LEAVE ME ALONE YOU TIME-WASTING TOSSER, STORMS BUSHELL

TO: GARRY BUSHELL
Dear Garry,
Would you be interested in presenting a reality crime show called You Thieving Cunt? Some friends and I have just set up a production company, and this is our first venture. You are our first choice for presenter.

It’s basically a candid camera programme. We’re going to chain a bike in an area notorious for bicycle thieves, and wait. Sooner or later a thieving cunt will come along and steal it. But what the cunt doesn’t know is that the bicycle is booby-trapped! The front wheel will fall off, landing him on his arse! Or the seat will conceal a big spike, tearing his trousers or impaling him up the jacksie!

Another example: a couple of Jap tourists walk around the Tube with one of the pockets on their backpacks unzipped. A cunt puts his hand in to steal something, little suspecting that all it contains is a mousetrap! Ha ha ha! Imagine how stupid he’ll look, howling in pain with a mousetrap on his hand!

Or you leave a handbag on a bus. When someone tries to pick it up, a siren goes off saying “Whoop, whoop! Thieving cunt! Thieving cunt!” Then the other “passengers” all shout “Get the cunt!” and attack him with custard pies.

After each hit we cut to you, or perhaps Jeremy Clarkson, who says, "Bang to rights, my son!" or "Serves him right, the toe rag."

We aim to a. raise awareness, and b. entertain. At the end of the show you do a piece to camera, “Theft isn’t cool, kids. It’s against the law of England. Many people say that I'm a cunt, but if you steal things, the cunt is you.” (I don’t think you’re a cunt, by the way. But what people like about you is that you don’t take yourself too seriously,)

Let us know if you are interested. Still a bit of work to do, but we hope to start filming in spring. I reckon we’ve got a hit on our hands.

Best regards,

Dennis Breen
Bayswater Films


BUSHELL REPLIES:
Dear Dennis,
It sounds like the motherfucker of all reality shows... Unfortunately a bit too similar to Guy Ritchie's Swag, but good luck getting it away.
Maybe you'll get the time slot after Songs of Praise.

Best wishes

GB


TO: GARRY BUSHELL
Dear Garry,
I’d actually never heard of Swag, but it doesn’t surprise me. That Guy Ritchie is always stealing my stuff, the dog.

Are you sure you aren’t interested? As I say, you were our first choice. Perhaps you will change your mind when I reveal that your great rival Boris Johnsons is considering the role.

Is it true that you were at Eton together?


BUSHELL REPLIES:
Boris? Tory slime. And you don't sound much better old boy. How about this for a show idea: Get AIDS & Die. A time-wasting tosser is injected with a lethal viral cocktail and slowly rots. To end with a living death-bed autopsy televised on C4.


TO: GARRY BUSHELL
I already have AIDS, and I found your remarks in poor taste.

It makes me sorry to hear you talking like that, Garry. Success has gone to your head, I fear. The old Bushell would never have spoken to his fans like that. It is people like me, the ordinary man in the street, who have made the Bushell story possible.

But I’m sorry if I “wasted your time”. I’m sorry if you have better things to do than talk to your fans.

When I was first diagnosed with AIDS, Garry’s Goofs was one of the things that kept me going. What we like about you, down there on the Clapham omnibus, is that you are one of us, not stuck up like Boris Johnsons. And how do you repay us? With abuse, throwing tantrums like you’re Jennifer Lopez. It’s a sad day for Britain.

Never forget the fans, Garry. Without us you’d be nowhere. Beckham says the same.


BUSHELL REPLIES:
Excellent. I'll see you down at Lourdes; we can exchange case histories and photos of our body sores. Anyway, thanks for the laughs. Who are you? Step forward Hugo/Victor/Chris



Note for American readers: Sir Garry Bushell is one of Britain’s most respected writers and thinkers. His Garry’s Goofs column in the Sunday People has been tipped to win this year’s Somerset Maugham prize.
- posted by Harry Hutton @ 4:31 pm