Running away from dogs- the FUN way to fitness
Vibrating ab-belt changed my life
I was unamused by the kitten photos
Chat up line- guaranteed results!
My iPod is a glorified herd of cows
You are more likely to die in a car crash than be eaten by a fox
Which Spice Girl would you eat first?
Woman says her best friends are cats
They're making great strides in China
Buddha joke 2
It's not my real ladder- it's my step-ladder Hitchens bellows at students, sobs uncontrollably
Capricorn- beware of falling masonry King of the blogs competition! This training day is as welcome as a cockroach in my salad I'm in love with a wonderful helicopter
Man, that's what I call real coffee
The Campaign for Real Swearing
How would you like to get your hands on my dong?
This "election" in our revolted colonies is essentially a form of treason
Hitchens' double bluff irony impasse
(That last one from Decline and Fall.)
Hunting debate. Vote now!
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AN ALARMING TREND
The name Blair originated in the west of Scotland. The number of Blairs in Britain has grown by 50 per cent since the 19th century to 12,473 today.If this trend continues then by the year 2030 there will be more than 70 million of them, if my calculations are correct, sacking and laying waste. The country will be uninhabitable.
These two are all I can stand. What this country needs is fewer and better Blairs.
UPDATE! I have no quarrel with the 2,581 Tasmanian Blairs, or the Blairs of Kentucky, or Tim Blair the larrikin. Although I used to know a Blair from Vancouver, and he was a world-class tit.
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ECONOMICS AND POLITICS
I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point
The time I punched JK Galbraith
Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?
CELEBRITY NEWS
A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim
Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss
50 Cent almost too stupid to speak
Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman
MEANINGLESS HOAXES
Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan
Correspondence with Boris Johnsons
British Airways- I'll show those fucks
Is this a library or a bordello?
TEACHING ENGLISH
Your child is an illiterate cabbage
Like a trouser, yet not a trouser The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk
Non-academic sub-adult clowning
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
No sane man cares about such things
Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid
The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth
This is a real pain in the arse
BRITAIN
I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps
The British public are deeply stupid The UK's most successful ethnic group
The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin
Reflections on the British drunk
Do you want a punch in the mouth?
How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?
Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists
Many of my best friends are bishops
Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole
COLOMBIA
Shut your cake hole, you lunatic
I don't care about human rights that much
That which does not kill you almost kills you
I don't know how much more I can take
VENEZUELA
Dancing on the deck of the Titanic
You toucha my pies, I shoota you head
The pros and cons of domestic violence
Life? Don't talk to me about life
The evil Castro cured my cough
Breast implants out of control
Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe
One of those parties that got out of hand
Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?
Don King has lots of good ideas
BLOGGERS
The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft
Pie attacks on Professor Krugman Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.
If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time
Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test
THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR
If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung
I am opposed to the hacking off of heads
Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective
Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave
NORTH KOREA
Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational
If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat
The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear
SPORTS JOURNALISM
People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea Please hit our fans with clubs
I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting
PALESTINE
The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip
Someone threw a bomb in our garden
It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die
Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers
AUSTRALIA
Is it wrong to execute Australians?
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
LITERATURE
Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table
STUDENT WORK
When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad TRAVEL
Christ were those peasants ugly
TODD MATHERS
MISC
Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French If you like rock music you must be stupid
People now idiots- TV to blame
Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock
BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS KILLER FACTS! Killer Fact! (Quality of life index) Killer Fact! (British National Party) Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup) Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)
Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)
Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)
Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)
Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)
Killer Fact! (Australian women)
Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)
Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)
Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)
Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)
Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)
Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)
Killer Fact! (First English sentence)
Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)
Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)
Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)
Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)
Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)
Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)
Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)
Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)
Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)
Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)
Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)
I LOST MY CHERRY TO GOAT WOMAN, CLAIMS PARRIS
We’ll always have Parris. Or will we? Matthew Parris has just married some guy called Julian:Parris knew that he was homosexual from a young age, but he lost his virginity to a woman. “It could have been a goat as far as I was concerned.”
With Parris off the market I am now Britain’s 4,876,347th most eligible bachelor.
He argued that at the mid-point of one’s life the understanding dawned that there were only a finite number of Saturdays left. "A marriage can be dissolved. A bachelorhood can be regained. A lost Saturday never can."
SITE OF THE DAY
Cats That Look Like Hitler.com
Most of the cats don't look anything like Hitler. It's a load of rubbish. If you said, "Who does this look like?", I would say, "It looks like a cat. And, I believe, is one."
Disappointing.
As for Hitler, he comes in for a lot of criticism -much of it justified, in my opinion- but at least he did something with his life. He didn't just sit around laughing at pictures of cats, like a simpleton.
