Running away from dogs- the FUN way to fitness
Vibrating ab-belt changed my life
I was unamused by the kitten photos
Chat up line- guaranteed results!
My iPod is a glorified herd of cows
You are more likely to die in a car crash than be eaten by a fox
Which Spice Girl would you eat first?
Woman says her best friends are cats
They're making great strides in China
Buddha joke 2
It's not my real ladder- it's my step-ladder Hitchens bellows at students, sobs uncontrollably
Capricorn- beware of falling masonry King of the blogs competition! This training day is as welcome as a cockroach in my salad I'm in love with a wonderful helicopter
Man, that's what I call real coffee
The Campaign for Real Swearing
How would you like to get your hands on my dong?
This "election" in our revolted colonies is essentially a form of treason
Hitchens' double bluff irony impasse
(That last one from Decline and Fall.)
Hunting debate. Vote now!
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WHAT THEY DON'T TEACH YOU AT HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL
"Everyone who lost money on Enron, as in almost every financial scandal ever, was a greedy thick fuck," argues the Pigdogfucker.
Well that’s true. I happen to be a greedy thick fuck myself, and know whereof I speak. First there was the 1997 Asian financial crisis, in which $4 trillion were wiped off share values. This included most of the loot my evil old father had left me, and I was reduced to teaching English, like a bum. Where is it now? Greenspan tried to claim that the money had just sort of vanished out of existence, but this never struck me as terribly plausible. I like to think the pixies have got it.
Then I went into derivatives trading as a way of "hedging the bears". For example, I recently sold 500 tonnes of zinc that I do not own, and which may not exist, and used the proceeds to buy cabbage futures. I am betting, you see, that it is a good zinc harvest, but an annus horribilis for the cabbage. It’s called arbitrage. I don’t really understand how it works, but basically if the price goes up I’ll make millions; and if it goes down I’ll grow a beard and move to Australia and start a new life selling didgeridoos, or whatever the hell it is that people do down there.
A couple of weeks ago the Fraud Squad called me in for questioning. It turned out that they weren’t the Fraud Squad at all, but a bunch of impostors.
Buy cabbage!
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ECONOMICS AND POLITICS
I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point
The time I punched JK Galbraith
Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?
CELEBRITY NEWS
A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim
Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss
50 Cent almost too stupid to speak
Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman
MEANINGLESS HOAXES
Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan
Correspondence with Boris Johnsons
British Airways- I'll show those fucks
Is this a library or a bordello?
TEACHING ENGLISH
Your child is an illiterate cabbage
Like a trouser, yet not a trouser The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk
Non-academic sub-adult clowning
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
No sane man cares about such things
Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid
The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth
This is a real pain in the arse
BRITAIN
I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps
The British public are deeply stupid The UK's most successful ethnic group
The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin
Reflections on the British drunk
Do you want a punch in the mouth?
How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?
Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists
Many of my best friends are bishops
Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole
COLOMBIA
Shut your cake hole, you lunatic
I don't care about human rights that much
That which does not kill you almost kills you
I don't know how much more I can take
VENEZUELA
Dancing on the deck of the Titanic
You toucha my pies, I shoota you head
The pros and cons of domestic violence
Life? Don't talk to me about life
The evil Castro cured my cough
Breast implants out of control
Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe
One of those parties that got out of hand
Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?
Don King has lots of good ideas
BLOGGERS
The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft
Pie attacks on Professor Krugman Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.
If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time
Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test
THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR
If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung
I am opposed to the hacking off of heads
Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective
Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave
NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational
If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat
The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear
SPORTS JOURNALISM
People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea Please hit our fans with clubs
I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting
PALESTINE
The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip
Someone threw a bomb in our garden
It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die
Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers
AUSTRALIA
Is it wrong to execute Australians?
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
LITERATURE
Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table
STUDENT WORK
When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad TRAVEL
Christ were those peasants ugly
TODD MATHERS
MISC
Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French If you like rock music you must be stupid
People now idiots- TV to blame
Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock
BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS KILLER FACTS! Killer Fact! (Quality of life index) Killer Fact! (British National Party) Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup) Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)
Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)
Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)
Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)
Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)
Killer Fact! (Australian women)
Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)
Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)
Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)
Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)
Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)
Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)
Killer Fact! (First English sentence)
Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)
Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)
Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)
Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)
Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)
Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)
Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)
Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)
Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)
Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)
Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)
KILLER FACT!
France has won more Nobel Prizes for literature than any other country. The best-selling book in French history is Le Code Da Vinci.
God, how depressing.
I’M FOREVER THROWING BOTTLES
Some splendid punch-ups in Germany this evening. A tiny minority of several thousand drunks appear to have destroyed central Stuttgart. You’ll never guess where they are from. The English hooligan is second to none.
Before every World Cup the know-alls always try to run our hooligans down, saying that this time the real threat comes from Dutch and German fans, or the Poles, or neo-Nazis from Lapland. Wrong again, chaff-heads. Sadly, my enjoyment of the fighting was marred once again by the minority of idiots who insist on playing football.
Ecuador tomorrow. No sweat. The Ecuadorean hooligan is second to all. 
I wish the German police would attack these dreadful people with cattle-prods.
Another scurrilous attack on Adolf Hitler. Instead of trying to refute his arguments the left just call him a Nazi, and compare him to the fruitcake Coulter.
Click the button to take the Hitler vs. Rolf Harris* quiz, if you have nothing more interesting to do. 
*a fascist
ARSENAL OF WEAPONS
From today’s Sun:"If violence does break out rapid reaction squads and riot police are positioned close by and ready with an arsenal of weapons."
