Running away from dogs- the FUN way to fitness
Vibrating ab-belt changed my life
I was unamused by the kitten photos
Chat up line- guaranteed results!
My iPod is a glorified herd of cows
You are more likely to die in a car crash than be eaten by a fox
Which Spice Girl would you eat first?
Woman says her best friends are cats
They're making great strides in China
Buddha joke 2
It's not my real ladder- it's my step-ladder Hitchens bellows at students, sobs uncontrollably
Capricorn- beware of falling masonry King of the blogs competition! This training day is as welcome as a cockroach in my salad I'm in love with a wonderful helicopter
Man, that's what I call real coffee
The Campaign for Real Swearing
How would you like to get your hands on my dong?
This "election" in our revolted colonies is essentially a form of treason
Hitchens' double bluff irony impasse
(That last one from Decline and Fall.)
Hunting debate. Vote now!
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FUN AND SUNSHINE: THERE'S ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE
A beautiful tropical evening, here on the Colombian coast. This is life as it should be lived. Cocktail in hand, breezes coming in off the sea, and the murderous pounding of reggaeton through the floorboards. I like to see the young people enjoying themselves. Shakespeare put it best when he said, 'Fun and sunshine: there's enough for everyone.' A couple of people just had a fight outside my hotel door. Some harpy kept shrieking, 'Let go of his leg.'
There must have been some kind of dispute, which resulted in someone’s leg getting seized. Life is often like that.
A beautiful evening on Colombia's coast, and not even Mrs Thatcher can stop me enjoying it.
Eating lobster is good for the skin, but it isn’t any good for the lobster. I shot this one myself.
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ECONOMICS AND POLITICS
I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point
The time I punched JK Galbraith
Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?
CELEBRITY NEWS
A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim
Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss
50 Cent almost too stupid to speak
Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman
MEANINGLESS HOAXES
Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan
Correspondence with Boris Johnsons
British Airways- I'll show those fucks
Is this a library or a bordello?
TEACHING ENGLISH
Your child is an illiterate cabbage
Like a trouser, yet not a trouser The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk
Non-academic sub-adult clowning
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
No sane man cares about such things
Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid
The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth
This is a real pain in the arse
BRITAIN
I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps
The British public are deeply stupid The UK's most successful ethnic group
The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin
Reflections on the British drunk
Do you want a punch in the mouth?
How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?
Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists
Many of my best friends are bishops
Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole
COLOMBIA
Shut your cake hole, you lunatic
I don't care about human rights that much
That which does not kill you almost kills you
I don't know how much more I can take
VENEZUELA
Dancing on the deck of the Titanic
You toucha my pies, I shoota you head
The pros and cons of domestic violence
Life? Don't talk to me about life
The evil Castro cured my cough
Breast implants out of control
Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe
One of those parties that got out of hand
Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?
Don King has lots of good ideas
BLOGGERS
The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft
Pie attacks on Professor Krugman Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.
If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time
Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test
THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR
If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung
I am opposed to the hacking off of heads
Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective
Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave
NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational
If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat
The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear
SPORTS JOURNALISM
People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea Please hit our fans with clubs
I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting
PALESTINE
The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip
Someone threw a bomb in our garden
It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die
Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers
AUSTRALIA
Is it wrong to execute Australians?
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
LITERATURE
Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table
STUDENT WORK
When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad TRAVEL
Christ were those peasants ugly
TODD MATHERS
MISC
Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French If you like rock music you must be stupid
People now idiots- TV to blame
Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock
BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS KILLER FACTS! Killer Fact! (Quality of life index) Killer Fact! (British National Party) Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup) Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)
Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)
Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)
Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)
Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)
Killer Fact! (Australian women)
Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)
Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)
Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)
Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)
Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)
Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)
Killer Fact! (First English sentence)
Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)
Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)
Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)
Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)
Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)
Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)
Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)
Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)
Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)
Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)
Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)
GHOULISH GLEE
Saturday Night Live have been caught using canned laughter, to create the illusion that the entertainment is entertaining.
P.G. Wodehouse once made the point that, statistically, some of the people in canned laughter tracks will have died by the time the show is broadcast. So when you watch Friends you are hearing the mummified mirth of people who died during the Clinton administration, and now lie in the earth rotting.
Joey Tribbiani cracks wise, to the hideous, chilling laughter of the undead.
OPEN THREAD
I’m away at the moment, but here is an open thread so that you, the ordinary man in the street, can have your say about the issues of the day.
Today’s issue: is it wrong to shoplift?
KILLER FACT!
Key findings:
-There are 0 people in the U.S. named Snoop Diddy.
-While it is true that there are four Paul Krugmans, there is no such person as Adolf Blenkinsop.
-There are 503 people people named George Bush, but no one is called Orifice Bush, or George Twat.
-There is only one Hugh Janus.
NONCE ATLAS
The Sun has published a thought-provoking Nonce Map of the British Isles, showing where the UK’s sex beasts live. (Data from the probation service.)
Humberside, home to John Prescott MP, comes top, followed by Norfolk, where 83.6% of the bumpkins are now electronically tagged. 
The head of the probation service said that future targets need to be more outcome-focussed and less process-based to get real staff buy-in.