And you have to give Hitler credit for that.
OK, this cat looks like Hitler.
(Full disclosure: I myself own two cats, and am a Nazi.)
EL PIRULINO
A video showing how to dance the pirulino, a foolish dance which nearly cost me my life. I must tell you about it some time.
Anyway, I hope you find it edifying.
WHAT MADE MILWAUKEE FAMOUS HAS MADE A LOSER OUT OF ME
Killer Fact! Milwaukee is America's drunkest city, according to Forbes magazine. 1. Milwaukee
But Luxembourg has the world's highest alcohol consumption (15.4 litres per capita).
2. Minneapolis-St. Paul
3. Columbus, Ohio
4. Boston
5. Austin, Texas
6. Chicago
7. Cleveland
8. Pittsburgh
-9. Philadelphia
-9. Providence, R.I.-I drink to forget.
Ba-doom, ba-doom, tish!
-Forget what?
-I don't remember.
WHAT WILL THOSE TOSSERS THINK OF NEXT?
Airlines are now banning shoes on all flights to the US, according to the New York Times. All footwear must now be checked in before boarding, with no exceptions. Hats are also forbidden, but ice picks are allowed provided they are made of marzipan. You couldn’t make it up.
As a matter of fact, I just did make it up. But that’s not the point. The point is that once again my enjoyment of the in-flight snack was marred by burning hatred of the airline, the Federal Aviation Administration, and the cast of Dr Doolittle 3 (the in-flight movie). Bin Laden I don’t mind so much. To me he’s just a nutter in a cave on the other side of the world. I don’t feel anything like the rancour towards him that I feel for the interfering old gusset-face who made me wait behind the yellow line until it was my turn to put my shoes in the x-ray machine. In fact, I quite like him.
Unlike the FAA, Bin Laden has a coherent Weltanschaung that a person of average intelligence might understand. The real maniac is the guy who banned nail scissors. By the way, if they confiscate your clippers, a bottle of duty-free Scotch makes a spiffing cosh. I wrote that on one of the sick bags. That will put the wind up them, those cocksuckers.
Continental Airlines, Business Class. "For your comfort and safety we ask that all passengers remain manacled for the entire trip, with sacks over their heads. Thank you for choosing Continental."
JUST HAD AN IDEA
I’m flying to the US this afternoon. I’m going to try to smuggle a jar of Nivea cream on board. Then, half-way through the flight I’m going to stand up and scream, “Look out! There’s a balm on board. Salve yourselves! Aarrrggh!”
Ooh, my sides! The other passengers will probably soil themselves with fear! And technically I won't have done anything illegal, if I really do have a balm.
The airlines have brought this on themselves. If they're not going to let us take books, we'll have to make our own entertainment. I’ll see you on News at Ten.
MISERABLE SOW
A plane made an emergency landing because someone wrote “There’s a bomb on the plane,” on a sick bag.
A few years ago I was flying Caracas-London, and Liam Gallagher was in first class. “Tell the pilot there’s a bum on the plane,” I whispered to the flight attendant. But she didn’t laugh, the miserable sow.
No one ever does.
Frank Chalk, August 15th: 'A' Level results out in a couple of days- I am willing to take bets against the following:
From today's Guardian:
1) Every broadsheet newspaper will have a picture of half a dozen pretty girls from a very nice school, waving their 'A' Level results...
2) The results will be the best ever. A ridiculous number of kids will get A-C grades...
From today's Telegraph: 
Lucy Dingethorpe-Smythe (left) achieved twenty-three A grades, and has won a place to study Fashion with Canadian Studies at the University of North Wales (formerly Bangor Mental Hospital).
Pippa von Humbolt-Parker (second from left; 19 'A's) plans to spend her gap year in the Congo, teaching Pygmies to bungee jump.
A government spokesman denied A-levels were getting easier.
MR CHALK
Frank Chalk writes: I decided to put up Amazon's ad banner at the top of my site after being assured that the content it would advertise would be directly relevant to the people viewing my Blog.
I therefore expected ads for Mensa applications, books about Astrophysics, Philosophy, Politics and Fine Arts. Instead all I've got is stuff with the word 'Chalk' in it.
WHITE WHINE
The British National Party is selling wine on its website. Wine? Sounds more the kind of thing a French neo-nazi would drink. Thats lost my vote, Im afraid. An English fascist should be drinking hogsheads of mead, or Ill simply refuse to take him seriously. A nazi who drinks Chardonnay is not a nazi in whom one can have complete confidence.
