind of bishop to be: whether a traditional droning style bishop, going on about sins; or a pain-in-the-arse anti-war style bishop mouthing off on Question Time. There are bishops and there are bishops, as I’m sure you are aware.
KILLER FACT!
The word "cunt" appears more frequently in The Guardian than in any other newspaper in the world. Coincidentally, so does...
Punchline come from far away.
I THINK THAT HAIRDRESSER WAS GAY
So I’m walking down the street in Bogotá, when I pass a hairdresser’s. There are teenage girls in miniskirts milling around inside. Ooh yeah, I thought, I could use some of that. So I stroll on in. I needed a haircut anyway.
Then when I’m sitting down with the towel tucked in, the girls all vanish, and this sumptuous old Gaylord appears from somewhere to do the snipping.
It’s a form of fraud. He made a real dog’s breakfast of my rug, too. Now it’s all different lengths, and boils up in foolish tufts on the top. He had special scissors that "thin" the barnet by cutting some hairs but not others. In practice it means that some hairs are long enough to lie flat, but the hairs next to them are so short that they stand on end. When I looked in the mirror at the end I could not get over how ugly and stupid I looked. "Thanks very much," I said. "That’s great".
No doubt they all had a good laugh at my expense when I was gone.
HASSLE FROM THE PIGS
Bogotá. Someone keeps murdering taxi drivers. They’ve killed 5 since Sunday night, and now the army have put roadblocks all over the city. They stopped me on the way to work this morning and wanted to see my Identity Card.
I told them that, as an Englishman, I do not have such a thing. As a British subject, I may not be stopped unless the pigs have reasonable grounds to suspect that I am a wrong doer, or a bad apple. Until next year, that is, when I will be required to produce a lump of skin and a photocopy of my arse every time I wish to borrow a library book. Vote Labour, by the way.
I tried to explain some of this to the Colombian Army, but it didn’t really compute. Reminds me of the time I tried to explain the House of Lords to my Brazilian students: "Some of them are French Barons, you see, who invaded us in the 11th century; others got in because they bribed a man called Lloyd George; most of the rest were appointed by the Prime Minister. But some of them –I swear this is true- are bishops!"
"Huh?" they said.
*Note for American readers: The Metropolitan Police Force was founded by Sir Robert Peel, hence their affectionate nickname "the pigs".
(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)
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