As opposed to what? An arsenal of rabbits?
I caught The Sun in a tautology! What a triumph.
ATTENTION DAILY KOS!
Dsquared, whom you use as an example of a Republican hate-monger, is: a) English; b) left-wing; and c) a writer for The Guardian.
Hats off.
UPDATE! It turns out he’s Welsh. Nothing wrong with that, of course.
WORLD CUP DIARY
-The World Cup is always a magical time for me. It takes me back to my childhood, standing on the terraces at Wigan with my old Dad, eatin’ pies.
I never found out what we were doing there. I hated football, and my father was mostly into elephant polo. Nor did he ever give me any of his pies. I remember when I was eight he said to me, “You’re basically just an arsehole.”
-Apparently, a lot of black Britons are supporting African teams in this tournament. A couple of World Cups ago I was in Rafah in the Gaza Strip, and the Palestinians were all cheering for Tunisia and Morocco, and dusty places generally. Yet Europeans don’t seem to be afflicted by this kind of ethnic solidarity. At any rate, when Sweden score I don’t think, “Yes! Another victory for the whites!”
If anything, it slightly annoys me when they win. They think they are so great with their social spending. “Ve are not haffing the beggars in Sveeden.” As far as I’m concerned, they can get stuffed.
-Oh to be in England, now that football’s there, to drive around beeping my car horn like a cunt, and taunt my idiot countrymen in German. “Ha! Ha! One-nil, Englisher dumbkopfs.” The expression of hatred on their dumb resentful faces sends my pleasure sensors soaring.
Most of them are too thick even to insult me properly, though sometimes they’ll come back with, “Two World Wars and one World Cup,” which I always counter with, “Three World Cups and one economic miracle,” and then Deutschland Uber Alles or the Horst Wessel Song. During Italia 90 I got in three different fights. It’s always a magical time for me.
LIFE SAVED BY KOS, BORIS JOHNSONS
From the Daily Kos*:Hello all... I got to meet a bunch of you during the convention and had a fabulous time. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that it might save my life.
I am not easily moved to tears, but this post had me crying like a baby. Just think... he could have been... and the little ones are safe?... thank God for that!
I just got a call that someone "crashed my gate" and drove through my office and my daughter's room. Had we been home I would have been working at my desk, and she would have been sleeping in bed. Instead, I was here, so the family's fine... I can now honestly say "Thank you for everything, YearlyKos."
Kos once saved my life too. I was reading a post about Senator Joseph Lieberman, and it was so dull that I got up to run my head under a cold tap. Just then this assagai comes flying through the window. Zulus! Fuck! If it hadn’t been for Kos, I could have wound up in a cooking pot. I’ll always be grateful to him for that.
Anyway, so we formed a laager, called for reinforcements and went all Rorke’s Drift on their arses, and it all ended happily with a glorious slaughter of tribesmen. That was the day Boris Johnsons won the Victoria Cross.
*Tedious website about American politics.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE
BOGOTA- A new beat is mugging the nation’s eardrums. They are Calle 13 from Puerto Rico. Their work is described as a fusion of hip hop, rap and reggaeton. What could be more agreeable?
They have just released a new track of absolutely the maximum facetiousness. [See above.] Every coffee shop, bar, car radio and supermarket is currently playing it, and if I’m exposed to much more I might just have a fit and bite someone. This, however, is possibly marginally worse. I haven’t heard a song this witless and infuriating since Twisting by the Pool by Dire Straits. And yet, short of moving to a cave in Scotland, it is inescapable.
I’ll never forget the summer of 96. The European Championships were on, and everyone was singing Football’s Coming Home, and a song about who ate all the pies. They eventually succeeded in driving me out of England. I emigrated a few weeks later, and took an oath never to return, except at the head of a conquering army to put those dunderheads to the sword.Despising, for you, the city, thus I turn my back:
There is a world elsewhere.
WIKIPEDIA WHOPPERS
"With over 400 billion cups consumed every year, coffee is the world's most popular beverage."
What balderdash! Most people are Asian, and most Asians drink tea. Like it or not, China has 1.3 billion Chinese people living in it*. If they each drink one cup of tea per day that’s already more than 400 billion cups. And the true figure is more like 8 cups each. They drink it all day long, prodigious great pots of it. There are also 1.1 billion Indians, are there not, hardly any of whom drink coffee.
The man who wrote this is a disgrace, bringing the internet into disrepute with his preposterous claims. Either he knows dick-all about hot beverages, in which case he should keep his filthy yap shut; or he is a deceitful dog. "Coffee is a beverage prepared from the roasted seeds of the coffee plant."
Yeah, well that’s true. I’ll give you that one.
*To an anthropologist, they are known as China-men, or Chinese denizens.
HEADS MUST ROLL
Guess the celeb: He did things that got him into the newspapers for all sorts of reasons. He was drinking heavily, there were times when he was overweight. The media were all over everything he did. You have to hope that the thousands of pounds he’s spent on therapy and rehab to try to battle his demons will have an effect. He’ll probably be remembered as the best player England never had.
If I gave you a thousand guesses you wouldn’t get it: it’s the Prophet Mohammed, from Radio Five’s The Real Mohammed. You click the clink, and the life of Mohammed turns out to be a load of boring rubbish about football- 55 dismal minutes of it. The BBC actually managed to confuse Mohammed, one of the all time great prophets, with Gazza, a footballer with a face like a resentful stoat.
Ah, well. Mistakes happen. I’m sure the Muslims will see the funny side.
(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)
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