This wine, redolent of fruitcake, has a bouquet suggestive of barbed wire and jackboots, that gets right up your nose. It presents a soft first impression, but ultimately leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.
If it was from Kent I might have bought a crate, just to piss people off. But its from Cornwall, and I don't like the Cornish. They killed our Lord God Jesus.
The Cornish- a stunted and goat-like race, thought to have arrived during the Ice Age. They don't pay their taxes.
CODGER'S TALE MOVES MILLIONS
This old git is YouTube’s newest star. His video got 800,000 views and 7,000 comments. He’s on the BBC, Reuters, the Guardian, USA today... A lot of Americans actually wept when they saw it, just as they howled and snivelled during Forrest Gump.
An old man with a video camera... how incredibly moving. It makes me want to bawl. It represents a real triumph of the human spirit. Old man, I salute you!
I sat through it stony faced, though as an Englishman I will burst into tears if I see a rabbit with a thorn in its paw.
There’s a strong undercurrent of hysteria around at the moment that could break out into pogroms and lynchings at any time, and this old man is as much to blame as anyone.
SOURPUSS MALKIN
And now we stare astonished at the sea
This Yeats line came back to me when I saw the lunatic Malkin on Fox News the other week. I don’t mind being hectored about the Middle East by people who have never been within 500 miles of it –that’s what blogs are all about- but now this hellish woman is attacking our TV shows as well, and this cannot be borne. It seems she's in a foaming rage about Armando Iannucci’s new programme on BBC 2, among several hundred other things that she's furious about.
And a miraculous strange bird shrieks at us...
Jesus, woman, calm down. You’re like a bear with a sore head. I don’t think I’ve ever been as enraged about anything as she is about everything. “When did 9/11 become a laughing matter?” she asks, as if anyone were laughing about it, and as if she were able to tell the difference between award-winning comedy and a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
You’ve got to realise the kind of people we’re dealing with here. Malkin doesn’t just take life seriously; she actually takes Hugh Hewitt seriously. Such a person is simply not qualified to have an opinion on what is, and what is not, “a laughing matter”, since a sense of humour calls for a sense of proportion, which in her case she has not got. Almost any attempt to make jokes that rises above the level of a fat man falling over is going to confuse and upset her and her readers, but that’s just something the BBC is going to have to live with. She wasn’t the target audience anyway.
Given that they neither pay the licence fee, watch the shows, nor live in the stinking country, it doesn’t matter how many cretins join your email campaign. The BBC should tell them all to knob off. 
Sourpuss Malkin recently. The BBC didn’t upset her- she started upset.
BOYCOTT ISRAELI MUD
A bunch of people are boycotting Israeli products until they release Mandela, or whatever it is they’re whinging about now. I myself am doing my bit by boycotting Dead Sea mud, even if it does eliminate toxins and restore my skin’s pH balance.
They sell it in the Whitely’s Centre in Bayswater. £20 or £30 for a jar of black slime! People in W2 rub it into their stupid faces.
I can see the point of Israeli oranges, though. Eating fruit- I can relate to that. 
Before After
Beauty products from the Dead Sea.
NEW ZEALAND IS A CESSPIT, IT TURNS OUT
"NEW ZEALAND is a little, South Pacific version of 1950s England. People are friendly, trustworthy and hard-working. You can leave your front door unlocked when you go out. Women can safely walk alone at night and, if you drop your wallet, someone will deliver it to your door the next day."
That’s what I thought, too, but it turns out the country is an infernal cesspit, at least the 0.03% of it that is inhabited.
Killer Fact! New Zealand has 67% more murders per capita than the UK.
BLAIR- I WOULDN'T PUT ANYTHING PAST THAT A-HOLE
Did Blair time terror alerts to coincide with the opening of the County Pig Fair in Shropshire? That’s the question no one dares ask. Personally, I wouldn’t put anything past that a-hole.
What have we learnt from this week's events? That if you stamp out terrorism at Heathrow it sprouts up again in Henley-on-Thames: TRADER TRAPPED IN SHOP BY SNIPERS. Hooligans armed with air rifles held a company director under siege after firing a hail of shots at his Henley showroom...
All the news is bad, but I keep myself sane by moving my foot in clockwise circles, while drawing the number 6 in the air with my finger. Your foot changes direction! Try it yourself.
“It’s absolute idiocy,” said a local woman.
If you would like to learn more about moving your foot clockwise while drawing the number six, click here for details.
WHY BOTHER?
Blogs foil terror plot! Charles Johnson arrests 24 in dawn raids! “Mainstream police” outclassed by internet busybodies!