CAPTION COMPETITION
UPDATE! I don’t know if this will interest you, but I actually bought a spoon this weekend, a spoon not unlike this one. I could have put the money into the property market, but I thought it was better to play it safe. Otherwise, if I lost my job or anything happened to my kids, I wouldn’t have a spoon.
UPDATE 2! I’ve just remembered that I don’t have any kids. Except to the extent that the spoon is like a son to me, the son I never had.
KILLER FACT!
Boris Johnsons’ great-grandfather was Interior Minister in the Ottoman Empire. He later had the misfortune to be stoned to death by a bunch of Turks. And to this day Johnsons himself is a quarter Turkish. 
An Old Etonian Turkish Tory. He must be a crook.
THERE ARE TOO MANY GODDAMNED PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET
'Your parents didn’t think about what they were doing for a second. They just reproduced like dumb apes, and here you are- part of the problem.'
Message to the 300 millionth American, born today. From Dr Scott Dikkers.
KILLER FACT!
60% of cannabis in Britain is home-grown.
UPDATE! Incidentally, have you ever seen the FBI’s glossary of drug slang? Their underworld informants were obviously taking the piss.-I got some Sweet Lucy for you, dude.
I asked for some wild cat dagga dagga last time I was in Harlem. It turned out to be a glass of sherry.
-No, thanks. I think perhaps I’ll snop some squirrel instead.
JAPAN BANS NORTH KOREAN IMPORTS
Japan has banned imports from North Korea. Look at these Japanese kids. Poor little chaps. Nothing is more heart-breaking than the tears on a child’s face when it goes to bed without its plutonium. If they keep this up, North Korea is in danger of becoming a pariah state.
The evil Kim Jong Il. Hobbies include huntin', shootin' and fission. Sent that one to Jay Leno, possibly the only person on earth less funny than Kim Jong Il-in-the-head.
CENSORSHIP
As well as YouTube, there is also now PornoTube, for persons requiring shaven amateurs, and things of that kind.
I’ve been banned for uploading videos of Al Gore speeches.
I WOULD BOYCOTT THEIR PRODUCTS, IF THEY HAD ANY PRODUCTS
North Korea has tested a nuclear weapon, despite my urging them not to. Think I'll stay in bed today. There doesn't seem much point in saving for retirement anymore. Here’s a video of people getting kicked in the nuts, to while away the time until species extinction. It's pretty amusing.
(Via Blogrot)
A SWEATY FACED LOUT SINGING LOVE SONGS
"George Melly your a repulsive sweaty faced lout singing love songs. Why your past it. Hang your gun up. And all your dirty jokes leave them to the real comedians. You have a mouth like a ducks ass. Have you only one suit and shabby at that. And your dirty suggestive songs. Somebody ought to tell you. You dirty minded oaf. Your a load of rubbish."
Roy Edroso has written a post "in praise of invective" about the joys of insulting people. That one was a nonamous letter to George Melly.
My favourite insult ever directed at me personally was "tea-sucking limey asshole".
CALL NO MAN A PERVERT
Some recent sex scandals, in no particular order: Bill Clinton- pushed a cigar up an intern.
I strongly approve of all these activities, of course, but whatever happened to good old-fashioned fucking? The only public figure still making the effort would seem to be John Prescott.
Stephen Milligan M.P.- found dead wearing stockings with an orange in his mouth during government morality campaign.
Bill O’Reilly- made foul phone calls with a vibrator up his rear loader (allegedly).
Mark Foley- sent obscene emails to 16-year old boys.
As for Foley, I simply cannot see that he has done anything wrong, apart from joining the Republican Party in the first place, which was disgusting but perfectly legal. At 16 you are old enough to get married and join the army, but not old enough to receive emails asking perfectly reasonable questions about your dick measurements? The world’s gone mad.
Call no man a pervert. Just look inside your own head. Nasty, eh?
WELL I NEVER!
Using thermal imaging technology, scientists have discovered that watching Mr Bean clips does not produce sexual arousal in men or women.
They also found that “women become sexually aroused as quickly as men.” Not when I’m around, they don’t. Gonna have to work on that smooth talk. I’ve been falling at the first hurdle, asking if they want to come back to my place and watch some Bean videos.
Back to the drawing board, I guess.
(via fark)
JACKASS: THE MOVIE- IT MAKES YOU LAUGH AND IT MAKES YOU THINK
Good news. The new Jackass film took $29 million in its opening weekend. I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m really looking forward to it. The first one was a flawless masterpiece.
Steve-O can say more about Bush’s America by running through an alligator pit with a chicken tied to his arse than Thomas Friedman could say in a hundred columns.
And the scene in which Dave England –a real genius, in my opinion- wittily takes a dump in a hardware store, as customers look on in disgust, is simply outstanding. With a single satirical turd he challenges our taboos about defecating in hardware stores, and exposes the hypocrisy of a society that condemns a man for excreting out of turn, but sees nothing wrong in spending billions of dollars on weapons each year.
What is more sickening, he is saying, a man having a dung in a shop, or America’s refusal to ratify the Kyoto Treaty? Jackass raises some important questions.
In this clip the genius Steve-O dangles above alligators with a raw chicken attached to his jockstrap. In the US a lot of the humour goes over their heads, unfortunately.
(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)
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