Running away from dogs- the FUN way to fitness
Vibrating ab-belt changed my life
I was unamused by the kitten photos
Chat up line- guaranteed results!
My iPod is a glorified herd of cows
You are more likely to die in a car crash than be eaten by a fox
Which Spice Girl would you eat first?
Woman says her best friends are cats
They're making great strides in China
Buddha joke 2
It's not my real ladder- it's my step-ladder Hitchens bellows at students, sobs uncontrollably
Capricorn- beware of falling masonry King of the blogs competition! This training day is as welcome as a cockroach in my salad I'm in love with a wonderful helicopter
Man, that's what I call real coffee
The Campaign for Real Swearing
How would you like to get your hands on my dong?
This "election" in our revolted colonies is essentially a form of treason
Hitchens' double bluff irony impasse
(That last one from Decline and Fall.)
Hunting debate. Vote now!
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What's this Scotch oaf singing about? Is it something thoughtful and edifying, or is it the usual lachrymose crap about mountains and bonnie glens?
“Yer a wee baw bag, ya jaw’s gettin’ ripped.”I must admit, I thought that one was quite good. I’ll be using that one myself the next time I meet a wee baw bag.
"Ah wiz like that pure mad hangin oot the back of ya granny like that yass."Apparently that just means, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts."
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ECONOMICS AND POLITICS
I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point
The time I punched JK Galbraith
Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?
CELEBRITY NEWS
A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim
Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss
50 Cent almost too stupid to speak
Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman
MEANINGLESS HOAXES
Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan
Correspondence with Boris Johnsons
British Airways- I'll show those fucks
Is this a library or a bordello?
TEACHING ENGLISH
Your child is an illiterate cabbage
Like a trouser, yet not a trouser The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk
Non-academic sub-adult clowning
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
No sane man cares about such things
Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid
The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth
This is a real pain in the arse
BRITAIN
I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps
The British public are deeply stupid The UK's most successful ethnic group
The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin
Reflections on the British drunk
Do you want a punch in the mouth?
How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?
Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists
Many of my best friends are bishops
Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole
COLOMBIA
Shut your cake hole, you lunatic
I don't care about human rights that much
That which does not kill you almost kills you
I don't know how much more I can take
VENEZUELA
Dancing on the deck of the Titanic
You toucha my pies, I shoota you head
The pros and cons of domestic violence
Life? Don't talk to me about life
The evil Castro cured my cough
Breast implants out of control
Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe
One of those parties that got out of hand
Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?
Don King has lots of good ideas
BLOGGERS
The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft
Pie attacks on Professor Krugman Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.
If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time
Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test
THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR
If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung
I am opposed to the hacking off of heads
Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective
Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave
NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational
If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat
The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear
SPORTS JOURNALISM
People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea Please hit our fans with clubs
I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting
PALESTINE
The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip
Someone threw a bomb in our garden
It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die
Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers
AUSTRALIA
Is it wrong to execute Australians?
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
LITERATURE
Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table
STUDENT WORK
When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad TRAVEL
Christ were those peasants ugly
TODD MATHERS
MISC
Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French If you like rock music you must be stupid
People now idiots- TV to blame
Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock
BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS KILLER FACTS! Killer Fact! (Quality of life index) Killer Fact! (British National Party) Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup) Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)
Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)
Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)
Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)
Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)
Killer Fact! (Australian women)
Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)
Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)
Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)
Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)
Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)
Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)
Killer Fact! (First English sentence)
Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)
Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)
Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)
Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)
Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)
Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)
Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)
Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)
Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)
Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)
Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)
ON THIS DAY
On this day in 1958, the town of Bournemouth got its first traffic bollard. It was unveiled by comedian Max Wall following a display by the Red Arrows. “The bollards are going up all over Europe,” he told the cheering crowd. “We shall not see them come down again in our lifetimes.”
Although this was Bournemouth’s first bollard, it was by no means its last! Today the town has more than 16,000 bollards, making it the bollard capital of the South West!
If you would like to learn more about bollards please contact Malcolm Wicks MP, at the Department of Trade and Industry. Not that he’ll know- he’s an absolute dumbarse.
Just noticed that those Power Line chaff-heads have been reduced to selling ‘conservative t-shirts’. You’d think their American lawyers' salaries would be enough to keep the wolf from the door, but no, they need more.
The t-shirts themselves aren’t so terribly side-splitting. Even I could write better conservative t-shirts than that, and I voted for the Liberal Democrats. 
Just 20 sterlings each. All proceeds will go to the starving lawyers of America.
Colombia- had an interesting chat the other day with a wrinkled old Brazilian lunatic who earns a living as a “wizard”.
The paramilitaries employed him to cast spells on them, to “close their bodies” and make them immune to bullets. Several of them subsequently got shot and, would you believe it, they bled to death.
There are many things that science still can’t explain.
MORE POLICE TO GET TASERS
John Reid told a Police Federation conference he wants non-firearms officers to have the devices, which stun suspects with a 50,000-volt shock.
Tasered anaesthetised hogs have found little permanent damage. The innocent have nothing to fear. "The police service is facing unprecedented challenges... Tasers are used in incidents where officers are faced with violence..."
Bollocks. The gruesome Scotch brute would issue them with cattle prods and electric eels, if they wanted them, and a large American corporation was lobbying for it. He likes electrocuting people.
I'm moving to Finland. I mean it this time. I want my children to grow up in a land where they won't be electrocuted by Scotchmen.
BLAIR RESIGNS
If you had to sum up the Blair years in 90 seconds, I don't think this could be improved upon:
All this has taken place in the last couple of days: -"Rapper Snoop Dogg has defended the semi-naked models who dance suggestively in hip-hop videos against accusations they are hos."
I read all of these articles from beginning to end, and I was hardly the wiser afterwards than before. Like Dogg, I am myself a keen supporter of semi-naked models, wrestling, dancing suggestively and carbon depletion, and am happy to make common cause with him on these issues. Not so keen on Celine Dion.
-"Snoop Dogg, one of Al Gore's hand-picked crew of rappers against global warming, is sure racking up a series of criminal offenses on his way to performing a July 7th Live Earth concert for carbon depletion."
-"Snoop Dogg hopes to produce Celine Dion."
-"Snoop Dogg considers wrestling career."
Killer Fact! Snoop Dogg is a member of the Campaign For Real Ale.
ELECTION RESULTS
Labour leader, Rhodri Morgan, holds Cardiff West. A 12.2% swing to the Scottish Nationalists in East Kilbride. Who gives a hooting hog? I can’t believe that even the people who live there are interested in this rubbish.
The 3rd of May 2007 will instead be remembered as the day that Beckham went on a £20,000 fashion frenzy with Relatively Posh, buying a £4,500 suit, £1,900 handmade shoes, and a diamond-encrusted emerald.
They were joined at a "swanky restaurant" by her old bandmates from the popular beat ensemble the Spice Girls, who had TV funnyman David Walliams in tow, for some reason or other.
There used to be a guy on Italian TV who would suck up to rich people at fashion shows, La Scala, etc., and say, wow, check out that coat! Look at that necklace! Are those rubies? How much is that worth? Then he would ask, “Why don’t you give it to the poor?”, and they would stand there looking greedy and stupid. It was most amusing.
BERNIE OGUS
“Tomorrow will be the happiest day of your life. Your new toaster is up and running, your new haircut widely praised...”
Not having anything more pressing to do, I’m trying to get some new chain letters going on YouTube. If you forward it to 700 people you will have luck in the New Year. But if you don't forward it...
(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)
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