I was going to write a side-splitting spoof news report, but now I find I can’t be bothered. Life is too short, the effort/benefit ratio too high. And would it have been worth it, after all?
Have to fly next week. Sodding bollocks. They’re really going to ratchet up the misery this time. I’m going to turn up at the airport with just my underpants and a book. They’ll probably confiscate the book, the cretins, but they won’t get my pants without a struggle.
But what book to take? And what pants to wear?
PULL THE OTHER ONE, IT’S GOT BELLS ON!
Reuters released more photos of Beirut today, trying to make it look as if the Israelis are bombing the city.
Not going to fall for that one again.
BRITISH AIRWAYS ARE A LEGITIMATE TARGET
Who on earth would want to blow up a British Airways flight? I would, as it happens, and so would millions of other passenger-victims. Obviously one should try to minimise civilian casualties, but BA themselves are a legitimate target, in my opinion, as are Easy Jet (i.e. Difficult Jet) and Ryanair (i.e. Bastardair).
British Airways management are cranks and sadists, who have caused more misery than all the terrorists combined, at least to me.
Tim Blair says he blames the presbyterians for today’s events. I take the point that when a train blows up, or a guy gets his head mown off with a sword, it’s usually safe to say that the presbyterians were involved. But an attack on BA could have been anyone.
Could have been presbyterian mad dog Laden; could have been a frequent flyer who decided he’d had enough. Whoever it was, we should make common cause with him on lesser evil grounds, just as our grandfathers sided with Hitler against British Rail.
The last time I was in one of BA’s trademark 3-hour delays I didn’t happen to have any explosives on me, so I stood in the queue and read out one of their pamphlets in a sarcastic voice.
“British Airways,” it said. “Your passport to freedom...”
Little victories. But they always have the last laugh.
KRUGMAN BANGING COCKTAIL WAITRESSES, TWO AT A TIME
I sit in a conference centre in Bogota's business district, thinking of Kate Bush.And suddenly I find myself
Only instead of a man I’ve never known before, it’s Krugman. And instead of telling me about the sea, he is droning on about interest rates and the property bubble.
Listening to a man I’ve never known before
Telling me about the sea...
What he’s doing here, fuck knows. But he seems to be enjoying himself, in his own way. I thought that, since he was in Colombia, it would be a great opportunity for him to meet me. I sent a bottle of champagne to his hotel room, with an anonymous note. “Welcome to Bogota,” it says. “Watch out for snipers.”
I just want him to feel at home.
Hotel Tequendama refused to comment on the rumour –which I started myself- that he was banging cocktail waitresses, two at a time, like Freddy Corleone, bringing shame to the economics faculty of the University of Princeton.
"Who inspires you as an economist?"
"I would have to say Barbra Streisand..."
Krugman opens his heart to Paola Ochoa, economics editor of Semana magazine.
ANT CITY
People often say to me, "Harry, how is it that we can put men on the moon, but we still can’t fry pedestrians, ant-style, under giant magnifying glasses?"
No doubt you have often asked yourself the same question. Well now we can. Only on a computer for now, but it's a start.
Via Hemlock
OPEN LETTER TO MEL GIBSON
Dear Mr Gribson,
This is a final warning to pay for your electricity use. You owe £48.32.
The original figure was £50.32, but I gave you a discount because it’s a sunny day, and I think you’re right about the Jews. Otherwise I would have to punch you on the ear.
If, in seven days, you do not respond to this final demand, we shall refer the matter to a third party for recovery.
Contact:-
Terrence Shepard
Customer Services
Powergen
PO Box 7750
Nottingham
NG1 6WR
P.S. There is no God.
POWERGEN- the finest electricity in the world.
"I had a most delightful pizza on the quayside in Palermo in 1976. My dining companion went on to hold minor office in the Sicilian government, to the extent that they have such a thing. She was quite sexually adventurous. Dead now, of course. All dead."
Comment by david c in the comments.
A RIGHT TIT
Hitchens, though in many ways a tit, appears to have been right on this occasion.
UPDATE! I’ve never told anyone this before, but I actually quite like Hitchens. (Keep it under your hat.) Though in some ways a tit, he is also the Real Thing. He isn’t just some overpaid mediocrity of the Andrew Sullivan type.
If you compare the most prominent left-wing columnist, whom I suppose is Krugman, with Kos; or if you compare Mark Steyn with Glenn Reynolds; or Robert Fisk with Juan Cole; or Hitchens with Michael Totten: in every case the newspaper guy is the genuine article, while the blogging equivalent is a tiresome snivelling non-entity.
Takes one to know one.
(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)
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